


The Killing Words

by Morgana_avalon



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 08:43:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 74,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18362558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana_avalon/pseuds/Morgana_avalon
Summary: Picks up right after the post credit scene of Civil War!





	The Killing Words

The Killing Words

 

I endured pain in the past. They taught me to endure and control it, even use it to my advantage in battle. But the kind of pain I am in now is new. It’s overwhelming and all-consuming. Stark ripped off my arm and it feels… I can’t describe the pain; it’s beyond words. My arm is made of metal and one could argue that it can’t possibly cause me pain, but it does. Merely turning my head to check on Steve causes a crippling pain to travel up my shoulder and neck. 

Steve buried his shield in Stark’s generator, effectively blocking the suit’s power supply. It’s over – for now. I can’t concentrate on the scene for long as I feel nauseous. It takes all of my self-discipline to not spill my guts on the floor. I try to roll onto my side so I can use my arm to push me up, but the slightest movement worsens the agony I’m in. I can’t give up though; I never did before and I won’t start now. So in the end, I manage to move toward Steve, crawling over to his side. He quickly shifts his attention away from Stark and back to me. I cringe at seeing the concern on his face. I don’t understand why he still cares about me – not after all the crimes I committed. He should hate me. I killed dozens of people; I killed Stark’s parents too. But none of that seems to matter as he carefully gathers me close to him. 

“I’m getting you out, Buck,” Steve whispers and I believe him. For some reason he’s determined to get me into safety. I wish I could help, but I never felt so weak before. He pulls me to my feet and I gasp in pain. Hopefully he didn’t notice. I don’t want to appear weak in front of them. Stark flashes me a hate-filled look, but I remain steady and answer it. I’ll not back down. 

Steve manages to get me back onto my feet and I wrap my arm around him for support. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve been damaged in fights before and I always managed to lock the pain away. What’s different this time? It’s just my arm… And it’s not even my own. Losing it can’t cause such agony!

“That shield doesn’t belong to you,” Starks spits venomously the moment Steve moves toward the exit. 

Steve halts, and I cringe when he drops the shield. That shield is a part of him, but he’s going to leave it behind. I know he is. His sense of honor demands it. 

“We’re out of here,” Steve whispers and grabs me tighter. “I’ll get you into safety.”

That’s his mission right now. Getting me into safety. It’s a good thing he has such a tight hold on me, because I stumble.

“Careful now. Bucky, you need to hang in there.”

I know that. However I lack the energy to assure him; it takes most of my concentration to put one foot on front of the other. The pain is excruciating, and although I thought it impossible, it’s still growing. It feels like the left side of my chest is on fire and my left arm hurts, which is absurd. How can a limb hurt when it’s no longer there?

“You do not look well.”

That voice is new and instinct makes me look up to check on the newcomer. It’s T’challa. Great. I’m no match for the guy. He can take me down whenever he wants. I manage to shake my head in an attempt to warn Steve, but the movement causes vertigo and I sway. 

“If you’re here to cause trouble,” Steve starts, and he moves me toward the wall, with every intention of putting me up against it so he can take care of this threat. I doubt I can stay on my feet though without his support. 

“No, I am not,” T’challa replies in a calm voice that tells me he’s no immediate threat. I can’t help but wonder why he no longer wants me dead. 

“I am here to help.” 

I hope it’s the truth for I’m growing increasingly light-headed. Darkness creeps up on me and it’s about to take me down. I know the feeling; I’m about to pass out. A moment later, my worst fear turns real and I collapse.

oooooo

 

Bucky suddenly becomes a dead weight against me and I secure my hold on him. I quickly gather him in my arms and pull him close. I’ll carry him instead. He carried me in the past too. Losing his arm deeply affects him. I stare at his shoulder where the wiring sticks out and my anger rises again. Tony, whom I considered a friend, did this to him! I understand Tony’s anger, but this is uncalled for. “We need to get him someplace safe.”

“We will take him to Wakanda. I will supply him with all the care he needs.” 

T’challa picks up Bucky’s metal arm and gazes questioningly at me. Taking it with us is the smart thing to do, even though I’m not sure Bucky will want it reattached. “Bring it,” I tell him. We need to make sure Bucky at least has a choice.

“Zemo played all of you,” T’challa comments as we make our way out of the compound.

“I know he did,” I snarl, “And Tony fell for it.”

T’challa nods. “Hatred and revenge consume him. I understand his wrath, but he aims it at the wrong person.” 

That comment causes me to study him. T’challa seems rather supportive, which surprises me. “I recall that you wanted to kill Bucky not so long ago.”

“I was misinformed,” T’challa replies as he clears some debris out of our way. “I was under the impression that your friend killed my father. Zemo however did.”

“What did you do to him?”

“Do not worry, Captain America. I already informed the United Nations where to find Zemo. The living will deal with him. I refuse to let hatred and revenge to consume me any longer. My father would want me to rise above that. He always was a man of peace.” 

Bucky moves against me, but he’s still out. His condition worries me more than I want T’challa to know. I know what Bucky’s been through these last few decades. He’s resilient and learned to endure pain, so what caused this black out? But then again, he suffered a major injury. I can’t imagine what losing his arm did to him. 

“This way,” T’challa says and I bet he’s trying to get me to focus again. It’s true though, whenever Bucky’s involved, I lose focus. 

I follow him over to the airplane. Buck’s a real dead weight in my arms and I struggle to get him inside. T’challa helps and we move Bucky onto a chair. I strap him in and make sure he’s safe. “He’s a mess.”

“Mentally and physically,” T’challa says, actually voicing what I was thinking a moment ago. “We will supply him with medical attention when we arrive at Wakanda. Just make sure he does not deteriorate until we are at home.” 

I take my seat, but watch Buck carefully. “You have to hang in there,” I tell him. “You’ve been through so much. You can’t give up now. I’ll be at your side to the end.” And I mean it; just like I meant it in the past.

ooooooo

Wherever I am, I’m no longer in pain. I feel numb and a familiar feeling washes over me. I felt like this when they’d put me back into cryo, but wait… I can’t be in cryo, because I’m conscious. What the hell is this?

“Hey, Buck, open your eyes for me. Let me know you’re fine.”

That’s Steve’s voice and hearing it causes me to open my eyes. My mind must be playing tricks on me. How can he possibly be here? But shifting my gaze, I realize he is indeed sitting next to the bed. A bed? I quickly take in my surroundings. Am I in a hospital? 

“We’re in Wakanda. T’challa offered to help.” 

Steve moves closer and I stare at him. I feel strange; like I’m floating on air. I can’t recall feeling like this before.

“You’re on pain medication,” Steve explains. “Tony… ripped off your arm,” he continues after a moment’s thought. “I’m sorry about what happened back there. Bucky, I…”

He grows quiet. I know what he’s trying to say though. I know him. “It’s not your fault.” Damn, even my voice sounds rough. 

“That might be, but still… I should have stopped him.”

I know a guilt trip when I see one. I move my arm toward him and Steve acts at once.

“You shouldn’t move at all,” he berates me. “Lie still.”

I wiggle my fingers at him and he gets the hint. He takes my hand in his and wraps his fingers around mine. The sensation is almost too much. It feels so fucking good to know he’s here and that he cares. That’s the most amazing part of it; he still cares about me. 

“I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but it can’t be good.”

He knows me so well. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I can’t help it.”

The idiot. I manage a smile, a rather weak one, I’m afraid. Then the loss of pain registers with me again. “Why’s the pain gone?”

“Pain medication, remember?” Steve gives me an amused look. “They said it could interfere with your thinking.”

I want to give him the evil eye, but I can’t pull it off. I feel so damn tired! “I feel…”

“Doped to the gills,” Steve says knowingly. “And that’s fine. You’re allowed to.”

Am I? After the terrible things I did? But I don’t bring it up. I’m too tired for that, and like Steve said, not thinking straight. “What’s going to happen now?”

“We stay here. You heal up and then we decide where to go next.”

I blink. That’s Steve; it’s that simple to him. “I’m a fugitive. A wanted criminal. They’ll come for me and tear this place down.” He needs a reality check and I can still deliver one. “Do you really want Wakanda to suffer because of me?”

“They can try to tear this place down,” T’challa says as he walks over to my bed. 

Fuck, I didn’t even know he was present! Looks like those drugs really mess me up. “I mean it,” I repeat. “They’ll wreck your place.”

“As I said before, they can try. I am not without defenses.”

A sigh escapes me. “You’re just a stubborn as Steve.”

“I will take that as a compliment.” T’challa actually smiles. “You seem better.”

“Better? Drugged to max, you mean.” I close my eyes and gather my strength. They’re going to team up on me, I know they will. “I can’t stay here.”

“Au contraire,” T’challa says calmly. “You will stay here. You are in dire need of medical attention and I would be a bad host indeed if I did not supply it.”

“Listen to him,” Steve says, butting in as I knew he would. 

I don’t have any fight left in me though – not right now. “This isn’t the end of it.” I’m falling asleep though and my threat lacks conviction. 

“Of course.”

Steve sounds awfully sure of himself. His voice drifts away while I lose the battle to stay awake. The last thing I register before falling asleep are his fingers tightly wrapped around mine.

oooooo

 

I can’t seem to let go. Holding his hand grounds me and I need that. I need to reassure myself that he’s here. That he’s safe. After everything we went through, we’re back together, Bucky and I. 

“He will grow stronger. It just takes time.”

T’challa is right. “Losing his arm must have been devastating.” Realizing something, I add, “Losing it for a second time that is. I saw one of Hydra’s reports on him. When they found him in that canyon, his arm was shattered and they removed it.”

“There is a lot I do not know,” T’challa says, his wisdom showing. “Maybe you will tell me in time?”

“I will.” I want to tell him. I want him to understand why Bucky is the way he is. “He’s a victim too.” I caress his fingers in an attempt to let him know I’m here. 

“I understand,” T’challa says calmly. “And we will take care of his needs, but you shouldn’t neglect yours either.”

“Your concern does you credit.” The guy is growing on me. “But I can’t leave now. He needs to know I’m here.”

“At least, eat and get some sleep,” T’challa advises as a nurse places a tray with food onto the nightstand. “You cannot support him if you are exhausted yourself.”

“I don’t tire that easily, but thank you.” I will eat later. “For now, Bucky comes first.” I read understanding in T’challa’s eyes. He won’t fight me over this.

“Please remember that you are not alone. I pledged to support him.”

And for that I am immensely grateful, knowing Bucky needs all the support he can get.

oooooo

 

A scream wakes me up. Bucky’s sitting upright, swaying and awkwardly rocking himself, his arm wrapped around his waist in an effort to comfort himself. I immediate exchange my chair for the side of the bed and carefully place my hands on either side of his face. There’s no way of knowing how he’ll react to touch, but I have to try. “Bucky, you’re safe. You’re having a nightmare and you need to wake up now.” I caress his face, rubbing his facial skin in an attempt to draw him from his nightmare. “It’s me, Bucky, I’m here and you’re not alone. You have to wake up now.” Instead of screaming, he’s now mumbling in Russian. “Bucky, please. Don’t do this to me.” 

In some deep recesses of his mind my voice must have registered, because he suddenly calms down and slumps against me. I quickly wrap him up in an embrace, hoping to make him feel safe. “It’s over, Bucky. That’s all in the past. You’re safe with me.” He’s shivering and I pull up the blanket, wrapping it around his shoulders. He feels cold, but at the same time he’s sweating profusely. “That was one hell of a nightmare,” I say, offering him an opening to talk about it. I hope he’ll take it.

Bucky doesn’t return the embrace, but he presses close and I react by pulling him even closer. “Do you want to talk about it?” I rub his back with long, and hopefully soothing, strokes and tuck his head beneath my chin. Holding him like this, even though he’s in such distress, feels like coming home. I know why it feels that way, but this isn’t the moment to dwell on it. 

“No, I don’t,” Bucky whispers in a hoarse voice. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” I comfort him and rock him in my arms. “It’s to be expected, you know, that you have nightmares. You went through hell.” Bucky freezes against me, but I ignore it. He’s not going to push me away. “You had no choice. They brainwashed you. I read the reports.” Suddenly he pulls away and stares at me in horror.

“You read them?” 

Bucky seems shaken to the core and I reckon he is. “Natasha called in on a favor from Kiev. I read most of Hydra’s reports on you. That’s why I know you’re a victim and not a criminal.” I hate doing this to him, but I need him to start talking. In the past, that was never a problem. Bucky loved to talk, but this isn’t the person he was back then. This is a changed man. “I can help. I won’t let you down.”

“You shouldn’t bother with me.” 

Hearing that tears at my heart. “Bucky, you’re my best friend.” He wants to object, but I don’t give him that chance. “You ARE, accept it. No matter what happened, you’re…” What’s Bucky to me? I can’t be honest – not yet - anyways. “You’re my best friend, no, you’re more than that. We’re two halves that make up a whole. You’ve always been there for me. Always! You mean so much to me!” Bucky’s expression tells me he isn’t sure how to react to my little speech. A part of him still wants to object, but another part is desperate to hear these reassurances, I can tell. “Don’t you know that I’d die for you?” 

“And I for you,” he whispers, looking away so he doesn’t have to face me.

I allow it. We have time. “Now that we got that out of the way, we should get some food and water into you. It’s been hours since you last ate and drank.” Bucky sighs in relief. I understand his fears, I really do, but they aren’t necessary – not with me. “How about some fruit salad?” That comment manages to make him smile.

“Fruit?” Bucky raises his gaze again.

“Yeah, healthy stuff, I know.” I smile at him and shift him in my arms. I rest my back against the headboard of the bed, and once I have him comfortably settled against me, I reach for the bowl filled with fruit. “Do you want me to feed you?” Oh, I know how he’s going to react to that.

“Not in a million years!” 

Ah, his fighting spirit is making a return. I place the bowl in his lap and watch him eat most of the fruit. “We need to talk about Hydra sooner or later.”

“I opt for later.”

He still sounds upset and I don’t blame him. It helps that I know what I’m up against. Reading those files helped me understand how badly they hurt him. I’d kill the Red Skull all over again if it would help. I slept peacefully for seventy years. To Bucky those years were a never ending nightmare. “How are you doing? Honestly?” I doubt he’ll give me an honest answer though. He’ll want to spare my feelings.

“I don’t know,” he whispers. “One moment I feel numb and the next…” Bucky stops eating, and refuses to make eye contact. “You should put me into cryo again. That would solve our problems.”

“No,” I state decisively. “You’re not running away from this and you’re not hiding either. We’ll face this together and we’ll deal with it.” I only found him just now; I refuse to lose him again!

“Steve,” he sighs and then looks up. “You mean well, but you can’t help me. All this stuff Hydra put inside my head is still there. What if someone gets his hands on that book and starts playing games again? I’m dangerous!”

“You mean this book?” 

I’m not sure about T’challa’s timing, but I have to work with it. Bucky stares at the book in the Black Panther’s hand. I can literally feel him tense up against me. He’s in fighting mode, which is not a good thing. “Hey, he’s a friend, remember?”

“Maybe you would like to destroy it? Burn it? Tear it apart?” 

T’challa offers Bucky the book, but Bucky merely stares at it. He seems unable to react and so I do it for him. “Put it on the nightstand. This is not the right time for this.” Bucky needs to grow stronger first. Only then can he confront his demons. T’challa complies and then cocks his head, studying Bucky. 

“Captain Rogers is correct. I am your friend, even though you might find that hard to believe, Sergeant Barnes.”

Bucky’s tremors intensify at being called that. He must feel damn confused. “We’ll deal with the book later, yes? Now that it’s here, in our possession, it no longer poses a threat.”

Bucky however shakes his head. “As long as those killing words exist, I’m dangerous.”

Maybe I was wrong and more direct measures are necessary. I take hold of the book, put it on my lap and leaf through it. Bucky’s beginning to rock again and I go along. “T’challa, we should burn this. Now.”

“As you wish.”

“Steve…” 

Bucky’s plea cuts right through my heart. “We’re doing this now.” He doesn’t protest, nor does he encourage me. I wonder if he knows what he wants to do with that book, but right now I am making that decision for him. T’challa collects a basin, puts it on the nightstand, and then collects the book. I watch Bucky carefully as T’challa puts his lighter to the book. The fire’s hesitant at first, but then it becomes a raging monster which completely consumes the book. In the end, only ashes remain. “Better now?” Bucky shoots me a helpless look to which I react by caressing his face. “It’s gone.” But his expression tells of his disbelief. I remind myself to give him time. To give us time. “Thank you, T’challa.” 

“You are welcome. I am glad I could be of assistance.” 

I can tell he’s honest. He wants to help. I nod at him in understanding and T’challa takes that as his cue to leave the room. Now I must deal with the fall out. “Come on, close your eyes, and try to get more sleep. You’re knackered, you must be. Just close your eyes and get some rest. Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” My strategy seems to work, as Bucky’s head comes to rest against my shoulder and then his breathing evens out. He must be exhausted. “That’s it. Just close those eyes and get some sleep. You need to rest.” I keep up that soothing manner until I’m convinced he’s back under. I don’t lower him onto the bed though. No, I stay where I am, holding him in my arms. I can’t help myself and press a kiss onto his hair, which is still a mess. But I don’t mind. This is Bucky and I love him. I always have. 

ooooo

 

I keep still as I don’t want to draw any attention. Neither do I want Steve to wake up. He’s going on how exhausted I am, but he’s tired too. Otherwise he wouldn’t be snoring next to me. I smile; at least one thing never changed; he still snores. We argued about it in the past, when we were young – and innocent, compared to how we feel now. He never believed me, but he does snore. I don’t mind though; I always found the sound reassuring. It was palpable evidence of his presence. 

This time the nightmares stayed away, which surprises me. Ever since I escaped Hydra’s clutches, those dreams tormented me. It was especially bad after I dragged Steve from the water. I sought and eventually found refuge in the city, but it turned out to be too much. The noise, the smell, and the horrendous amount of people was enough to make me snap back to the past. I had to disappear and fled to Bucharest. I remained low profile so I wouldn’t draw any attention and it worked, until Zemo managed to draw me out. I close my eyes and try to banish the images that assault me. I fought Zemo when he sent my mind back into darkness. I became a robot again, obeying his every command. I watched myself kill people and couldn’t stop it. I had no control over my actions. I should have fought harder, maybe then…

“Bucky?”

Damn, I woke him after all. “Go back to sleep,” I murmur, while pretending to go back to sleep myself, but I never managed to fool him in the past. Why would I be able to do so now?

“I can’t. I’m awake now.”

That’s typical! I missed his sense of humor though. I never expected to hear it again. 

“Bucky?”

I know that tone. It means I’d better face up. I move slightly, surprised to find myself in his embrace still. For how long now has he been babysitting me? “What?” I’m not in the best mood. He shifts until we’re face to face and I have no choice but to look him in the eye. I expect him to bring up Hydra again, and the murders, and I’m not ready to deal with that. 

“I’ve missed you.”

I’m not ready to deal with that either. “You should stop this. I’m not that man any longer. He died long ago.”

“No, I don’t believe that.”

Steve’s tender tone gets to me and treacherous tears build in my eyes. Damn, why can’t he let me go?

“I’m happy to have you back.”

“You fucking watched me slaughter Tony Stark’s parents and you can still say that?” I disgust myself. It’s not mere hatred that I feel for myself; it’s loathing. I let Hydra do that to me! I’m getting riled up, but I need to get my point across. “I’m a cold blooded murderer!”

“Nonsense, you’re Bucky.”

I despair at his faith in me. How can I make him understand that I’m not… Who the fuck am I these days? Not the Winter Soldier, but I’m not Bucky either, am I? 

“See?” 

The way Steve looks at me tells me he expected me to react in that way. His trust in me, his loyalty, is soul shattering. How can he still have such faith in me? “Fuck you.”

“Language!” he says and then grins. “Don’t tempt me.”

I blink, having a hard time believing what he just said.

“Sorry, me being bad,” Steve apologies, still with that impish grin in place. “But I had to snap you out of it.” 

I remain quiet. I don’t trust my voice or the words that might leave my lips. I kept this buried my entire life. When we were still young, I never brought up my feelings for him. I locked them away. How do you tell your best friend that you’re in love with him? You don’t. You arrange dates with girls and carry on the best way you can. It crushed me to leave him behind when I went to war. Not being able to tell him how much I loved him killed me on the inside. Yes, I loved him, love him still. It never mattered to me that he was too short, too scrawny or too nerdy, because his compassion made up for everything other people thought of as flaws. I just wished I had the courage to tell him how much I cared back then. Not that I expected him to return those feelings. Steve never hinted he liked men. So I kept silent, and to this day, I still do. I refuse to destroy our friendship by admitting my feelings to him. I can’t risk it. He’s my lifeline. 

“Steve Rogers to Bucky Barnes… Can you hear me?”

I try hard not to smile, but how can I resist? “I hear you.”

“You had the weirdest look in your eyes just now.” 

His fingers move through my hair and the touch undoes me. How am I supposed to forget I love him when he does things like that? I need to put some distance between us, but how do I do that? “You’re imagining things.”

“I don’t think so, but anyways, you should get moving.”

“And why is that?” I’m comfortable the way I am. Oh, didn’t I want to put some distance between us? I don’t want to, but I must.

“Because, although I love holding you, you need to get some exercise. You need to get your strength back and it’s not going to happen with you playing blanket.”

“My strength back?” What the hell are Steve’s plans for me? “I want you to put me into cryo remember?”

“That’s not going to happen, Bucky.”

He sounds so damn confident that I glare at him. I want to throw a tantrum, just a little one, but then Steve sits up and pulls me along with him. Suddenly the room is spinning and I grab on to him. I didn’t expect that. 

“It’s going to be all right,” Steve reassures me. “We’ll do this together.”

And I believe him.

oooooooooo

“Is it getting any better?” The confused expression on Bucky’s face worries me. He’s been sitting up for a few minutes now, but he continues to sway. 

“Not really,” Bucky whispers, looking rather lost. “The room keeps spinning and I can’t seem to hold my balance. This never happened before.”

I remain seated on the bed next to him and try to ground him by gently squeezing his hand. “We got time,” I reassure him. “Maybe it’s due to the pain medication. Maybe you’ve been lying down for too long.” Bucky gives me a tired smile. Although he slept off and on for fourteen hours, he still looks drained. 

“You have no idea what I’ve been through and I always managed to function.”

Function. That’s the problem isn’t it? At least part of it. “Well. We’re going for something better than that. No more functioning or surviving. We’re going to try living, yes?” The look he gives me tells me I’m aiming for the impossible – at the moment. Bucky suddenly topples forward and I quickly catch him. “Tell me what’s happening.” Bucky rests his head against my shoulder and a shuddering breath leaves his lips.

“I can’t sit up straight. It’s like I’m being pulled to the side.” 

He sounds vexed and I don’t blame him. This frustrates him. “I wonder why that is. You never experienced that before?” He shakes his head and the movement causes friction. He’s going to make this hard on me.

“The doctor anticipated this.”

I wish T’challa would stop sneaking into the room. But then again, he’s cat-like, that one, and I must admit that my senses are fully trained on Bucky. I always forget what’s going on around me when Bucky is near – especially this near. I force myself to concentrate though since T’challa has information I need. “Do you know what’s happening?”

T’challa nods. “It is rather logical. Your friend misses an arm – a metal arm to be exact; which means that limb was rather heavy. He got used to the weight and his body adapted to it. Now that it is gone, it upsets his sense of balance. The medical staff expects you to adjust to it, but it will take time. Do not expect to grow accustomed to it overnight.”

“It makes sense, doesn’t it?” I cock my head and manage to capture Bucky’s gaze. He doesn’t look surprised, he looks worried though. 

“You should put me on ice,” Bucky says eventually. “I’m causing nothing but trouble.”

“I told you no before and I’m telling you so again. We’re doing this together. No more hiding.” I understand why he wants to go back into cryo. According to him, it’s the safest option for everyone involved, but it’s not going to happen. “It’s like T’challa said, your body needs to adapt. Give it time.” Bucky shrugs, but I can tell he almost instantly regrets it. “It still hurts, doesn’t it?”

“It’s strange. It’s like my arm is on fire and my chest…” Realizing what he’s revealing, Bucky grows quiet again. 

“Phantom pain,” I mutter. “It’s not unheard of and it can be happening to you.”

“But…” Bucky objects and finally raises his face. “That arm’s made of metal. It’s not a real limb.”

“That arm was a part of you for decades,” I gently remind him. “And it was severed rather violently. Maybe your body finally reached its limits?” He won’t like hearing it, but it’s the truth. “You have been through hell and maybe you’re tired of fighting your way back?” Bucky hasn’t given up – not yet, not completely – but he doesn’t have many reserves left. It’s up to me to show him why he needs to fight. 

“I’m tired, yes,” Bucky admits in a weary voice. “It always ends in a fight – my life that is, and I’m so damn tired of fighting.” 

He tries to pull away, but I don’t let him. I keep him in place and even tighten my hold on him. “I can’t imagine what it has been like for you and I understand that you need rest. But I can’t accept that you’re giving up. You need to do this, Bucky.”

“Why?” 

That little word and the lost look he’s giving me make me even more determined to see him through. “Because you deserve better. No, hear me out, I mean it. You always had my back, as a kid, and as an adult. You never questioned my actions. You supported me every step of the way. Even when I rescued that little kitten after school and the bullies were kicking my ass. You charged them and you didn’t ask questions. I’m asking you to do the same thing again. Don’t ask why. Just do it. Just fight.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

He doesn’t sound that desperate anymore. I’m getting through to him and I can’t give up now. “No, I don’t. I never lived your life. I never was brainwashed and abused. But I know you’re worth fighting for and I’ll never give up. To the end, remember?” Bucky nods and I sense his surrender. It’s a temporary victory though. A part of him has given up on himself, but another part is still fighting and that’s the part I’m counting on to pull him through. 

oooooo

Steve pulls me to my feet and I feel embarrassed having to admithat I need his support. My balance is completely off. If it wasn’t for Steve I would be diving face first into the floor. It’s like trying to stay on your feet during an earthquake while a fucking hurricane rages all about you. “I never expected for this to happen,” escapes me. Steve apparently didn’t either, judging from the look he gives me. He’s happy to help though. He’s always been like that - like a happy puppy brightening its owner’s day. It’s one of the many reasons why I fell I love with him back then. 

“Well, we’ll find a way to deal with it, like we always do.”

T’challa stays at the back, for which I’m grateful; it’s bad enough having to depend on Steve like this. Why is that bathroom so far away? But I struggle on, and in the end, I make it. “Don’t let go,” I whisper, in spite of feeling embarrassed. I don’t want to end up sprawled all over the floor.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” Steve opens the bathroom door.

I feel disorientated and dizzy, not to mention the damn nausea that’s rising. It’s probably a good thing I’m already in the bathroom. Steve lowers me onto the toilet seat, for which I’m grateful as I do need a moment to collect myself. “This is unreal.” But it’s happening all right. T’challa‘s right. The loss of my arm upset my balance and I can’t seem to counteract it. Nothing in my training ever prepared me for this.

“How do you want to do this?” 

Steve sounds like he’s up to something and I eye him suspiciously. 

“Want me to hold it?”

“Did you actually say that?” And why is he wiggling that fucking eyebrow at me? “You wish you were! But it’s not going to happen, pervert!” By reacting like that I play it safe. No emotions, just sarcasm.

“I wouldn’t mind holding it.”

“Steve…” Exasperated I slowly shake my head at him. “I can do this.”

“How? The moment I let go you fall.”

“I can do this sitting down, man.” Is he really going to stay the entire time? “Just get the hell out.”

“Are you sure?”

The puppy-dog look is back, damn it. “I’m sure!” 

“I’m leaving the door ajar. Call me when you’re done in here.”

Mentally, I count to ten, so I don’t lose my patience yet. I know he means well, but he’s not helping.

“I’m letting go now.”

The fact that he needs to announce it makes me cringe. I steady myself and place a hand against the tiled wall in order to support myself. It works, but getting to my feet will be quite the challenge. “Get out – now.” I mean it. Steve’s still smiling, but he isn’t fooling me. He wants to stay and to make sure I’m fine. 

“Just yell,” Steve starts and I shoot him away. In the end, he finally leaves me and I’m alone in the bathroom. 

Taking care of my most basal needs never was so challenging. I relieve myself, but heading over to the sink isn’t an option. I stare at my hand and experience an overwhelming sense of loss. My metal arm WAS a part of me and I miss it. I don’t miss its lethal capacity, but I miss simply having it. I distinctly feel disadvantaged being reduced to one arm. How the hell am I supposed to defend myself if someone like Stark wants me dead after all? 

“I hope you’re done,” Steve announces as he peeks around the door. “Looks that way to me.” He walks toward me and lowers himself on his heels. “It might look bleak now, but we’ll deal with it.”

His faith in me still stuns me. I have no other choice than to go along. “Now what?”

“How about an old-fashioned sponge bath?”

Why is he winking at me? “In your dreams.” But cleaning up sounds good. “Maybe a quick bath though…” I let my gaze drift over to the bath tub. He’ll get the hint.

“Hum, I first need to check if that’s okay.”

“Have you always been such a terrible mother hen?” But yeah, he always watched over me. It’s nothing new. The extent he’s going to in order to look after me is new though. 

“Where you’re concerned? Yes, and you know it. Don’t move. I’ll be right back.”

I watch him storm out of the bathroom and wonder what he’s up to and if it’ll get me into trouble. The mirror over the sink draws my attention and I stare at the face looking back at me. I haven’t looked at myself for a long time. I detest mirrors. The eyes staring back at me look worn and haunted and I quickly look away. No need to face the monster just yet. 

“I checked with your doc and he says it’s fine as long we don’t get your shoulder exposed to the water!”

He sounds overly enthusiastic and I’m beginning to understand the situation I so masterly maneuvered myself into. Steve turns on the taps and water starts rushing into the tub. He’s putting towels next to it and then gives me an expectant look. He’s not going to stay, is he?

“Come on, Buck. You have nothing I haven’t seen before!” The leering grin is back. “And I have seen you naked before!”

That comment makes me frown. “When was that?” I don’t remember that, but then again, my memory isn’t what it used to be. It has frightening large gaps, and then there are memories so vivid I can never forget them, even though I’d love to. Steve gathers my hand in his before answering me.

“Remember that time when we went swimming in the river? Those bullies from school followed us and stole our clothes. We ended up using all kinds of stuff covering up.”

“But we had fun.” Yeah, that does sound familiar. Getting home without being seen had been quite challenging. 

“Yes, we did. So, I have seen you naked!” he states triumphantly.

“We were about ten at that time!” 

“Doesn’t matter.”

That’s why I avoided arguing with Steve in the past. He always wants to have the last word. “If you say so.”

“Yes!”

I can’t help but smile fondly at him. “So how are we going to do this?” 

He quickly turns off the water and adds bath gel, which makes the room smell of roses – I give him the evil eye because of that.

“Come on, there’s nothing wrong with smelling great!”

“You could have used a more manly smell. Now I stink of roses.” I’m not angry with him though; I just love the bantering. I always did. 

“Could be worse. Now, let’s do this. Shirt first. I’ll be careful.”

I know he will. I let him take charge and it doesn’t take him long to remove my shirt and pants. 

“Going commando?”

What’s up with that grin? I ignore the teasing as I need to concentrate on stepping into the bathtub. “I can’t believe they reduced me to this.”

“It’s only temporary,” Steve says at once. “Now, go slowly.”

He lowers me into the bathtub and makes sure my injured shoulder stays clear of the water. “I’m fine, thanks.” It does feel good to be off my feet again. 

“Now, relax and enjoy. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Steve collects my clothes from the floor and leaves.

I close my eyes, draw in a series of deep breaths, and try to calm down. The fact that I can’t walk unaided really gets to me. I never realized that my metal arm was that heavy and that my body adapted to it. How long will it take before I grow accustomed to the loss? Given the possibility, do I want it reattached? I don’t even know if that’s an option. Is it still in Siberia? Did Stark take it with him? Did he destroy it? If he did, then I shouldn’t even think about having my arm restored. My thoughts keep running in circles and I don’t know how to stop them. In the past I never had that much time to think. I was either in cryo or on a mission. The moments which belonged to me were sparse. 

“Don’t tell me you fell asleep.”

Steve’s back and I look at him. He’s putting out towels. “I can take care of myself.” I’m done with him coddling me. I support myself while rising from the water, but the dizziness makes a big comeback. Fuck, this can’t be happening, but I start to topple over again. My body’s being pulled to one side and I can’t stop it. 

“I’ve got you.” 

Steve steadies me and with his help, I manage to get out of the tub. He wraps me up in large towels and puts me back on the toilet seat. I can’t believe how much taking that bath drained me! I dry my skin to my best ability and wait for what will happen next. Steve’s back with a morning robe, which he puts on me. Together we make our way back to the bed and I sit down. I’m shaking and I can’t believe I’m that fucking weak!

“Lie down and get comfortable. It’s time for your medication and a nap.”

“A nap!” Frustrated, I glare at him. 

“Yes, a nap. You’ll feel better after that.”

My frustration is getting the better of me and that means Steve’s going to pay the price for that, but before I can tell him off, T’challa and someone I haven’t seen before enter the room. The newcomer is wearing a doctor’s coat, so I assume he’s part of the medical staff looking after me. I rein in my anger and hope they won’t stay long. 

“Mister Barnes,” the physician says in a drawl similar to T’challa’s. “My name is Akachi and I’ve been looking after you. T’challa informs me that you are encountering some difficulties?”

I don’t like doctors and scientists. I learned to be suspicious of them for a good reason. I reckon T’challa and Steve already updated the medical staff, so there’s little reason for me to refuse to cooperate. I doubt I’ll be telling them anything new. “My balance’s off and I’m tired.”

“That’s a bit of an understatement, I guess.” 

The doctor studies me and I return his inquisitive look. “Just fix my balance if you can.” The fatigue will eventually go away, but the balance issue really worries me. 

“That will take time,” the doctor cautions.

“Have you considered reattaching your arm?” T’challa asks suddenly.

“I don’t even know if that’s an option. What happened to it? The last thing I remember is Steve dragging me out of there.” I never want to go back there. Siberia was hell on earth. I lost count of the times they programmed and debriefed me, all in order to prepare me for my next mission. The pain… it rips right through me and my fingernails bury themselves in the palm of my hand, just trying to control it.

“Bucky!” 

Steve is at my side in a split second and I sigh in relief when the memories fade in intensity. “I’m fine,” I manage after catching my breath.

“No, you are not,” T’challa states and nods at his physician, “But you will be.”

In an unattached way I watch the doctor hook me up to some IV. I don’t care what they’re feeding me. I never get to have a say in my life at any rate. 

“Try to rest, Mister Barnes,” the physician says while adjusting the intravenous feed. “This will help you relax and maybe even sleep. It will take the edge off your pain.”

Steve takes up position on the side of the bed again and gives me one of his patented looks. I find comfort in having him close.

“You wanted to know about your arm,” Steve says in a careful tone. “We brought it back with us. It’s here and if you want it, waiting for you. Reattaching it might be tricky, but we should manage. I thought you should know.”

“Thanks.” I did want to know what happened to it. “I don’t think we should do that though. I’m dangerous enough as it is. With that arm restored, I am…” I can’t end that sentence. “It’s best to destroy it.”

“Why don’t we wait a little before deciding what to do with it? We’ll find a way to deal with Hydra’s legacy. We’re working on it. You know how conditioning works. It can be undone, or if necessary altered. This isn’t hopeless.”

Steve actually believes that. I, however, don’t. I know how deeply their programming is anchored in my mind. Even though the book is gone, anyone speaking the right words can make me kill again.

ooooooo

“I sent off your package. I must admit to being surprised that you are contacting Tony Stark.”

“No matter what happened,” I explain to T’challa, “he’s a friend. A misguided friend, but still. I have to reach out and try to get through to him.” T’challa picks up a cup filled with tea and turns toward the window. The view is stunning and I love seeing the massive panther sitting protectively in the valley. “Zemo played all of us.”

“To perfection,” T’challa agrees and sips from his tea. “Do you expect Tony Stark to react to your peace offering?”

“Not quite yet. He needs time to work through everything that has happened.” I accept a mug filled with steaming coffee when T’challa offers me one. “We need time to cool down. I don’t know what I’d do if Tony stood in front of me right now. He hurt Bucky.” That’s all the explanation it needs.

T’challa gives me an understanding look. “You care a great deal about Sergeant Barnes. Maybe even a bit more than that?”

His comment draws a chuckle from me. “Honing those diplomatic skills, your highness? They need more work though.” 

“You do not seem cross with me for mentioning it,” he remarks.

T’challa studies me from over the rim of his tea cup. “I’ve been in love with him ever since I was a teenager. Things were different back then. There was no way two men could be together in that way.”

“But things have changed,” T’challa remarks in an effort to draw me out.

“I’m not going to risk our friendship over this. Bucky’s too important for that. I don’t want to create distance when he needs his best friend.”

T’challa cocks his head. “With all due respect, Captain, you are not as observant as they say you are.” 

After uttering that cryptic remark, he puts down his empty cup, turns around, and leaves the room. What was that about?

oooooooo

I spend the rest of the evening studying the blue prints from the raft prison my team mates are kept prisoner on. It’s only a matter of time before I’ll get them out. T’challa offered them sanctuary too, so if they want to, they can stay here. I reckon Clint will want to go home, but it isn’t safe for him – or his family. 

We’ve been trading one enemy for another all along. It started off with Hydra, then infiltrated Shield agents tried to kill me and now it’s the United Nations trying to shut us down. I’ll never sign those Accords though. I refuse to trade away my freedom in that way. Not to mention that if Peggy had lived, she would have my hide for even considering it.

“Why are you still here?”

Ah, Bucky’s awake again. He managed to sleep a whooping ten hours, probably due to the medication they gave him. The drip’s gone though now that the medicine did its work. “Where else would I be?” I move my chair closer to the bed and watch him struggle to sit upright. I don’t help – not yet. It’s important he doesn’t come to lean on me too heavily. 

“What are you doing?” 

Bucky points at the papers in my lap and I explain, “Our teammates are imprisoned. I’ll get them out.” Bucky’s gaze darkens and I can guess what he’s thinking.

“And I can’t help.” 

He obviously feels helpless. I shift forward on my chair and wrap my fingers around his hand; that gesture calmed him down the other day. “You can help by staying put so I don’t have to worry about you. I can get them out by myself. If necessary, T’challa will back me up, but I doubt it’ll come to that.”

“Still, I would feel better if I had your back.”

I search his eyes before saying, “You can only do that when you’re back to a hundred percent.” 

“I know that,” Bucky breaks eye contact and looks at the wall instead. 

I hate putting him in this position, but he needs to carefully consider his options. “Are you thirsty? Do you want some water?” Bucky nods and I collect the glass from the nightstand. Regrettably I have to let go of his hand so he can drink. Bucky takes small sips and then looks at me again. I can tell it takes a lot of courage for him to face me. “Maybe we can go a walk? The view is stunning. You need to see this huge statue of a panther.”

“If you think that’s the smart thing to do. I’ll probably be tripping over my own two feet the entire time.”

I learned how to interpret ‘Bucky speech’ years ago and that reply means he’s willing to try. As long as he doesn’t tell me no, we’re safe. I put the now empty glass back onto the nightstand and wonder about the best course of action. In the end, I pull his backpack from underneath the bed and put it beside him on the bed. “Recognize this?” He looks up in surprise and reaches for the backpack.

“How did you get your hands on this?” He opens it and removes several notebooks from it. 

“They’re important to you.” 

“Did you read them?” 

He doesn’t sound exactly suspicious, more worried about what I’d make from the content. “I leafed through them at your place when I found you. I didn’t read them. They’re yours – private.”

“But you know what’s in them?” 

“I can guess. You wrote down the things you remember. You can’t really trust your memory, can you?” I wish I could undo the damage Hydra did, but I can’t. I can only support him, be there for him when he needs me. Bucky opens one of them and turns several pages, skipping the content.   
“They wiped your memory when they turned you into the Winter Soldier, didn’t they?”

Bucky nods. “Sometimes, at the end of a particularly long mission, I would remember bits and pieces. I never got the chance to question them though. Once the mission was completed I was pulled back in and either put in cryo or wiped clean again.”

I’ll never forget the day I happened on him in battle and he asked me who the hell Bucky was. “But your memories returned and that’s why you dragged me from the water after the battle. You remembered. You knew me.”

Bucky tilts his head, appearing unsure. “I thought I knew you. I wasn’t sure. My memories only started to make sense several days after I got you out and everything was still rather hazy. I had flashes – moments of memories, completely out of perspective and I had no idea what was happening or who I was. I didn’t know who you were until I remembered us being childhood friends. Things made sense after that. I wrote everything down because I was afraid I was going to forget it again. I knew that if Hydra got their hands on me it would be all over. That’s why I fled to Bucharest. I didn’t think anyone would look for me there.”

“You can ask me anything,” I offer readily. “Whatever you want to know.”

Bucky actually chuckles. “I know that. But there are some things I prefer forgotten.”

“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Bucky. Once Zola got his hands on you, it was out of your control. You have to forgive yourself for what they did to you. You’re not a killer. You know that. They made you into a killer. There’s a difference. You’ would never have murdered anyone if you’d had a choice.”

“I’m not sure.” Bucky closes the notebook and stares ahead. “I still did those things. Some part of me must have wanted that. Otherwise I would have been able to stop myself from murdering people. Take Stark’s parents for example. I actually knew Howard. I talked to him, joked with him, even had a drink with him before Hydra got to me. I actually liked the guy and I still killed him.”

I claim his hand again and the touch helps Bucky focus again for his gaze shifts back to me. “Bucky, listen to me. It wasn’t you. You couldn’t kill Howard, nor could you murder his wife. Hydra made you do it.” Maybe I should ask T’challa to send some of his scientists to Siberia to study the equipment Hydra used to brainwash Bucky. That might give us the information we need in order to remove Hydra’s programming, which undoubtedly still slumbers deeply inside Bucky’s mind. “In your heart you must know that. You’re a soldier, not an assassin.” Bucky wavers and I feel relieved that I’m finally addressing these issues. “This has to come in the open; the things Hydra did to you. You need to find your place in this world and you can’t do that with Hydra breathing down your neck.”

‘Hydra’s still out there,” Bucky cautions me.

“True, but we cut off most of its heads for now and I promise you that they’ll never again get their dirty hands on you. And you know that I keep my promises.”

“I do know that,” Bucky admits. 

He looks lost and I reckon it’s time for action. “How about we go for that walk now?”

“If you don’t mind helping me out.”

“I’ll always help, Bucky.” I push the blankets aside and wait for him to move his feet onto the floor. “Take your time.” Bucky slowly gets to his feet, and as expected, sways. I steady him, wrap an arm around his waist, and wait for him to get his footing. “Talk to me, Buck.”

“I’m coping. This should be doable.” 

I don’t rush him and wait for him to take the first step. When he does, I move along. It’s a big improvement from the first time he tried to walk. “You’re doing better!” 

“Only because I’ve got your support.”

“That doesn’t matter! We’ll do this step by step!” I’m smiling by the time we leave his room and enter the corridor. 

“This place is bigger than I thought,” Bucky observes.

He’s growing more alert by the minute and I love seeing that old spark kick back in. “It’s huge. This is just the medical ward.” I guide him down the corridor and toward the huge window T’challa showed me earlier. It has a spectacular view. “You are doing better, really, I meant it.” When we started this walk, Bucky was leaning heavily on me, but now, he’s supporting most of his own weight. I turn my head and smile at him. “You’ll be walking and running before you know it.” I do wonder what kind of serum Zola used on him. Was it the same I was exposed to or did Zola tweak it to his own needs? Bucky is though and can take an amount of punishment similar to me. The enhanced metal arm gives Bucky the same edge the shield gives me. Or gave me, since I returned it to Tony. Bucky and I are quite evenly matched.

“Why are you looking at me in that way?”

“What way?” I’m not giving in easily. I’ll make him work for it. Annoying him will draw him further out of his shell. A silent and demure Bucky is not a good thing. 

“Like you’re… I don’t know. You looked weird for a moment.”

It’s time to distract him again. “Look over there and stop worrying.” I direct his attention to the panoramic view, and although I’ve seen it before, it still takes my breath away. Nature is awe-inspiring and this is the perfect example. Bucky shifts away from me so he can see what I’m talking about. The movement causes me to take up position behind him and I wrap my arms around him, while resting my chin on his right shoulder. “What do you think?” Bucky leans back against me and I enjoy the moment, the intimacy of it. 

“You’re right. It’s amazing. Until now I didn’t realize where I was. I’ve always been cooped up inside a room, a cryo tube, or a prison cell. While I was away on a mission I didn’t pay the world any attention. I didn’t actually register it. My sole focus was on the mission.” 

Bucky grows quiet for a moment and then relaxes further against me. In response I tighten my hold. “If you want to, we can go outside. You need to work on walking on your own. Maybe exercise a bit in the gym.” Bucky nods and I realize he’s found a reason to recover. He wants to be a part of this world. He just needs help finding his place in it.

oooooooooooo

“If you walk this way you can sit outside. It has a terrace, you know.” 

This time, I heard T’challa sneak up on us, though Steve was doing his best to divert me. The way he presses against me is rather distracting. I do wonder what’s up with that. I understand he wants to stop me from falling on my butt, but wrapping me up in such an embrace is different. I’m not complaining though. I have lived without a friendly touch for too many decades. It’s only now that I realize how much I missed it. 

“Come on, let’s go. We can do with some fresh air.”

Steve’s mind seems already made up and he urges me to follow T’challa. I give in, since I want to breathe in some fresh air too, and painstakingly slowly – at least to me – we follow T’challa onto the terrace. I hold my breath at the beauty that lies in front of me. Behind the glass I couldn’t smell the jungle, or hear its sounds. The last sunlight of the day sweeps across my face and I tremble. The sensation is almost too much. Fortunately Steve senses that and lowers me onto one of the chairs. “This is… beyond words.” I draw in the sight and can’t get enough of it. The sky, the clouds, the trees, and the call of the wild animals – I missed all that. Just being out in the open makes me feel alive. The two of them sit down at either side and I pretend I don’t notice the way they’re eying me. My reactions must seem strange to them.

“I still vividly recall coming out here for the first time,” T’challa says, breaking the silence and drawing my attention back to him. “I found it rather overwhelming. I had just learned that I would bear the mantle of the Black Panther one day, along with the mantle of King. And to view my kingdom in such a way… I am not merely its King. I am its protector as well.” 

I look at T’challa and wonder what his life has been like so far. Being royalty and with this blessed protector thing going on, his people probably kiss the earth he walks on.

“It also comes with a great burden,” T’challa continues. “But one my people help me carry. I want to do the same thing for you. I offer you a home, if you want that, but…” he pauses, as I suspect to add a dramatic effect, “but I doubt you will find that what you are looking for here. For now, please accept my offer and make this your home. You are welcome here.”

What set off that little speech, I wonder? And how do I react to it? 

“You do not need to say anything. Just know the offer stands,” T’challa ends.

“Thank you, I appreciate it,” I reply once I trust my voice again. Such generosity is new to me. Does he expect something in return? I’d better not voice that though. I don’t want jinx it. I tune them out as best as I can and watch the scene in front of me. I stare at the waterfall, loving its wild elegance. From somewhere deep within the jungle animal calls sound and I wonder what kind of beasts inhabit this land. I would love to explore it. Slowly, nature lures me into relaxation and eventually sleep claims me again. For some reason I just can’t seem to stay awake for long.

ooooooo

“He is asleep again,” T’challa remarks, while smiling at Bucky. “I expected him to be trouble, but he is remarkably easy going.”

“He’s tired of fighting and can you blame him? Hydra has been using him for their evil plans since decades. This is a dream come true for him. For once, no one’s hunting him. No one’s threatening to put him into cryo or wipe his mind. This is the first time he’s at peace. Even in Bucharest he had to constantly watch his back in case someone recognized him.”

“I do understand, Mister Rogers,” T’challa replies. “I was merely observing a fact.”

“Sorry,” I apologize. “I do tend to overreact where Bucky’s concerned.”

“No apology is necessary. I understand. When you love someone, you are protective of them.” 

I quickly glance over at Bucky, but he’s asleep and didn’t hear T’challa’s observation. “I need a plane tomorrow. I want to free my teammates. They’ve been imprisoned long enough.”

“I will arrange for it. I will even accompany you. Will they return to the US or join us here?”

“I wish I knew.” But I don’t. “I just want them out of there.”

“I will make all necessary arrangements. Mister Stark received your package several hours ago. I take it you did not hear from him yet?”

“I don’t expect him to get into touch so quickly. Maybe in a few days. Tony’s ego is gigantic, but even he has to admit Zemo played him. He’ll turn around eventually. I’m counting on it.”

“So he can aid Sergeant Barnes’ recovery?”

T’challa really is smart. I need to be careful around that guy. “Hopefully, but I’m not counting on it. I’ve got a feeling Bucky might want that arm back. Reattaching it might be a challenge and Tony excels at mastering challenges.”

“My science department is working on that. They designed my suit and are used to working under unique circumstances. I have complete faith in them.”

I nod, as I do believe him, but if Tony was onboard everything would go faster.

000000000

Waking up in bed, I should feel alarmed for not having noticed them moving me back to my room. But my mind is sluggish and I can’t be bothered to worry about it. “Why are you in uniform?” Steve’s getting into his boots and looks ready for a fight. I wish I could back him up, but I would only cause trouble. He’s right. I belong on the sidelines, or in this specific case, in a bed. 

“I’m going to bust our friends out of prison,” Steve says as he gets to his feet. “I’ll be back before you know it. Try to get some rest. You’re doing great. You really are. Do you have any idea how proud of you I am?”

Proud? Of me? I don’t say anything though. He’s about to head for enemy territory. “Be careful. Is T’challa watching your back?” I expected to feel jealous, but I don’t. I just want Steve to be safe. 

“He’s coming along, yes.”

“That’s good.” Saying goodbye is harder than I remember, but then again it’s been over seventy years since I had to do so. “Just get going.” Steve seems oddly pleased and suddenly he leans in closer. Unexpectedly, he presses his lips against my brow, leaving behind a feather light kiss. 

“You don’t need to worry about my safety, but I love you for doing so.”

Steve sounds odd and that kiss was even weirder. What was that all about? I watch him march out of the room and hope T’challa will keep him safe. 

ooooooooooo

Getting them out was appallingly easy. Security was quickly overrun and the prison cells are empty now. All of them were happy to see me and already their plans are unfolding. Scott is definitely heading back to the States. It looks like he has a bone to pick with Tony who really got under his skin. Wanda wants to head for Sokovia to help her people and I understand her motives. I might do the same in her shoes. Sam and Clint are accompanying me back to Wakanda. Clint really wants to head home, but he also realizes he’ll endanger his family the moment he does. Sam merely mourns the loss of his flight suit. 

While Scott and Wanda leave for their destinations, Clint and Sam sit down opposite me. We’ll reach Wakanda in an hour, so there’s enough time to catch up. “Did they at least treat you decently?” The look Clint and Sam exchange before answering my question tells me all I need to know. 

“Decent enough,” Sam replies at long last. “We’re tough, we manage. But tell us, what happened once you got to Siberia?”

“Zemo happened,” I reply after a long pause. “He managed to manipulate Tony to such a degree that he wanted to kill us.”

“Us being…?” 

Clint probably already knows the answer, but he wants me to say it. “Bucky and I. Tony managed to rip off his arm. Bucky’s still recovering from that.”

“Fuck,” Sam whispers as he shakes his head. “I already reckoned Zemo was bad news, but I never thought he would manage to make us turn on each other.”

“It’s a bit more complicated.” It’s better to get this out in the open as quickly as possible. “The Winter Soldier killed Tony’s parents. Hydra made him do it; you’ve seen what he’s like when Bucky’s under their influence. By now, Tony probably understands Zemo manipulated him, but actually admitting it will be hard on him.”

Sam nods. “Especially taking that monster ego of his into account.”

Clint gives me his patented pensive look. “I know what it’s like to be without will. I was someone’s puppet once.” His expression darkens as he remembers those days serving Loki. “I remember what I did, but I also know that I didn’t have a choice. It must be worse for your friend. For how long did Hydra have him?”

“About seventy years.” Looking at them, I realize I can count on their support. 

“The guy kinda grows on you,” Sam acknowledges. “I was determined to dislike him, but… that’s hard. He doesn’t like confrontations. I wanted to dislike him, but he’s basically a good guy they took advantage of.”

Sam nailed it in one. “As I said, he’s still recovering, so give him some space, yeah?”

“Sure,” Sam replies, but the mischievous glint in his eyes tells me Bucky might not get a respite for long.

ooooooooooooo

“How did it go?” I put my journal aside and focus on Steve. He looks fine, but looks can be deceiving. “Any problems? Did you get them out?”

“Everything went as planned. Wanda is on her way to Sokovia and Scott kept going on about getting back at Tony, so he’s heading home. Clint and Sam opted to come to Wakanda.”

“It’s good that you got them out.” He doesn’t look tired or injured, so I reckon he’s honest and everything went well. “You forgot your phone though. You got some messages. The damn thing kept beeping.” I could have switched it off, but that would have meant leaving my bed and I didn’t feel like it. To be honest, I like being lazy for a change. It’s not like I had a lot of opportunity to do so in the past. Each time I wake up, I expect to be back in a cryo tube, and when I find myself in a bed instead, I’m confused. It will take a long time for me to get used to these changed circumstances. Steve picks up his phone and checks it. His expression tells me something unexpected occurred. 

“Tony sent a message.” 

That explains his surprise. Do I want to know what it says?

“He actually commends me on getting them out and assures me he’s not getting involved in tracking them down.” Steve looks up and smiles. “It sounds like Tony is back on our side.” 

Steve looks relieved, much as expected. “You were good friends once?” I don’t know that much about Stark.

“One could say so, yes. Fighting aliens and Ultron does that. But I’m not blind to his faults. Tony means well. He created Ultron as a safeguard, but that went sour. Then we had to clean up his mess. But he’s also capable of much self sacrifice. He’s complicated.” Steve removes his boots and suit, briefly disappears in to the bathroom, and then returns wearing pants and a shirt similar to mine. “I’m hungry though.”

I point at the tray with food on the nightstand. “Eat then.” Steve picks up a plate, adds several sandwiches to it, and sits down to eat. All the while, he continues to give me that look. Its intensity still puzzles me. I don’t ask him what it’s about though as he didn’t answer my questions before. He’s probably just pestering me. 

“Want to go the gym later? Work out a bit?”

I expected that question sooner or later. “My balance is still off. I might cause further injuries if I work out like that.” I’m not making up excuses; it’s the truth. You don’t want to get the weight piled on top of you because you can’t properly stay on your feet. “But I’m willing to head for that terrace again.” 

“Sure, we can do that instead!” Steve finishes his sandwiches and picks up a muffin from the tray. “You did eat earlier, didn’t you?”

“I did. They brought soup and other stuff. Akachi made sure I ate before he left.” The doctor really did. That took me by surprise. 

“Maybe you’d like to have dinner later with Clint and Sam joining us? You seemed to like Sam and Clint’s easygoing.” 

I know what Steve’s doing. He’s trying to make them a part of my support team. Do I mind? No. Steve’s right and Sam seemed okay. “Fine with me.”

“That’s great!” Steve’s enthusiasm is back. “You just need to get to know Sam a little better. He has a great sense of humor.”

“I believe you,” I quickly say, before Steve launches into another speech. 

“And Clint… You might have a lot in common with him. He knows what it’s like to be under someone’s control. Loki made Clint do things against his will too.”

“It’s fine. I’ll meet up with them. We’ll get along.” I’ll try my hardest. Suddenly Steve gets back to his feet again and heads for my bed. “What?” I can’t help feeling a bit suspicious. 

“Move over.”

What? “Why should I…” I don’t get the chance to finish as Steve’s lying down next to me. I blink at him, wondering what he’s up to. “I’m sure T’challa will supply you with a bed, if you ask him. He does want to be the perfect host.”

“I don’t need a bed of my own. I need you –close.” 

Steve moves onto his side and then pulls me into his arms. We’re facing each other and he’s awfully close. I feel nervous all of a sudden, looking into those eyes. I can tell that this is where he really wants to be. “Steve…”

“Hey, give me a chance to catch up on some sleep, will you? Getting them out tired me.”

He’s lying. He isn’t tired at all. He’s awfully awake, but I don’t call him on it. I like having him close. Steve drapes an arm over my waist and pulls me even closer. 

“Are you comfortable like this?” 

All I’m capable of is nodding. I doubt my vocal cords will cooperate; that’s how nervous I am. 

“This isn’t new,” Steve remarks. “We did this before.”

“When we were kids,” I manage softly. 

“And as teenagers. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

He’s right. There IS nothing wrong with it, but it does complicate matters. How am I supposed to keep my distance when he does things like this? 

“Are you still tired?”

Steve’s fingers absentmindedly move across my shirt and I find it hard to concentrate. “A bit, but nothing like before.”

“Maybe you caught up on your sleep.”

Steve’s smile is quite something and it hasn’t changed over the years. Even when he was still the runt of the litter his smile lit up my world. I never fell in love with his appearance; it was his character that pulled me in. “Some things never change,” I mumble and I wish I could take it back. I never meant to say it aloud.

Steve’s smile brightens even further. “But we did.”

“You merely changed physically. On the inside you’re still that crazy kid from Brooklyn.” I’m a different matter though and we’re not discussing that. “Many people would change –character wise- after finding themselves in a body like yours and with your abilities.”

“I was actually chosen because of my sweet disposition,” Steve says, obviously amused. “During training they threw a grenade at us, and, of course, I thought it was real, so I jumped on top of it to make sure no one got hurt.”

“That does sound like you,” I concede. “How did you feel once you realized everything had changed?”

“I didn’t have that much time. Hydra timed their attack perfectly. The moment I got out of that capsule I was chasing one of their agents.”

“Did you get him?”

“After a fashion. He took his own life.” 

“Wasn’t there a woman involved?” I wish my memory worked better, but certain images are still hazy. “Brown hair? British?” 

Steve nods. “Peggy Carter. She actually survived the war and we continued our friendship. She died last week.”

Her death still affects him; that much is obvious. “I’m sorry about that. I don’t remember her that well. The name sounds familiar but… Some memories are clearer than others.”

“She had a good life. She was at peace when she died, what more can I ask for?”

The way Steve’s fingers move against the small of my back continues to distract me. We were close in the past – the very distant past – but it amazes me that he can go back to being that close so easily. 

“Can I ask you what it was like for you when Zola got his hands on you?”

Steve’s expression and his tone tell me he isn’t sure I’ll confide in him. He’s right; I’d rather not discuss it, but it wouldn’t be fair. He deserves the truth. “The first or second time?” Steve swallows hard and starts to look distressed. That was never my intention. “We don’t have to discuss this.”

“Let’s start with the first time. I got you out that time.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty, Steve. You couldn’t have saved me that second time. You thought I was dead. What else were you think? You saw me fall.” I want that guilt gone. This isn’t Steve’s fault.

“I should have gone back for you, but life was crazy those days. We took out one Hydra operation and two new ones popped up. It’s no excuse though. I should have brought your body back home. If I had, I would have found it missing and maybe then…”

I place a finger against his lips so he can’t continue. “Don’t. The guilt trip doesn’t suit you.”

“It doesn’t suit you either, Bucky.”

Boom! And suddenly I wonder if he set me up. “That’s different and you know it.”

“Don’t get off track, tell me about Zola.”

I’m more alert this time. He isn’t going to trick me again. “Truth is, I don’t remember that much. I was out for most of the time. I do remember receiving a lot of injections. I always felt nauseous after he gave me one. I used to dream about the weirdest things. I think the Red Skull was around, for he featured heavily in those nightmares. Then you appeared and got me out.” Forgetting about being on guard, I continue, “At first I didn’t realize it was you. Your face was all wrong, but your features were right. You were much too tall and way too muscular. But it was your voice and…” I almost added, you smelled familiar. I’d know that smell anywhere. 

“And what?” Steve seems determined to hear more.

“And you were just as stubborn as I remembered.” It’s not what he wants to hear, but it’s the truth. “Seeing you all muscled up took some time adjusting, but I got used to it.” Steve grins and all of sudden those fingers move beneath my shirt and stroke my skin. I wonder if he’s even aware he’s doing it. 

“I couldn’t believe you were still alive. I went in hoping to find you alive, but… There was always the chance I would be too late. When you fell into that canyon I… It was the worst moment of my life.”

“The worst? Steve, there must have been worse things in your life than losing me.”

“No,” Steve says steadfast. “Well, realizing Hydra brainwashed and used you for so long comes close. But you were alive and I was determined to get you back. I knew you were still in there and that I just had to push you. I would never give up on you.”

His passionate declaration leaves me rather stunned. I know that love comes in all kind of shapes and sizes, and if I didn’t know any better than…

“Are we interrupting anything? Do the lovebirds prefer to be left alone?”

I glare at the two men standing in the doorway. If I could, I would throw something at them, just to make them duck and go away. But I doubt it works on Falcon. I don’t know him that well, but when you’re in a fight, you get to know the other person, and he doesn’t strike me as someone who gives up easily. Clint also looks intrigued. That can’t be good.

“Actually, yes, you’re interrupting, but we’ll survive!” 

Steve takes his time shifting into a sitting position, which tells me that he doesn’t mind being seen like this. I, however, do mind! Falcon and Clint move into the room but keep a respectful distance. Maybe my facial expression has something to do with that. I don’t like having my privacy invaded!

“T’challa told us to come and get you. Apparently, dinner’s served on the terrace, wherever that is.” 

Falcon winks at Steve and I have the feeling there’s something secretive going on. 

“Are you ready for dinner?” 

Steve doesn’t give me a choice. I did promise to head for the terrace today. I don’t look forward to displaying my physical discomfort though. I did manage some steps earlier on when Steve was at his rescue mission, but I had to hold on to the bed and later the wall, or I would have stumbled. It annoys me that they’ll see me struggle. Recalling Steve’s question, I force myself to nod. “I can do this.” I do my best to shut out my audience and put my feet on the floor. I push myself upright and grab hold of the headboard. At times like these I miss my arm. With my balance being off and being reduced to one arm, I feel extra handicapped and I don’t like it.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Clint moves slightly forward, but Steve raises his hand and the archer halts.

“The loss of his arm messes with his sense of balance, but it’s only temporary,” Steve explains as he moves to my side. He doesn’t reach for me though, and lets me try on my own. “He’s doing better each time we go for a walk.”

His faith in me never wavers and it makes me shake my head. Stubborn oaf! I move toward the exit and am surprised to see both Falcon and Clint ready to reach out in case I stumble. “I can do this,” I tell them in clear terms. The coddling has to stop!

“Sure, go ahead and knock yourself out by taking a nose dive,” Falcon chuckles, but he does remain close just in case. 

Steve takes up position next to me and rests a hand at the small of my back. 

“See, you no longer need my help! You’re doing this on your own!”

I don’t reply as I need to concentrate. Balancing my body is hard work and it will take time to get used to, Akachi is right about that. The three of them start talking softly among themselves, and I pay them no attention. Instead, I rest my hand against the wall in order to help me keep my balance. 

“Ah, there you are. I was about to check on you.”

T’challa appears in front of me and all I can think of that he needs to get out of my way, as he’s blocking the corridor. T’challa then steps aside and I can enter the terrace. The table is set with food, but I focus on the chairs instead. Once I lower myself onto one, a sense of relief washes over me. I actually made it here without Steve’s support!

“You are growing stronger and are adapting, as predicted,” T’challa comments as he sits down. “You will be able to explore the jungle in a short time.”

I pay him no attention. Although I don’t feel drained, I feel dizzy. My body is recovering but my mind needs more time. I draw in a deep breath and then take in the spectacular view. I love it out here. It breathes an air of freedom I never experienced before.

Falcon, Clint, and Steve sit down as well, and Steve immediately moves his chair closer to mine. I force myself to shift my attention away from the waterfalls and to look at Steve instead. He looks mighty pleased, why?

“We should eat. The kitchen prepared several local dishes. I hope it is not too spicy,” T’challa announces and gestures at the food on the table.

I’m not hungry though. I can go without food for quite some time. I’d rather study the scenery and ignore the fact that there are five of us now. I liked it better when it was just Steve and I. Ever since Zola got his hands on me it feels like I lost every social skill I ever possessed. I just don’t know how to interact with people any more. 

“Don’t forget to eat.”

Steve puts a plate, filled with a selection of the different foods, onto my lap and gives me an encouraging look. I nod at him and force myself to try some. It’s not bad; rather spicy like T’challa said, but I’ve had worse.

“That statue,” Falcon says in between bites, “Did your people built it?”

T’challa smiles mysteriously. “No, the panther has always been here. When my people settled down the rock structure already looked like that. There is a cave situated between its front legs and each year a pair of panthers settle down there to have their young.” 

I rather like that story. 

“The panther is my totem animal,” T’challa continues. “He came to me a in a dream. Being the King’s son does not mean you automatically become the Black Panther as well. The panther chooses his human counterpart instead.”

I like that story too. Steve carefully nudges me and gives me another look, telling me to eat more. I only do so because I want to humor him. 

“I bet my totem animal is a falcon,” Sam says and grins. “What do you think is yours, Clint?”

“Probably some bird, if you believe in that stuff,” Clint says and I feel his eyes come to rest on me. “Well, what do you think your totem animal is, Bucky?”

The fact that he calls me Bucky momentarily stuns me. It’s odd, for some reason. “A vulture, maybe?” 

“No way,” Steve states in a certain tone.

“Vultures are held in high regard in my culture,” T’challa says, almost as if coming to my rescue. “They are fierce birds. Without them cleaning up nature’s messes, many illnesses would terrorize the land. They are benign creatures.” 

Benign – it’s one of the words Hydra used to condition me. Hearing it makes me flinch and sets off my alarms. Is that the way my life is going to be? Always alert and dreading the moment someone feeds me the killing words again?

“Maybe we should invite your totem animal to make an appearance?” T’challa says, and then places his hand on my arm. The touch is unexpected and I fight the urge to jump to my feet and put some distance between us. I manage to control that urge though. I don’t want them to think I finally lost my last shred of sanity. 

“How do you think that’s going to work?” I’m relieved my voice sounds steady. 

“You lost your ability to believe in nature and its mysteries. Maybe it is time you reclaim it. For now, let us enjoy dinner.”

I can’t seem to figure T’challa out. In the beginning he was my sworn enemy and he wanted to kill me. These days he seems just as supportive as Steve. I’m not used to having such people around, hell; I’m not used to having anyone around. I’ve been utterly alone for so long. Realizing I didn’t finish my meal yet, I eat the remains on my plate so Steve won’t give me that look again. The four of them talk softly and I block them out. I focus on the nature surrounding me. I would be perfectly happy to spend the rest of my life sitting on this terrace, but I doubt Steve agrees. 

Suddenly there’s some commotion to our right. The terrace is fixed into the mountain and the ample amount of lush vegetation makes it hard to pinpoint the source of the noise. It sounds a lot like wings flapping, but I might be wrong.

It’s a rather large bird. It has white wings with streaks of black at the edges. It turns his head and I notice the crown like fathers that surround it. The eyes lie sunken in a sea of red and the look it gives us is rather intelligent. 

“A secretary bird,” T’challa says and cocks his head in surprise. “I should have known…” 

“I hope it’s not dangerous.” Falcon seems rather curious and moves his chair back in order to get up and check on the bird.

“I would not do that,” T’challa cautions. “It is a dangerous and unpredictable bird. It is odd that one would fly up here. They mostly live on the ground.”

“I’m not going near it,” Clint comments. “It looks nasty.”

“It is not nasty,” T’challa chuckles; Clint’s reaction obviously amuses him. “But it is dangerous. They are rather unique to our wildlife. They are fierce birds of prey and will attack anything they deem a threat. They are notorious for killing all kind of snakes, but they will also attack larger animals. They have been known to attack people when provoked. I recommend everyone keeps still.”

“A bunch of superheroes keeping still because of an angry bird,” Falcon jokes, but he follows T’challa’s advice and doesn’t move. I don’t blame him, that beak looks menacing.

The bird moves closer, constantly checking out its surroundings and us in particular. “It’s probably interested in the food,” I mumble, not wanting to draw its attention either.

“Their favorite meal consists of snakes. I doubt it is interested in our cuisine,” T’challa replies. He keeps still too. “They are majestic predators, but as I said, unpredictable.”

The bird comes to a halt in front of me and cocks its head. I have the distinct feeling it’s singling me out. “Hey, I didn’t do anything to provoke you.”

“No, you did not,” T’challa whispers. “Meet your totem animal, Sergeant Barnes. I must say it is rather fitting. You have a very powerful spirit guide.”

I roll my eyes at him. All this talk about totem animals and spirit guides is definitely getting out of hand. Thankfully the bird becomes fed up with us and jumps off the terrace, diving into the valley. I envy him. He has total freedom. 

“Hey, don’t be so glum.” Steve nudges me again. “Just be happy to be out here, enjoying the sunset.”

Steve’s right. In a way, I’m the happiest I’ve been in decades and I’ve got him to thank for it. He never lost faith in me and I’m starting to understand that he never will.

oooooooooooooooo

“I’m knackered and turning in early tonight. Just stay put, no need to get up,” Clint announces. He doesn’t look tired though and I reckon it’s just a ploy to give Bucky more privacy. 

“I’m joining you,” Sam agrees. “That bed in my prison cell gave me back aches. I can’t wait to get a good night’s sleep.” Sam rises from his chair and studies Bucky, who doesn’t seem to notice them leaving. “He likes it out here.”

I agree; yeah, this is Bucky’s vision of heaven. “We’re going to enjoy the view a little longer and we’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes, let’s hit the gym then! I need to move! That cell was tiny.” 

Something flashes across Sam’s face and I have a pretty good idea what he’s thinking about. Bucky spent most of his life that way. But that’s over now. I watch them leave and then turn my attention back to Bucky. He doesn’t fool me though; he’s completely aware of what’s happening around him. “Both of them like you.”

Bucky shrugs. “They’re fine.”

I still need to get used to a silent Bucky. When we were growing up, he talked a lot more. Maybe that chatter will come back in time. “It’s peaceful out here.”

“I love it.” Bucky sounds a little more enthusiastic this time. “I never dared to imagine what my life could be like after getting away from Hydra. That was never an option. They always had a tight control over my actions and I was hardly ever alone. But this… I couldn’t have imagined it in my wildest dreams. When I was living in Bucharest my apartment was my safe heaven. I didn’t need more than that.”

All right, maybe making him open up isn’t that hard after all. He does want to talk, but he wants to pick the subject to discuss. I can do that. “I’ve seen apartments like yours, mostly owned by veterans returning after war and unable to deal with the outside world.” I recall the way he had covered up the windows, the lonely mattress on the floor and the bare necessities in that apartment. My tactic seems to work and Bucky studies me in turn, fully making contact and not hiding anymore.

“You’re right. I don’t know how to function in this world. For over seventy years I was Hydra’s assassin. I didn’t have a life of my own. They used me as they saw fit. I’ve seen things, done things, which you can’t possibly imagine. I’m tired, Steve. I just want to live out my life in peace, if possible sitting here like this.”

“If that’s what you want, that’s what you’ll get.” 

“You don’t seem that excited about it though,” Bucky shrewdly observes.

I have to be honest even though I might hurt his feelings. “I wish I could stop being an Avenger, but you know what I’m like. I can’t bare injustice and want to right matters. I AM Captain America and I’ll fight if they need me. But at the same time, I want to be with you. You have no idea how important you are to me, how much you mean to me.” Bucky blushes and averts his gaze. I was determined to ignore the attraction, but how can I deny it? I love him and I want to be with him. I don’t want to continue this charade, but is Bucky ready for the truth?

“If I had my arm restored I could watch your back in battle. I’m sure your friends can keep you safe, but I would feel better if it was me fighting at your side.”

I cringe; I wanted to prevent this. “Bucky, you don’t want to do this anymore. You’re through with fighting.”

“But I’ll never be through watching your back,” he says and completely disarms me with that comment. I reach for his hand and twine our fingers. I’ll have to tell him eventually. There’s no way I can contain these feelings much longer. At times, I catch myself staring at his lips and imagining what kissing them is like. “Seriously, if you’re done fighting that’s fine.” Bucky gives me a side glance and I know what’s coming next. 

“No, it’s not. I made up my mind.” 

“A moment ago, your heaven was sitting here for the rest of your life and enjoying the peace and quiet.”

“Yeah,” he whispers and nods, “But then I would be running away. It’s like you said, I want to hide, but I can’t. But you must understand, before we restore my arm, we need to find a way to deal with the brainwashing. You don’t want a loose cannon like me out there. What if someone knows which words to say in order to make me comply? Can you take that chance?”

“No, I can’t. And we won’t. We’ll free you of Hydra. It just might take a little time. And we’ll spend that time in the best way possible,” I hint, watching out over the valley and gently squeezing his hand.

oooooooooooo

Night has fallen, covering most of the valley in darkness, but the full moon still offers us enough light to enjoy the view. Had it been up to me, I would have headed back to our room some time ago, but I can’t bare tearing Bucky away from his heaven. If he wants to sit here throughout the night, we will. 

“The night carries its own splendor,” T’challa says as he joins us on the terrace. I immediately notice the package he’s carrying. “This arrived an hour ago. The sender is Tony Stark.” He places the package on the table and sits down. “Would you care for a drink?” he offers, seeing we’re out. 

“I can really do with some beer.” A cold one sounds perfect. “What about you, Buck?”

“No alcohol…”

“We also have non alcoholic beer,” T’challa offers. “I will be right back.”

“No alcohol? That’s quite a change from…” I stop myself just in time.

“From the Bucky you knew? I guess so. I don’t trust myself around alcohol. Believe me; you don’t want the Winter Soldier to rip this place apart.” 

Seeing him like that hurts and I vow to find a way to deal with Hydra’s deadly legacy. No matter what it takes, Bucky will be free of that monster. 

Upon his return T’challa puts three bottles of beer on the table. “That one has no alcohol, so you can safely enjoy it,” he tells Bucky, who picks up the bottle and closely studies the label. Only once he seems satisfied, he takes a swig and relaxes. I follow his example and enjoy my beer as well. 

“What’s up with that package?” Bucky eyes it suspiciously. 

The package has me puzzled too, so I reach for it, set it on my lap, and unwrap it. Inside is another box and when I open that one I find… An olive branch with the olives still attached to it. I laugh and shake my head. “He took that one quite literally.” There is a card as well and I turn it around in order to read the message. “Truce?” That’s all it says. “I reckon it’s up to us now. What do you think?” I hand Bucky the card and he stares at it for a long time. “Shall we give him that chance?”

“Does he know I’m here with you?”

“Of course, he does.” What’s that question about? 

“And he still wants a truce?” 

“You’ve seen only the worst of him. He’s capable of good too,” I remind him. “It’s up to you. I’m not going to say yes if you don’t want me to.” Bucky has to make the choice. He needs to make this choice. He never had the chance to do so before. “Your opinion matters.” Bucky continues to study the card like it holds a hidden message. “Bucky?”

“A truce is fine with me,” Bucky says eventually. “Stark’s your friend, and it if means getting him off my back I would be mad not to take the offer.”

“He probably calmed down by now and realizes he made mistakes. Tony isn’t good at admitting being flawed. He uses a lot of big words to say nothing, but you need to look at his actions instead. They tell you want he’s really like. Don’t judge him based on Zemo’s manipulations. I think you should give Tony a chance.”

“You know him best.” Bucky places the card back into box. 

Seizing the moment, I uncover my phone, and text Tony. We accept. It’s a truce. We should talk in person though. I send the message and place the phone aside. 

“If Zemo hadn’t shown Stark that footage, he would not have snapped,” T’challa offers in an attempt to reassure Bucky. “Zemo had everything planned to the last detail. None of you stood a chance.”

“That might be, but I still killed Stark’s parents. We can’t deny or ignore that.”

I sigh at hearing it. “That was Hydra, not you, Bucky.” I doubt he believes me though – not yet. This will be a long process; convincing Bucky that he’s a victim too. He still blames himself for not fighting harder. My phone beeps. “He’s quick!” It’s Tony again. Reading aloud, I say, “I’m up for a meeting. Want me to fly into Wakanda?” At that, I look to T’challa for an answer.

“He can fly in using a plane. Mister Stark is welcome, Iron man is not.”

“Can I quote you on that?” I’m already typing the answer and sending the message though.

“Of course.” T’challa sips from his beer and relaxes further. “I approve of his development. Mister Stark’s help is welcome. My staff is working on restoring function to your arm and we are making progress, but Tony Stark is the real expect in these matters.” T’challa’s gaze shifts over to Bucky. “I assume you want it restored?”

Bucky wavers, but then nods. “Yes, but first I want to get rid of Hydra’s programming. That needs to be tackled first.”

“I understand… Though we might have encountered a little problem in that department.”

T’challa’s worrying me. “What problem?” And why don’t I know about it?

“My men just reported in from Siberia.” Seeing Bucky’s puzzled look, he explains, “Captain America and I agreed that we should secure the equipment Hydra used to wipe your memory. When they arrived, it was gone.”

I use my hold on Bucky’s hand to keep him from making any hasty moves. “That doesn’t need to be a bad thing.” Bucky looks at me like I lost my mind and I get it. “There’s only one other person who knows about the camp and that’s Tony. If he took it, he took it for a reason and he wouldn’t offer a truce if he wanted to harm you.”

“Steve, sometimes you’re still very naive,” Bucky surprises me by saying. “You need to consider the possibility that Stark will use Hydra’s technology to his advantage. This truce could be one big ruse, trying to make you feel safe and then strike when you’re at your most vulnerable!”

“I know that makes sense to you,” I concede, “But I can’t believe Tony’s fallen that deeply. I know he’s a complicated man, but no – he wouldn’t do that. You saw him at his worst and I understand that you find this hard to believe, but he’s a good man.”

“Only time will tell,” Bucky whispers in a miserable tone. “I merely hope you won’t have to pay the price for your faith in him.”

ooooooooo

It’s already early in the morning when I allow Steve to walk me back to my room. I have a lot to think about. Tony Stark entering the frame does little to reassure me. He’s a loose cannon and I know from firsthand experience how dangerous he is. That Steve is unconcerned about allowing Stark back into his life worries me. All I can do is to be cautious once Stark arrives.

“I do think you’re worrying over nothing.” Steve calls out from the bathroom.

Opting for a change in subject, I reply, “What’s up with you hogging my space, Steve? Got no room of your own?” The mere thought of Steve slipping into my bed again is exciting and unsettling at the same time. There will come a moment that I’ll give myself away. How am I supposed to remain calm and distant when he keeps touching me?

Steve pops his head out and smiles. “Just admit it. You love my charming company!”

He’s right of course, but… “The bed’s too small for the two of us.”

“Then we’ll have to cuddle!” Steve closes the bathroom door behind him and advances on the bed.

In a way I feel trapped. I want him close, but at the same time I’m afraid that I’ll give myself away. Steve seems unconcerned and makes himself comfortable. 

“Are you moving any closer?” he says and opens his arms. 

“Steve, what’s this about?” Like he said, I can’t run or hide forever. 

“I want to be close to you, you know that.”

Against my better judgment I move into his arms and he completes the embrace. He rests his head against my good shoulder and cuddles up to me. “Steve…” I don’t want to address this, but do I have a choice? When Sam and Clint walked in on us, they called us lovebirds, probably just in jest, but there might be some truth to it. 

“Not right now, all right? It’s too late for that, or too early in the morning. I promise we’ll talk.” 

Steve lifts his head and gives me a pleading look. How can I deny him? “If that’s what you want.” 

“Thanks, Bucky.” 

Steve cuddles back up to me and I savor holding him. I’m not tired and I doubt I can sleep, but I should give Steve a chance to catch up on his. While Steve enjoys the sleep of the innocent, I mentally prepare myself for an ugly confrontation with Tony Stark.

ooooooooooooooooooo

“What are you doing?” A still sleepy Steve eyes me and tries to pull me back into bed.

“Bathroom, do you mind?” I finally manage to slip out of his possessive hold and carefully make my way into the bathroom. I still feel unsteady, but my body seems to be adapting. After taking care of business, I return to my bed and watch Steve sleep. “What the hell are you up to?” Steve however doesn’t wake, which gives me a chance to think. I settle down on the comfortable chair in the corner and watch him. I feel like I’m missing something, but what? 

“Want some breakfast?”

I might have expected T’challa that early in the morning, but not Clint. And why is he bringing me breakfast? “I’m not hungry, but Steve might want to eat.” I’m surprised Steve hasn’t woken up yet. He’s a very light sleeper. Clint puts the tray on the nightstand and chuckles while looking at Steve. 

“It’s nice to see his guard down for a change.”

I don’t agree. I have the sneaking suspicion that Steve’s awake and merely pretending to be asleep. I just don’t know why. I reach for the coffee on the tray and wait for it to cool down. I once more realize the disadvantages to missing an arm. Clint sits down on the window sill, which is a bit too close for my personal taste. He looks like he desperately needs to speak his mind. I wait to find out what happens next. 

“Some time ago an alien called Loki came to Earth and decided he was going to rule the planet. He had this scepter and when it touched your chest, it sucked out your free will. It happened to me. I became his puppet. I hurt some very good friends back then. I shot my boss and tried to kill my best friend. Once Loki’s influence wore off and I realized what I had done, I felt bad. But Nat made it very clear that it wasn’t my fault. It was the Tesseract’s influence. It took me some time, but I made my peace with it. Letting go of the guilt was hard though.”

Am I supposed to thank him for sharing that? I hardly know the guy and he bares his soul to me? Why? I sip from my coffee and continue to watch him. 

“What I’m trying to say is that you had no choice once Hydra got its dirty hands on you. Once we learned the truth, we stopped blaming you for what happened because we knew why it happened.”

The guy really confuses me. “We?”

“Sam and I talked, and although he’s still a bit cautious around you, you have a friend in him. I’ve also been talking to Nat, don’t tell Cap though. He doesn’t know about it.”

“Nat being?” How am I supposed to keep up when I don’t know who he’s talking about?

“Natasha Romanoff, you might have heard of her? She’s also known as the Black Widow.”

Yes, the name sounds familiar. “We have met.” If I’m not mistaken I shot her in order to get to one of my targets, but that happened years ago. And she helped us to get onto the plane, I almost forgot about that, damn fucked up memory. 

“She told me a bit about the methods the Soviets use and I know Hydra’s even worse. You never stood a chance.”

What’s this supposed to be? A pep talk? I have little experience interacting with strangers and I feel rather lost. “That’s what Steve says, but I still killed those people.”

“So did I, but it wasn’t me. I would never willingly murder an innocent, and I have the feeling you’re like me in that way. I’ve done the tourist thing too, visited the museum, and learned about Cap’s history. You were his right hand man. Do you really think he would make such a huge mistake in judgment where you are concerned? Even more telling, you’ve been best friends since childhood. Steve was often bullied and you didn’t get popular siding with him. But you didn’t care. You defended him.”

I’m getting tired of this. “I understand what you’re trying to do, but you’re wrong.”

“No, I’m not and neither is Cap. You’re a victim here and you have nothing to forgive yourself for. Hydra’s the villain, you’re not.”

I don’t know when or why it happened, but suddenly tears drip down my face. I’m actually crying and never noticed it. I’m about to angrily wipe those tears away when Steve’s suddenly at my side. Sitting on his heels in front of me, his fingertips caress my face. 

“Clint’s right. I couldn’t have said it better. You will need to hear it a lot more times, but we’re getting through to you, aren’t we?”

“Maybe,” I unwillingly concede. The fact that I’m crying most mean something. 

“You should eat breakfast, both of you. A man can’t live on coffee alone,” Clint says, appearing rather accomplished. “We’ll talk later,” he adds before leaving the room. 

The tears keep coming, for some reason I can’t stop crying. “I’m sorry,” I quickly apologize. I don’t want Steve to see me like this.

“It’s actually a good thing that you’re crying. Let it all out.”

I’m still processing that comment when he suddenly slips onto my lap. His arms enfold me and he holds me close. I start to rock again, like I sometimes do when I’m upset and he goes along with it. I lose track of time, but eventually, I calm down and the tears dry. I wipe at my face, trying to rid myself of the last tears and hesitantly make eye contact. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“But I do. It’s a good sign.” 

Steve rests his brow against mine and leaves me no choice but to look him in the eye. The emotions staring back at me cause me to tremble. It’s love. Even after having been an assassin for decades, I’m apparently still capable of identifying such emotions. Maybe there’s hope for me yet. Maybe Steve… Suddenly Steve’s lips press against mine and I stop thinking. I want this too. Once the kiss ends, Steve slowly moves away and I’m starting to fear that answering it was a mistake, but then his fingertips continue to caress my face. 

“I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long,” Steve whispers, “But I lacked the courage to do so.”

I can’t really blame him, can I? “Don’t worry about it. I felt the same way.” Steve’s eyes widen. Did I say anything wrong?

“Does that mean you feel the same way about me? I’ve been in love with you since I was fifteen!”

I cough softly in order to get rid of the lump of emotions quickly blocking my throat. “I was sixteen when…” I doubt I need to spell it out. 

“You’re in love with me?” 

Maybe I do need to be more direct. “Why do you think I always hung out with you? At first, I just liked you, but I developed a major crush on you when we got older.”

“That must be true love then. I wasn’t exactly much of a hunk back then.”

“Your looks never mattered to me. I fell in love with your courage and compassion.” Hesitantly, I raise my hand and rest its palm against Steve’s cheek. I’m still rather uncertain if he’ll welcome my touch, but something makes me reach out. “I shouldn’t have told you.”

“Why not? Steve frowns and places his hand on top of mine. “I’m happy you did. I always thought I stood no chance with you. You were always around girls, arranging double dates, and that convinced me I had no chance to ever win your love.”

“I was afraid you’d reject me and that it would ruin our friendship. Dating girls seemed the safest option back then.” 

“We’ve been fools!” Steve’s fingers slide into my hair and massage my scalp. “I should have told you before you left for the army. At least then it would have been out in the open.”

“Maybe it was better that I didn’t know. Chances were small that we would meet up again, and when we did, I thought you had the hots for Peggy Carter.”

“I liked her – a lot,” Steve admits. “I definitely loved her, but I’m not sure it was the sexual kind.”

I shake my head at his admission. “You’re right; we were fools.”

“But no more,” Steve states in a firm voice. “From this moment on, that stops. We’re officially dating.”

His comment makes me chuckle. “I never dated before – officially that is.”

“I very much doubt you’re still a virgin, Bucky.”

He’s right about that. “I had some one night stands during the war – with women,” I add. “No guys.”

“Well, that will make for a very interesting first time. I never dated before period.”

I stare at him. “You never…?”

Steve shrugs. “At first no one wanted to have anything to do with the scrawny kid – except for you, that is. Then I turn into this super soldier and Hydra shows its ugly head. For a very long time, I believed Howard Stark and Peggy were together, so I didn’t try anything. Then I went to sleep for seventy years, and no, I haven’t dated since I woke up. The Avengers kept me busy.”

I probably shouldn’t ask this, but I have to know. “You’re a bloody virgin?”

“Do you mind?” 

“Don’t be mad. Of course not, it’s just… unexpected.” With my thumb I trace the outline of his bottom lip. “It’s not like I have loads of experience. The last time I had sex was more than seventy years ago!” Steve unexpectedly chuckles and I join in. “We’re some pathetic bastards, aren’t we?”

Steve nods. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure we’ll figure it out.”

My breath catches when Steve moves closer to kiss me again. I never dared to hope this would happen someday, but apparently fate decided differently. It IS happening.

oooooooooooooo

After taking another bath I slip into a new shirt and matching pants. It’s all white, hospital-issued clothing and I hate it. I hate white. Maybe I should talk them into giving me some different clothes. I comb back my hair and slowly check on my reflection. I can’t deny that I look healthier these days. My body is recovering and I feel more alert. I still dislike seeing my face in the mirror though. Even though Clint, T’challa, and Steve assured me that I’m not to blame for the murders Hydra orchestrated, I feel responsible. I pulled the trigger, I snapped necks. It was my hands doing that. 

But you had strings attached. You weren’t free to act. They fucked with your mind and made a mess of it. You’re not to blame.

I never heard that particular voice before. It’s new. I’m not saying I usually hear voices, I don’t -- much. That would mean I’m truly insane. This voice sounds a bit like Steve, though. Maybe it turned up because they keep telling me I’m not guilty of those crimes. But I am, am I not?

No, you’re not. Zola and Hydra used you. They wiped your memory and reprogrammed your brain. They forced you to do their dirty work.

I do hope that voice is going away soon. It’s annoying and distracting. I should shave, but I don’t trust myself with a razor. And I don’t trust anyone else to get that close to my throat either. 

“Man, white is definitely NOT your color!”

Shifting my gaze, I find Falcon standing in the doorway. I turn around and feel alert as I don’t know why he’s here. “I’m not interested in your opinion.” Damn, he’s blocking the doorway and I can’t leave without shoving him aside. 

“You should be interested though. I have a great fashion sense!”

“Move.” It comes out sounding an awful lot like a growl.

“Only because you asked so nicely.” 

Falcon steps aside and I can finally pass, but I feel his eyes on me. What’s he doing here? He leans against the wall and grins at me. That guy knows how to get on my nerves. “What do you want?”

“Steve and Clint are working out in the gym. They sent me to fetch you. Apparently Steve misses you.” 

I refuse to let myself be baited. “I’m staying here.” No interaction is the best interaction. 

“Steve said you might say that. Come on, we need someone to watch us pump our muscles and praise us!”

Does he ever manage a sentence without belittling me?

“Steve said he would get you personally if you didn’t tag along.”

I really don’t want to do this. Sitting in that comfortable chair with no one bothering me sounds a lot better than having them bully me. 

Come on, Sam’s right. You should do this. Steve wants you there. Get moving!

I need to find a way to shut up that little voice. Why is it popping up again?

“Bucky…”

That’s the first time Falcon said my name and it makes me look at him. He sounds serious for a change. 

“You don’t want to be stuck here with all those memories. Trust me, you need to be among people.”

“And how would you know that?” 

“I’ve been on two tours. I know what war is like.” 

I suspect some kind of trap, but Falcon remains serious and that’s the only reason why I’m hearing him out.

“It doesn’t compare to what you’ve been through, but I know what it’s like to have memories wreck havoc in your mind. The worst thing you can do is to isolate yourself. You need the human contact, even if you don’t know how to interact. Trust me, we get that. Clint and I have been there.”

He’s right; I don’t know how to react. It’s easier when he’s pestering me. In the end it’s the threat of Steve coming to get me that makes me agree. Steve doesn’t make idle threats. “I’ll come along.” But I’ll sit somewhere quietly and watch them. That’s it.

“That’s great, don’t forget your slippers though! I don’t want you to get cold feet on our way over there.”

It’s part jest and part truth, I can’t deny that. I put on those damn slippers and follow him into the corridor, taking my time getting there. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of him. 

“By the way, Tony Stark is flying in during the evening. Steve thought you might want to know.” Falcon gives me a calculating look. “Do you want to be there?”

“No, not if I can help it. I don’t want to trigger his anger again.” And I don’t want Stark to trigger my emotions either. “It’s best to keep my distance.”

“We’ll see.”

Unexpectedly I lose my footing. My balance deserts me and I topple over to one side. I try to correct my mistake, but my body is slow to react.

“Careful now. You don’t want to ruin that pretty face.”

I hardly register the words as I’m busy preparing to catch my fall, but then hands reach out and steady me. I want to pull away, but Falcon keeps me in place. I glare at him. “Remove your hands or I’ll do it for you.”

“I’m just trying to help!” 

He doesn’t let go though and maintains his hold on me. Maybe he realizes I’m all bark but don’t bite. “Let go.”

“In a moment. Get your balance back first.”

I don’t want to see it, but I read concern in his eyes. He’s not faking it or doing this because he’s Steve’s friend. He’s helping me because he wants to. I force myself to calm down and accept his help, but it’s hard. I really want to push him away and run. “I’m fine,” I whisper once I get my footing back.

“You’d better be careful. Steve would bite my head off if something happened to you on my watch.”

Now that I do believe…

ooooooooooo

I decide to meet with Tony on my own. Looking up, I catch sight of Bucky, Sam, and Clint who are watching from another terrace. T’challa is waiting inside the building, doubtlessly ready to get involved one way or the other. As my host, he apparently feels responsible for my safety. I’m glad that guy is on my side. 

The helicopter flying in demands my full attention. I’m relieved Tony’s sticking to T’challa’s demands to not storm into Wakanda as Iron Man. I have the feeling T’challa would have made him pay for that transgression. I watch closely as the helicopter lands and Tony gets out. My first impression is that he looks gruff. His face is still covered in bruises and some cuts. When we fought, I didn’t hold back.

Tony slows down and that’s when I notice the object tucked beneath his right arm. It’s my former shield. I left it behind after the fight. In a way dropping it felt liberating. However, I can’t deny that I miss it. “Tony,” I say in greeting and give him an approving nod. “It’s good to see you again.” The way Tony studies his surroundings tells me he’s searching for my team mates. “You’re safe here. No one will attack you.”

“Well, they wouldn’t stand a chance,” he quips, but then grows serious again. “This is yours. It was wrong of me to ask it back.” 

Tony offers me the shield. For one moment I’m unsure what to do, but then I reach out and take hold of it. It’s like I told Bucky: I AM Captain America and that shield is a part of me. “Thank you. Are you just lending it to me or…” Let’s see how he reacts to that.

“What, do you want an ownership certificate to go with it?” Tony rolls his eyes back and shakes his head. 

“No, it’s fine,” I say, relaxing. It looks like Tony is here to make amends. I really hope so. “You still look bruised.”

“You throw a mean punch, Cap, and that buddy of yours too.” Tony pauses and seems to consider his words. “Remember when I told you that I don’t trust a guy without a dark side?”

I chuckle softly. “So you trust me now you’ve seen my dark side?” Tony shrugs, but I can tell he’s beginning to feel comfortable around me. 

“I might have underestimates your bad-assness, Cap.” 

I signal T’challa that all is well and that he can join us. “You haven’t seen a thing yet,” I say in jest.

“Remind me to stay on your good side. So how is your buddy Bucky doing?”

“He’s slowly recovering from having his arm blown off.” Maybe I shouldn’t have phrased it like that, but I’m still angry with Tony. 

“Yeah, sorry about that. Me bad.”

Tony’s tone and expression tells me he does feel bad about what happened. The guy’s an open book once you learn how to read him. In a way I’m relieved when T’challa joins us. I didn’t realize it until now, but I haven’t forgiven Tony for hurting Bucky – maybe I never will. He hurt the man I love. 

“Mister Stark, it pleases me that you complied with my wishes. Therefore I bid you welcome.” T’challa sounds rather formal, but it suits him. His gaze shifts to the shield. “It also pleases me to see that you are righting a wrong. I assume you located Zemo and handed him over to the United Nations?”

“I did,” Tony says, looking torn between pleased and annoyed. “I was also present during his interrogation. He confessed to setting us up. He’s not getting out of that cell for the rest of his life.” His gaze shifts over to me and he grins. “I have the feeling you know what prison they have in mind for him.”

I nod. The raft prison would be perfect to contain him. “I am sorry for what happened in Siberia,” I apologize. “I don’t know why I assumed that keeping the truth from you was in your best interest. I just didn’t want to reopen old wounds.” Tony starts to shrug it off, but then turns serious again. 

“The truth hit me hard and unprepared. He killed my parents, Steve. I always felt guilty for the way the three of us parted ways. I wish I had told them that I love them, but I didn’t. Being confronted with their killer made me lose it. I snapped. I’m not proud of it, but it happened. If it makes you feel any better, Nat kicked my butt – several times actually.” 

“You do know that Sam and Clint are here as well? You have no problems with that?” After all, I broke them out of prison. We’re all fugitives.

“I’m cool with that. This mess is mostly my fault to begin with.” Tony’s face contorts. “I shouldn’t have signed those Accords. You were right.”

He’s being surprisingly serious and honest about everything and I really appreciate it. Maybe he’s maturing at last, though I doubt it will last long. “Are you staying for dinner?”

“Actually I was hoping for a party with lots of buzz and naked dancing girls.” 

T’challa laughs warmly. “Do not let the Dora Milaje hear that.” At that, Tony arches an eyebrow. “They are my personal body guards. They would hound you down and make you wish you were merely facing Captain America instead of them.”

Tony tilts his head and returns the grin. “Nat told me about them. Actually, she warned me to keep a respectful distance if I wanted my manhood intact.”

“Very good advice,” T’challa replies and gestures for us to follow him. “Dinner will be served shortly. Please follow me. We have lots to discuss.”

“Is he always that formal?” Tony asks me while he falls into step with me. “Pompous ass.”

“Behave,” I warn him. “You’re in Wakanda now. He’s right though, we have a lot to discuss.” I look up and make eye contact with Bucky, who looks rather worried. It’s a good thing to see Sam and Clint hover close just in case. Tony follows the direction of my stare and locates Bucky too.

“Yes, we do need to talk. I have some valuable information for you on your friend.”

“That can wait until after dinner. We’re guests here and should let T’challa take the lead.”

“Will they join us for dinner?” Tony inclines his head in their direction.

“Sam and Clint will, but I’m not sure about Bucky. With the two of you being in the same room things might get ugly.” 

“I’ll behave,” Tony says reassuringly. “I made mistakes, which is hard to acknowledge with me being perfect and all that.”

His words make me smile. “You’re far from perfect, Tony, but you have a good heart.” Tony doesn’t reply. He merely continues to stare at Bucky and I wonder what kind of information Tony wants to share.

ooooooo

“Clint… Bird dude…” Tony sits down and fumbles with his glasses. 

“Bird dude!” Sam sneers and points a finger at Tony. “This flight boy still wants to kick your ass!”

“I had no idea they were going to lock you up. I hoped you’d get a trial first. I would have been able to tweak some things.”

“But it didn’t work out that way.” Hopefully Sam can keep his cool. Clint is way too quiet for my taste. “Are you’re okay with this?” 

“Still watching my back around this guy,” Clint replies in a rather tense way.

“I guess that means you haven’t forgiven me either. Come on, Clint. We kicked Loki’s ass! We took down Ultron!”

“After you created Ultron in the first place!” Clint points out. 

“Guys, we’re guests here. We should behave.” Hopefully T’challa won’t be offended. 

“Do not worry, Mister Rogers. I understand the emotions involved are hard to control. You thought you could trust each other. You assumed your friendship was solid and then Zemo tore that apart.” T’challa seats himself and food is served. “I do believe we are one person short.”

“Barnes isn’t joining us,” Sam says. “I tried to convince him to tag along, but he went onto the terrace instead.”

“Why the drama?” Tony sips from his wine.

“Drama? You wanna talk drama? You’re the drama queen here!” Sam gives Tony a hard look. “If it hadn’t been for you none of this would have happened!”

“Peace!” T’challa raises his hand and turns his palm upward in a peace offering. “We are here to help wounds heal, not to aggravate them.”

“It’s his fault,” Sam says, having to have the last word.

Throughout their exchange I watched Tony closely. He isn’t getting riled up; he looks remarkably guilty. “Sam, give him a break. We all messed up.” Sam crosses his arms in front of him and keeps glaring at Tony. There’s still a lot of bad blood there. These wounds need time to heal. 

“So why isn’t Barnes joining us?” Tony repeats his question and switches his wine for water, which is a good move. Alcohol and anger don’t mix well. 

“Because he doesn’t trust you. Neither do we!”

“Clint, that’s enough!” Maybe I underestimated their anger. “This stops now.”

“I’m a big boy, Cap. I can take care of myself.” Tony shifts on his chair. “So are you going to keep the guy locked away?”

“If anyone should be locked up then –“

“Clint! Damn it!” My patience is wearing thin. “We made mistakes and messed up. We need to move on!”

“Spoken very wisely,” T’challa quips in. “We should calm down.”

“So am I going to get a chance to talk to Barnes?”

“Why do you want that, Tony?” I want to give him that chance, but only once I know the reason why.

“I know I fucked up,” Tony suddenly says vehemently. “No need to rub it in, though I deserve it. But I have some information that might help Barnes deal with what happened.”

“What kind of information? You hinted at it earlier.“ I really want to know what that is. 

After putting down his glass, Tony removes one of his technical gadgets from his blazer and puts it onto the table. “You probably know that I acquired Hydra’s research material. I also found more material at Alexander’s Pierce properties. I had Friday analyze everything, and boy, they really did a number on your old war time buddy. Frankly, I’m stunned that he’s still functioning. They really put his mind through the blender, not just once, but several times. They iced him whenever he got too difficult to control. It seems his memories kept coming back. Their mind wiping program wasn’t hundred percent proof.”

Hearing this pains me. I know most of it already, but still, hearing it really brings it home. “I know that. At times, he barely hangs on. His memory has holes in it.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.” Tony swipes the surface of his pad and doesn’t look me in the eyes. “While studying those records, I realized he had become their puppet. I no longer blame Barnes for pulling the trigger. Hydra made him do it. I misjudged him. Damn, this isn’t easy!” The last bit comes out rather exasperated. “You were right. Zemo manipulated me. Maybe he saw my recent demonstration at MIT where I introduced BARF, my memory correcting software, yeah, the name sucks. Maybe that’s where he got his fucking inspiration.”

Tony is angry too. Thankfully that anger no longer seems aimed at Bucky. “What do you plan on doing with those records?”

“I asked myself that question too. Then Nat showed up and told me to shape up or I’d regret it. So I’m here to help, I guess.”

I owe Nat. I’ll give her a call later. Hopefully she’ll answer it. “Help how?”

“Help your buddy get his mind fixed to begin with. Then there’s this little thing about me severing his arm.” Tony cringes; it’s obvious that he isn’t proud of his actions. “Hydra had a lot of data on that arm and fixing it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Maybe you should tell Sergeant Barnes in person?” T’challa suggests. 

“I probably should, but I suck at confrontations.”

“You don’t.” Sam shrugs. “But you might want to go easy on each other. You’re still angry and Barnes feels guilty. You don’t want to get into another fight.”

“That’s not my intention.” Tony looks guilty. “I should have realized Zemo’s intentions, but all I could think about were my parents. Watching them die on screen was too much. I couldn’t take it. I never said that I do well under pressure.”

“You’re only human,” I console him. “But T’challa is right. You should talk to Bucky. But before we do that I want to know something; are you completely sure that you want to help Bucky? He’s trying to deal with what Hydra did to him and I doubt he would be able to cope if you reconsidered helping him down along the line.”

“I’m sure.” Tony sighs. “I want to clean up my mess.”

I nod in order to let him know that I believe him. “Bucky won’t know how to react when seeing you. He isn’t used to having people around. Take it easy. No badmouthing, understood? Behave.”

“Or that dark side of yours will make a comeback? You really care about that guy, don’t you?”

“A lot,” I confirm. “So behave.”

“I will.”

ooooooooooooo

I hear their footsteps long before I see them. I even smell Stark’s cologne. My instincts are wired and I’m on full alert. Every muscle in my body tenses up and it’s like my metal arm tightens in order to attack. The only problem is that my arm’s gone. How can the sensation then be so real? I keep my gaze trained on the waterfalls in an attempt to ground myself. I told Steve that I didn’t want to meet Stark, but apparently Steve feels a conversation is necessary. I’ll trust his judgment. I do hope we won’t end up wrecking the place. I might miss my arm, but that doesn’t mean I’m no longer capable of doing a lot of damage. 

“Bucky, I brought Tony along. The three of us should talk. Are you fine with that?” 

Steve comes to a halt in front of me and gives me an inquisitive look. I’m confident I can keep it together as long as Stark doesn’t fuck with me. “Yes.”

“Great!” 

Steve pulls a chair closer to where I’m sitting and gestures for Stark to sit down as well. I try to asses Stark’s mental state, but I find that hard. It’s been ages since I tried to read someone’s emotions. The Winter Soldier never needed that particular skill, so Hydra did its best to wipe it from my system. However, I’m inclined to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I wronged him. I killed his parents. It’s only right he gets a chance to vent. No way am I making the first move though, I wait instead.

Stark coughs in order to clean his throat and then makes eye contact. “This is awkward.”

I tend to agree. So why is he doing it? Just to remind me of the crimes I committed? Stark’s nervousness increases, judging by the way he’s fumbling his collar. 

“I snapped, all right? I lost it. I shouldn’t have done the things I did. So, now that I apologized, can we get down to business?”

Even though he phrased it in a weird way, I understand what he’s trying to say. I wonder why he feels the need to apologize though. 

“Are you still capable of speech?” Stark’s growing frustrated. 

What am I to say though? Words mean nothing. Apologies are worthless when you kill someone’s parents. “What do you want me to say?”

“Thank the Lord, it speaks!”

Steve shoots Stark an angry look. We really need to address that protective thing he’s got going on. Well, considering Stark apologized, I should do the same, I guess. “I’m sorry about what happened to your parents. I knew Howard from the war. We fought on the same side. I would never have hurt him if I had still been me. I can’t begin to apologize for what I did to your mother. I can’t believe I did that. I’d never hurt a woman.” I can only offer him honesty, but that doesn’t change what I did. “I don’t blame you for coming after me.” Stark’s expression changes and his eyes widen. Why is that?

“You’re crying, Bucky.” Steve uses his sleeve to wipe at my face. “We know you didn’t do it. It was Hydra. Tony…?”

Stark draws in a deep breath and nods. “What Cap said. It was Hydra. I didn’t realize it at the time. All I saw was you killing my parents. Zemo manipulated me. He wanted to tear up the group and he succeeded. I messed up.”

I really don’t understand what’s happening. I never expected Stark to take responsibility for his actions. “I can never make it up to you.”

“You don’t have to. It wasn’t you. Hydra shredded your mind and then they built their perfect assassin. But you started to remember things when the missions went on for too long, didn’t you?”

I don’t like where our conversation is headed, but he’s right. “Mostly it happened when the mission lasted longer than three days. I would get these flashes. I saw faces, but didn’t know any names. Whenever that happened, they either put me in cryo or into that machine.” I swallow hard. I screamed my lungs out whenever they put me through that procedure. I take being put in cryo over that hellish machine each day.

“You probably don’t want to hear this, but I found some footage of those experiments.”

He’s right. I don’t. “What did you do with it?” Only now do I notice that Steve claimed my hand again. He curled his fingers tightly around mine. Did Stark notice it too?

“I studied it. I…” Stark pauses as if in search of the right words. “I want to help – want to undo that damage if I can. I have some ideas on how to rid you of their conditioning. I briefly considered using BARF, but their programming reaches too deep. BARF might be a tool to help you deal with some trauma though.”

I have no idea what Stark’s talking about. I’m definitely not going to ask what this BARF thing is. “I’d appreciate the help.”

Tony nods. “That’s decided then! Good talk!” 

The guy really makes little sense, but if he’s willing to help I’ll deal with his odd manner. I expect Stark to get to his feet and leave, but he remains where he is and his body posture tells me there’s more coming.

“I want to help with your arm too. I severed it, so…” Tony cringes and appears deeply troubled. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“Apology accepted.” I can do this for him. If Stark wants absolution I’ll give it to him. I don’t blame him for what happened. He was well within his rights to get some payback. He could have done a lot worse -- and he would have, if it hadn’t been for Steve.

“No, you don’t let people get off that easy!” Tone shakes his head and gets to his feet. He paces and gestures wildly. “You make them work for it! Only then, you forgive them!”

Puzzled, I look to Steve for some advice. “I don’t get him,” I whisper, hoping Stark can’t hear it.

“As I said earlier, he’s complicated.” Steve smiles reassuringly and doesn’t seem worried.

“You make them work for it! Let them make things up to you! You should take some lessons from Clint! He’s ready to rip me a new one for the way I behaved.”

“Tony, you promised to behave,” Steve reminds him. 

“Yeah, I did, but my short-time memory is not what it used to be.” Tony comes to a stop, turns, and looks at me. “We’ll fix your mind first; we get rid of Zola and Hydra. Then we’ll work on the arm.”

I do hope he’s sincere and it’s not a trick. I can’t help being suspicious. The only person I trust is Steve, and he assured me that Stark is for real. I have to put my trust in both of them, no matter how hard that is.

oooooooooo

After Tony left, T’challa shows up, carrying three beer bottles. He puts one in front of me, and a quick check tells me it’s alcohol-free. He sits down, sips from his beer, and studies me. I don’t like being scrutinized like that.

“I trust your conversation went well? Stark requested access to my lab and permission to fly in some equipment. I went along with his requests.”

“That’s great,” Steve remarks and smiles pleased. “Tony wants to help. It’s about time we dealt Hydra this final blow.”

“Hydra will survive,” I caution him. “They’re masters at deception and infiltration. They still have their agents in governments, the police force and army. It’s an illusion to think you can destroy that organization.”

“You’re probably right.” Steve concedes, “But I can hope, can’t I?”

“Sometimes hope is all we have left,” T’challa says and continues to drink his beer. “I took the liberty of assigning you new quarters. It’s no longer necessary for you to remain in our medical ward. I trust that you will find your new lodgings to satisfaction.” 

T’challa sounds awfully smug and I wonder what he’s up to. “I’m fine with my old room.”

“I am sure you are, but it is time to move on. Your new quarters are large enough to accommodate two. I assume you wish to stay with Sergeant Barnes?” T’challa asks Steve.

“Of course! I like the idea of moving in together,” Steve quips and gives me a wink.

“I AM grateful for everything you’re doing for me,” I tell T’challa as I need to get this off my chest. “I didn’t expect the help. I never expected anyone to offer me a home.” Even if I can’t stay for good, maybe T’challa will allow me to come back from time to time. “This feels like home.”

“You are always welcome here.” T’challa sounds remarkably serious. “Do you want me to walk you to your new rooms?”

“That might be best. We might end up lost instead.” Steve slowly gets to his feet, stretches a bit, and then offers me his hand. 

I accept and he slowly pulls me to my feet. I place the empty bottle aside and follow T’challa back inside. 

“Stark is staying as well, but I situated him near the lab. He seemed happy with that arrangement.”

“Knowing Tony the way I do, he won’t leave that lab for the next few days. He can become rather obsessed about his research.”

Steve sounds like he’s speaking out of personal experience. Should I be worried now that I’m Stark’s research subject? I’m rather relieved that I’m gaining more stability. Although my body still wants to topple over in order to compensate for the loss of my arm, I’m getting better at controlling it. Steve hovers close, and every now and then T’challa checks on me, but I can walk on my own. I hope my new rooms aren’t that far away. I still don’t think it’s necessary to assign me new quarters. 

“Here we are.” T’challa removes a key card from a pocket and swipes it along the magnet. “I assumed you wanted privacy…” He hands Steve a key card and then me. “Clint and Sam told me they walked in on you lovebirds.”

“It was nothing like that!” I can’t help but feel protective of Steve. He doesn’t deserve any pestering.

“Hey, it’s the truth.” Steve wraps an arm around me and pulls me close. “Who knows what might have happened if they hadn’t disturbed us.”

I look at him in surprise. Is he really going to flaunt this in front of T’challa? The Black Panther merely seems bemused though, judging by his smile. 

“Love is a marvelous thing. It keeps us alive. You should rejoice.”

Belatedly I realize he aimed that remark at me. Maybe he saw my confusion? 

“I wish you restful dreams,” T’challa says before turning around. “May the gods of old watch over you.”

I wait until T’challa is out of hearing range and whisper. “He’s odd.”

“But likable,” Steve replies as he steps into the room, pulling me along. “This looks amazing! Like a five star hotel suit!”

I don’t know what such a suit looks like, but it seems rather over the top – to me. It’s luxuriously furnished and has a view of the waterfalls. T’challa must have noticed my preoccupation with them. 

“Check out the bed!” Steve lies down and presses into the mattress. “Very comfortable!”

I was happy to have a worn mattress at my apartment. It wasn’t much, but it was mine. I don’t know how to react to these surroundings. T’challa shouldn’t have done this – it isn’t necessary. 

“Come on!” Steve gestures for me to move further into the bedroom. 

Looking about, I also locate a rather large living room, a kitchenette, and a bathroom. This is the greatest luxury I’ve ever known. The problem is that I don’t feel like I deserve it. This is too much.

“What’s wrong?” 

Steve suddenly wraps his arms around me from behind and pulls me close to his chest. “It’s too much. I don’t deserve this.”

“But you do. Life should make things up to you.”

I know I won’t be able to make him understand. He still believes I’m innocent, a victim, and Hydra the villain. “But I killed those people, Steve. MY finger pulled the trigger.” Steve draws in a deep breath and I feel guilty for upsetting him. That wasn’t my intention. 

“I said it before and I’ll say it again. Hydra pulled that trigger. Not you. You went to war because you wanted to fight the bad guys. Bucky, you stuck up for me when no one else would. You never harmed an innocent soul in your life. It was Hydra.”

If only I could believe it. I’m about to protest when there’s a knock on the door. Looking at Steve from over my shoulder, I see an equally surprised expression on his face. 

“Stay, I’ll get that.” Steve releases me and walks over to the door. He opens it – slowly – and then steps aside to let someone enter. That someone is Stark. “We didn’t expect you – again,” Steve points out.

I immediately focus on the gadget in his hands. I have no idea what it is. 

“Just dropping something off.” Stark shifts his gaze to me. “I bet you have monster nightmares.”

Does he have to phrase it like that? “Maybe.”

“Cut the crap. I’m talking about the mother of all nightmares. Want to get rid of them?”

I have trouble following Stark. Just what is he saying?

“Yes, that would be great,” Steve replies instead, looking equally lost.

“Thought so. Good thing I’m a genius and can fix this. Just press the play button when you go to sleep. Play-button, you got that?”

Stark’s really testing my nerves. His attitude confuses me.

“We’ll manage.” Steve takes hold of the device and studies it. “What is it?”

“In plain English?” Stark quips and arches an eyebrow. “It plays a recording I made. It soothes certain types of brain waves. It’ll help Barnes sleep.”

“We’ll give it a try.” Steve starts to guide Stark back toward the doorway, for which I’m grateful. Stark’s antics are giving me a headache. I’m relieved when Steve finally closes the door behind him. Steve walks over to the bed, puts the device on the night stand, and then walks up to me. “Let’s get ready for bed.”

The way he says it makes it sound mundane, but to me it is extraordinary. It sounds normal, and it is something people do each night, but to me it’s still new. I follow him into the bathroom and follow his lead as I’m unsure what a normal routine is. I brush my teeth, wash my face, and shyly avert my gaze as he slips into a clean shirt and sweatpants. I reach for the clothes on the dresser and smile at seeing they’re black. “I hate white.” I don’t even notice saying the words aloud and quickly change my clothes. Turning about, I find Steve watching me. He runs his fingers through my hair as if combing it. 

“Do you want me to help you shave in the morning? The rugged look suits you, but maybe you might want to shave instead? Just tell me what you want.”

I’m not sure about that. I trust Steve, that’s not the problem, but letting anyone get that close to my throat is challenging. “Maybe.”

“Fine with me, come on.” 

Steve grabs my arm and walks me over to the bed. He pushes back the covers and lies down, pulling me along with him. But he does it gently, always keeping my wounded shoulder in mind.

“Does it still hurt?” Steve asks as he wraps himself around me. He guides my head against his shoulder and I comply, trying to make myself as comfortable as I possibly can.

“Not really. I wouldn’t call it pain. It’s more like a nagging sensation, like something is missing.”

“Bucky, something IS missing.” 

He’s right, but… “It’s metal. How can I possibly physically miss a metal arm?”

“You have to ask Tony that, as he’s the expert. I can only guess, but maybe your brain and arm were connected? Missing it and experience phantom pain would be plausible in such a case.”

“I don’t want to talk to Stark.”

“That’s fine with me.”

He kisses the top of my head and I close my eyes, trying to steal myself against these feelings. Every time Steve does something like that, I feel like falling apart. 

“Let’s try Tony’s new gimmick, yes?”

The fact that he’s asking me whether or not I’m okay with it makes me remember many decades of people just telling me what to do. Once Zola got his hands on me, my choices were taken away from me. “Let’s try.” Stark was right about one thing; ever since I managed to break free from Hydra I’ve been having nightmares. Steve’s presence comforts me and the nightmares have weakened, but I still experience at least one of them each night. Steve reaches for the device and pushes the play button. 

“The idiot…” Steve whispers upon seeing that Stark wrote ‘Play’ in extra large letters and smaller, ‘Press here’. It makes him smile. “Tony’s such a dork.”

I wonder what the recording will be like and I’m surprised to hear rain. It’s raining and the droplets hit the surface of some water. In the back are bird sounds. I lift my head and search Steve’s face. 

“Can you sleep while that’s playing?” Steve wants to know. “I’ll switch it off if it annoys you.”

“I find it soothing.” I really do. It reminds me of sitting outside on the terrace, watching the waterfall and listening to the jungle. “It’s nice.” It’s also making me sleepy and I can’t suppress a yawn. 

“Seems to work like a charm,” Steve whispers as he presses another kiss onto my hair. “Night, Bucky. I’ll watch over you.”

I know he will. Am I really this tired? I close my eyes, my body starts to relax, and I slowly drift off into sleep. 

oooooooooooooo

I wake up early in the morning, but I’m unable to go back to sleep. So I watch Bucky sleep instead. The recording is still playing and even I find it soothing. Bucky slept peacefully through the night, which is a first. No nightmares, no twitching, no whimpering or breaking out in a cold sweat. Tony’s invention works and for that I’m grateful. Bucky deserves some rest. 

I love watching him. For so long I thought he was lost to me. When I got out of the ice, I thought only Peggy had made it out alive. Realizing Hydra got their hands on Bucky a second time, and that they had altered his body and mind, still fills me with guilt. I should have gone back to retrieve his body. I’ll never forgive myself for forsaking that duty. I run my fingers through his hair; I love touching him. It helps to remind me that Bucky’s alive and recovering. This time I’m keeping him. 

Bucky shifts in my arms and opens his eyes. They’re still heavy with sleep and a lazy expression appears on his face. I love seeing it. “Morning, sleepy. How are you?” I lean in closer and claim his lips. I keep the kiss chaste for now, having long realized that I need to take this slow. I pull back to give him some space. “Everything fine?” Bucky nods slowly. He looks rather dazed and I guess I’m responsible for that. He probably still needs to get used to waking up like that. 

“I feel… rested,” he says and his surprise shows in the tone of his voice and in the way he looks at me. “I didn’t have any nightmares.”

“You slept soundly. At least, I don’t remember you being restless.” Bucky apparently needs a moment to process that. “Maybe Tony’s on to something?” 

“I’m afraid to hope so,” Bucky admits. “He has every reason to hate me. What if he remembers that and turns on me?”

The paranoia is to be expected and I deal with it. “He won’t. He wouldn’t survive the ass whooping he would be dealt. The whole team would be lining up.” I briefly consider my next move and plunge ahead. “Clint hasn’t forgiven Tony for what he did. If Tony wants Clint’s friendship back, he’ll have to earn it. That’s not why he’s helping you though. Like me, Tony can’t stand injustice. It literally drives him insane. That’s why he’s doing it. Not merely because he treated you the way he did, but also because he hates Hydra. Do you remember Howard Stark? Not just the name, but also the person?” Bucky pushes himself upright and leans back against the headboard. A pensive expression colors his eyes. 

“Honestly? Only vaguely. I don’t recall his face. I remember that he was a nice guy though. And you thought he was making out with Peggy. Fondueing…” 

I love hearing him chuckle. “Of course you’d remember that. In all fairness, I was rather green behind the ears.”

“You still are,” Bucky says and the gentle quality to his voice takes me aback. “I still have a hard time believing you’re a virgin.”

“Well, that’s the way it is. Maybe I was waiting for the right person.”

“I always thought that was Peggy.”

“We were wrong.” I really was wrong. It took all this, losing Bucky twice and finding him again, to make me realize that. “I do hope that one day you’ll render that condition.” Damn, I made him blush. And not just a little. I’m not going to feel bad about that though. 

“I’m not sure I’m the right person for that.”

“Yes, you are. I know that for a fact.” Bucky’s reaction also tells me to back down and change the subject. “Want to try the gym today? No heavy lifting, just some reps.”

“I don’t know.”

Ah, I easily catch on. “You can spend the rest of the day on that terrace if you want to. But it would be nice if you would join us.”

“Us?”

“Sam, Clint, and me. They do want to get to know you better. Sam always asks how you’re doing. You’ve grown on the guy. Give them a chance!” I hope he does. I want them to become friends. Bucky needs friends. 

“If it means that much to you, I will.”

Bucky doesn’t want to do this, but he’s doing it because of me, I can live with that. Bucky merely needs time to adjust to a new situation and Sam and Clint will grow on him. He just needs to get to know them. 

oooooooo

Sam is all smiles upon seeing Bucky tag along. Bucky’s dragging his feet a bit, but I don’t care. The fact that he lacks experience in interaction can be rendered in time. “Guys,” I greet them. Bucky heads toward the wall and sits down. He’s busy taking it all in. 

“Steve, you brought someone along. Nice to see you here, man.” Sam smiles, hoping to break the ice, but Bucky shows no response. “Tough crowd tonight,” he jokes.

Clint’s also studying Bucky, but he’s doing so quietly and opts for ignoring his visitor for the moment. Maybe that’s the best tactic. I have the feeling that Bucky might relax when he’s not the center of attention. “So what are we doing today?”

“Leg press and squats,” Sam tells me. “Let’s work on the legs.”

Bucky might be able to do some leg press, but I will bring it up later. It’s best to give him some time to get used to them. I join Sam and Clint in their work out, but keep one eye on Bucky at all times. He looks content watching us. I’m about to ask him to do some leg press reps with me when Tony barges in. He looks better today; rested, and his cuts and bruises are healing fast. Maybe I should feel guilty about doing that much damage, but he had to be stopped, otherwise Tony would have killed Bucky and that’s not an option. A quick look directed at Bucky tells me he’s back on full alert. When you look close enough you can actually see the transformation. 

“Guys,” Tony greets them. “So outdated, physical exercise. So sweaty and exhausting.”

“Well, not everyone wears an iron suit,” Clint says. He still sounds annoyed with Tony. 

“You’re just jealous,” Tony counters. 

I’m surprised Tony isn’t sticking his tongue out to mock Clint. “What’s the matter?” I walk over to Tony and effectively position myself between Stark and Bucky. 

“Can I borrow your boyfriend for a bit? I need to run some tests.”

I chuckle. My boyfriend. Does Tony know that he actually nailed it in one? “As long as I can tag along, you can borrow him.” Behind me, I hear some odd sounds and I turn around to check on it. It’s actually Sam and Clint making kissing noises. I glare at them. This is neither the time nor place.

“Did I miss something?” Tony actually sounds more curious than annoyed.

“Nope,” Same replies and pretends to hug and kiss Clint. “Just make sure you don’t separate the lovebirds for too long!” 

Tony arches an eyebrow and seems truly surprised. “Are you telling me that…?” 

Sam nods repeatedly. “We walked in on them making out.”

“You didn’t!” This calls for immediate damage control! “I was just holding him!”

“Yeah, but the way you were holding him….” Sam leaves his sentence unfinished and wiggles an eyebrow. “You can admit it. We don’t mind. Clint and I think the two of you are cute!”

“Cute?” Feeling wary, I turn and face Tony again. There is no way around this. I had better come clean. “It’s true though. We’re together.” A soft gasp escapes Bucky and I quickly look at him. He looks stunned, but thankfully not angry. 

“Well, that explains it. I was messing with your boyfriend.” Tony sounds rather accepting, which surprises me. “I did think your reaction was a bit over the top, Cap. But when you love the guy… I never guessed it.”

I’m relieved that they seem accepting of this relationship. I wasn’t sure what their reaction would be like, but I had hoped for the best. Thankfully they don’t disappoint me. 

“Which brings me back to my original question, and damn, I might be psychic!” Tony seems mighty pleased with himself. “I guess borrowing him is out of the question?”

“You could ask him instead,” I hint. This needs to be Bucky’s decision, not mine. Tony seems to pick up on that and turns toward Bucky. 

“Are you up for some brainwave tests? I also need to have a look at that shoulder of yours. It’s pain free, I guarantee it. I just have some questions left.”

Bucky seems unresolved and then looks at me. I can’t answer this question for him though. “It’s completely up to you. I’ll be there too.”

In the end, Bucky nods. “Maybe I should.” He gets to his feet and steadies himself by briefly leaning against the wall. “I can manage.”

I know he can, but he shouldn’t have to – not on his own. I walk up to him and take his hand in mine. Briefly, he looks at me in a panic, but I merely hold his gaze and gently squeeze his hand. He relaxes after a long moment, my reassurances worked. “We’ll do this together.” I do hope Sam and Clint won’t start making kissing sounds again. Bucky’s in no way ready to deal with that. Thankfully, the two of them remain quiet. Bucky nods and returns the squeeze. I pull him along and we follow Tony out of the gym.

ooooooooooooo

I really don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be a lab rat again. I’ve been someone’s experiment for too long. I just want some peace and quiet. Why is sitting on that terrace and watching nature too much to ask for? 

Upon stepping into Stark’s improved lab, I encounter Akachi, who’s studying some readings. I feel marginally better at having him here. He’s a physician and helped me before. Maybe he’ll watch out for me again. 

“Please sit,” Akachi says and gestures at the medical bed. 

I sit down; happy they didn’t tell me to lie down instead. These surroundings make me feel vulnerable and they remind me of the horrors I lived through. Steve unexpectedly sits down next to me and refuses to let go of my hand. 

“Your friendly neighborhood doctor told me that you’re experiencing phantom pain. It feels like your arm is still there and it hurts?” 

“Not exactly.” Stark’s question surprises me. “Or maybe it does. I don’t know. I know the arm’s gone and it’s not exactly painful either. More like a burn and it still feels like I can flex my fingers.” I told him a lot more than I wanted to, but it feels good to get it off my chest. I didn’t know it would. 

“What we need to figure out is how they connected your arm with your brain.” Stark shows me some electrodes; at least that’s what they look like. “I want to attach them to you brow and temple, can I?”

Stark strikes me as awfully cautious. I didn’t expect him to ask for my permission. “Yes, you can.” That’s what we’re here for, to get more data about me, isn’t it? I dislike the sensation of Stark attaching them to my face. It feels much too familiar and I shiver violently. 

“You’re safe,” Steve whispers into my ear. “You’re not alone. We’re trying to help.”

I know that, but it’s hard to distinguish past from present. I feel catapulted back to my former hell.

“Now, this might be hard on you.” Stark pulls up a chair and sits down in front of me. “I need to look at that arm, or what’s left of it.” 

Does he really know that this is hard on me or is he merely a good actor? Steve said that Stark is a good guy once you get to know him, but maybe he’s prejudiced?

“Like Cap said, it’s up to you. We don’t have to do this now.”

He’s actually giving me a choice and I appreciate it. Although doing this scares me, I know I shouldn’t put this off. Postponing will only make it harder. I don’t trust my voice, so I settle for a nod. Steve moves closer and pulls my hand onto his lap, giving me the moral support I need. 

Stark gets to his feet and removes the protective cap covering my shoulder. Akachi moves closer too, assisting when necessary. 

“Wow, that’s…” Stark tilts his head to get a better look. “Do you remember who did this to you?” 

I don’t like the tone of his voice. He sounds like he pities me, but I don’t want his sympathy. 

“Was it Zola?” Stark seems really curious 

“I don’t think so,” Steve says, answering for me. “We captured Zola shortly after we lost Bucky.”

“I don’t remember much,” I whisper, uncertain how to proceed. “I heard voices and there was so much pain. The only thing I remember is seeing the Red Skull. I know he was there.”

“Ah, dad hated that guy.” Stark carefully probes the wound. “Does this hurt?”

“Not exactly.” It’s a weird sensation though now that he’s touching the wound. Why do I even think of it as a wound? It’s not my flesh. It’s metal and wiring, nothing more. “I can’t describe it…”

“All right,” Stark concedes. “Let’s see what those readings say.” 

While he’s checking the readings I study my surroundings. The place looks friendly enough, but I don’t trust easily. It also reminds me of the camp in Siberia.

“This is fascinating!” 

Stark’s remark forces me to focus again. My thoughts were drifting away.

“What is?” Steve raises our hands, presses a kiss on mine, releases it, and walks over to where Stark is standing. I’m staying where I am. I don’t need to know what fascinates Stark.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. I don’t know how Hydra did it, or the Soviets, as we can’t be sure who’s responsible for this, but it’s amazing. They actually found a way to hotwire his brain. That metal arm IS his arm as far as he’s concerned.” A pained expression moves across his face and he turns around. “Sorry,” Stark repeats his earlier apology. “That must have hurt like hell.”

I want to shrug it off, but I don’t. I don’t want to encourage the burning sensation in my shoulder. 

“What’s this?” Steve points at a different screen which shows another pattern. 

“That’s actually what I was after in the first place. I’m trying to dissect his brain waves. That way I can figure out how they wiped his memory and conditioned him. Actually, it looks promising. I think I can override that.”

No bad jokes, no wise-cracks. Stark’s awfully calm and behaving himself. I didn’t know he was capable of such behavior. “Can I go now?” I really want out of here, as I feel trapped. I’m not claustrophobic, at least I don’t think so, but I get nervous when I’m cooped up somewhere.

“In a moment, just a few more minutes. I need a little more data. Just sit tight. You don’t need to do anything.”

While Stark busies himself with his research I let my mind drift back to that majestic view from the terrace. It’s quickly becoming my safe place. 

“That’s it!” Stark sounds triumphant. “Tell me,” he says, addressing me again. He spins around on his chair, looking excited. “Did that recording of mine work? Did it help you sleep?”

“It did. “ I can’t deny that. It’s the truth.

“He slept through the night. No nightmares, nothing. He felt rested this morning, which is a first,” Steve elaborates, smiling brightly. “Your contraption worked, Tony.”

“That confirms one of my theories. I’ll create a new and better recording and I want you to listen to it throughout the night. You can do so too, Steve, no harm done. But I want you, Barnes, to do something else too.” He reaches for some sort of glasses and puts them in my lap. “Put them on for one hour in the morning and one in the evening. They’re like sunglasses. They will darken your surroundings. If you can, try to mediate, or at least rest. If something weird happens, don’t fight it. Just let it happen. You’re safe.”

“What kind of weird?” I need to know what I’m getting myself into.

“Maybe you’ll hear stuff or see images. It will pass. Your brain works a certain way and we want that to change. It’ll help.” 

Stark sounds sincere, but I don’t trust him – not completely. I still expect him to stab me in the back. But seeing the hopeful look on Steve’s face, I realize I’ll follow Stark’s instructions. I’ll do this for Steve. “Fine.” 

“Great! Now let me work. I’m sure the two of you can think of something dirty to do.”

Stark returns to his research and Steve takes hold of those glasses. I put my feet back on the ground and follow him into the corridor. I don’t know what to make of Stark, but I’ll probably give him the benefit of the doubt.

oooooooo

I decide to take Bucky back to our rooms. He looks upset and trembles. Although he no longer needs the support, he holds on to me. For the first time, Bucky has wrapped his arm around me, instead of the other way around. I want to ask how he’s doing, but I’m not sure he’s able to talk about it yet. Something about that meeting with Tony distressed him. 

I guide him into the living room and briefly wonder about the smells that linger here. Only then do I see the food on the table. Apparently T’challa’s being the perfect host again. “I smell coffee.” I need coffee… I really do. 

I move Bucky over to a kitchen chair and he quietly sits down. He’s shutting down and that can’t be good. I’ll just have to make him talk. “Want some coffee too?” Bucky nods and I pour him some. I put bacon, eggs, and some toast on his plate and move it toward him. “You need to eat.” I get started on a late breakfast too. “Want to tell me what’s going on? You’re awfully quiet.” I put the glasses on the table; hopefully Bucky will wear them. Saying so and actually doing it are two different things. 

Bucky doesn’t speak at once. Using his fork, he moves the food around on his plate before finally taking a bite. I suspect he’s stalling. “Talking about it might help,” I offer. Bucky puts down the fork and gives me a troubled look.

“What if Stark can’t remove Hydra’s programming?” He looks at the glasses with some suspicion. “And how’s that thing going to help?”

“Tony knows what he’s doing. Most of the time, that is.” I recall Tony creating Ultron. He meant well, but it backfired like hell. Although, the event created Vision, which is a good thing again. Vision is definitely an asset to the team. “It’s meant to help with Hydra’s programming, that’s what Tony said. We need to be patient.” And after the conditioning is gone, Bucky will need to get his confidence back. 

“I’ve lived over seventy years like this. I’m not sure I can get used to living in another way. It’s always been about surviving.”

I move my chair closer to his and cover his hand with mine. “That time is over and we’ll do this step by step. You ARE feeling better, aren’t you?” The only answer I get is a demure nod. “You’re safe here. Hydra can’t get to you. Mentally, you’re doing much better. You’re able to talk about what happened to you and you are amongst friends. T’challa, Sam, Clint, and even Tony have your back. Isn’t your life better than it was before and still improving?” Bucky nods again and his hand trembles beneath mine. “Things will continue like that. We’ll deal with Hydra’s legacy, restore your arm and then you’ll decide what you want to do. You can stay here for the rest of your life; you know that, don’t you? T’challa wouldn’t offer you a home casually. He means it. And if you want to travel and see the world, we will. If you want to kick someone’s ass, we’ll do that too. That’s up to you.”

Bucky finally raises his head and makes eye contact. His eyes shimmer with unshed tears and seeing that makes me lean in closer and kiss him. Bucky closes his eyes and seems to savor the attention. I want to continue kissing him, but hold back. “Eat some more and then we’ll head for your favorite place.” Bucky perks up at hearing that. I release his hand and he reluctantly starts eating again. I follow his example. I need to remember that I can bribe him with his favorite view in the future.

oooooooooo

“I should probably give them a try.” I look at the glasses and realize I don’t want to put them on. But I also know Steve wants me to overcome my fears. If only I could trust Stark! He seems sincere, but I don’t trust people – Steve being the sole exception.

“Give them a try. It’s only for one hour.” 

Steve looks encouragingly at me and so I put them on, because he wants me to. It’s like Stark said, they appear to be sunglasses. They darken my view somewhat, but I can still see the waterfalls. 

“And, did anything happening? I think it switched itself on. A green light is flashing.”

“Nothing special so far.” If that’s it, I can easily deal with it. “Can you watch the time?” I want to get rid of them the moment I can. Like always when I’m out here, I experience an incredibly peace. Stark told me to meditate, and normally, I wouldn’t be able to do that, not with the turmoil my mind is in, but the view lulls me into relaxation. Steve’s quiet, and since there’s little noise around me, I begin to doze off. I fight it though as I want to enjoy the view, but slowly, my eyes close and I fall asleep.

oooooooooooo

“How are things?” 

I’m surprised to see Tony here. “How did you know where to find us?”

“T’challa told me.” Tony sits down and studies Bucky. “When did that happen?” he says and points at the sleeping man.

“A few seconds after he put your glasses on. Is that supposed to happen?”

“I don’t know,” Tony says and surprises me with his honesty. “I never did this before. I’m using those glasses in a way I never considered before.”

“What do they do?” 

“I’m assuming you want it in plain English?”

“You assume correctly.” I also wonder why Bucky isn’t awake yet. He’s a light sleeper and the sound of our voices should have long woken him. 

“Well, Hydra rewired his brain. Their programming is firmly anchored there. I could plug him back into that machine and overwrite it, but I doubt your friend would survive that. He would end up in a vegetative state.”

Hearing that doesn’t reassure me. “Did you consider pulling in Wanda?”

“Actually I did. She would love to help, but she’s inexperienced. She can’t control her powers to that extent. I’m afraid she might up doing more damage than good.”

That makes sense. “So we’re back to those glasses.”

“Exactly. I’ll try to explain it in a way even you can understand,” he says with an evil grin. 

I merely cock my head at him. I know what he’s like. A diva and a show off, but he always has the best of intentions. “Tony, just tell me.”

“The glasses do what Hydra’s machine did, but in a much gentler way. It actually accesses his brainwaves and will hopefully reroute his brain patterns. Once that process is complete, I can override Hydra’s evil scheme.”

“What if it doesn’t work?” At least now I know why Bucky isn’t waking up. Those glasses are influencing his brain waves.

“Then I would consider pulling in Wanda. Our last option is using Hydra’s machine in order to rewrite the programming, but as I said before, I suspect the trauma might kill him or sent him into a coma.”

I’m relieved that Tony sees the machine as our last option. He’s putting Bucky’s best interests’ first and that tells me he has come to terms with the way his parents died. The pain of losing them in such a way will always stay with him, but Tony’s strong. He’ll deal with it in his unique way. Bucky suddenly stirs and moves restlessly. His hand twitches and I quickly claim it. “Tony, what’s happening?”

“I rather hoped this would happen,” Tony replies.

That comment briefly infuriates me; it does worry me that I can’t think straight whenever Bucky is in danger. “What’s happening, damn it?”

“Language, Cap.”

That joke’s getting old and I’m about to tell Tony so when Bucky doubles over in pain. “Talk to me, Tony!”

“Don’t,” he says and keeps me from waking up Bucky. “This is going better than expected.”

“He’s in pain!”

“I know that, but it won’t last long and he won’t remember it when he wakes up. Hydra is fighting my code. The bitch is gonna lose though.” Tony studies Bucky closely, as if waiting for something.

The next moment, Bucky settles down and goes limp. He’s asleep again. “What the hell was that?”

“Cap, really, you should watch your language. It’s unbecoming.”

“I don’t care. What happened just now?”

“Hydra lost the battle like I said it would. We need to be patient now. Mental recovery might take a week or a month, and he needs to keep wearing those glasses on a daily basis, but he’ll get there. That’s what you want, don’t you?”

“I do, and so does Bucky. I can’t imagine the hell he’s been through. Hydra put him in cryo and only got him out whenever they needed the Winter Soldier. Bucky’s been a prisoner of war for over seventy years, Tony.”

“That sucks,” Tony comments and looks at me. “But if you want to help him, you need to stop thinking like that. You can’t live in the past. The present is all you got.”

“Does that work for you?” Is that how Tony handles all the blows he was dealt in his life?

“Sometimes I forget,” Tony admits, “like that day in Siberia. Zemo played right into my guilt and I took the bait. But yes, it works.”

“I appreciate you being this open and honest about it. I wasn’t sure you’d get along with Bucky, considering your past.”

“As far as I’m concerned we don’t have a past. I’ve only known him for a day. The real James Buchanan Barnes, that is.” 

“I’m not sure that guy’s still around,” I confess. “Bucky has changed in many ways, but in one aspect he’s still the same.” Tony speaks before I get the chance to finish.

“Let me guess, he’d die for you? The two of you seem to excel in self-sacrifice.”

I can’t deny that. “That’s what friendship is about.” I’m stunned to see Tony shake his head. 

“That’s what love’s about. There’s a difference. I would do a lot for my friends, but for Pepper… I would lay down my life.”

“I hope the two of you work things out.” I really mean it. I like her and she’s good for Tony. She can actually hold him in check.

“I hope so too.” Tony looks increasingly emotional and he realizes it, so he quickly puts up a facade. “Your buddy’s waking up. Session’s over.” Tony gets to his feet and gently removes the glasses. 

Bucky looks awfully pale and he’s covered in a cold sweat. Even though Tony insists that this is in Bucky’s best interest, I hate seeing him like this. I wait for him to wake up and open his eyes, as I don’t want to startle or rush him.  
Bucky slowly regains consciousness and the expression in his eyes tells me that this took a huge toll on him. But it’s much better than him having to live through the trauma of being subjected to Hydra’s machinery again. “You must have been more tired than you thought.”

“Did I fall asleep?” Bucky frowns. Confusion colors his gaze “I feel odd.”

“In what way?” 

Bucky suddenly realizes Tony’s here. He didn’t until now, which tells me just how disoriented he is. “Tony’s a friend, remember?” Still frowning, Bucky nods and then seems to recall Tony’s question. 

“Like I had a nightmare, but I can’t remember.”

Tony sits down again and nods. “That happens when you’re tired. Don’t worry about it. I want you to put those glasses on again after dinner. And when you go to sleep, play the recording. I already updated the one you used last night.”

Bucky remains suspicious though, which means I need to do some damage control later.

ooooooooooooo

“What happened while I was asleep?” I tear my eyes away from the breath-taking view in front of me and focus on Steve. He’s hiding something and he looks unhappy about it. In a way it’s reassuring that after all those decades apart I still know him so well.

“Well, Tony never said I couldn’t tell you.” Steve shifts on his chair, another sign he doesn’t feel comfortable. “Do you remember Hydra’s machine, the one that wiped your memory?”

I tense up at hearing that question. That machine equals hell to me. “Of course, I do. What do you think?” That came out more aggressive than I intended, but talking about it triggers painful memories.

“Tony studied it and altered those glasses accordingly. They do what that machine does, but in a gentler way.”

I burst out in a cold sweat. “What? And you didn’t tell me?” What the hell are they doing to me?

“Bucky,” Steve leans in closer and looks me in the eye. “We’re undoing Hydra’s conditioning. That’s why you felt like you had a nightmare. Hydra’s legacy was fighting back, and according to Tony, we kicked its butt. In a couple of weeks your brain will be back to functioning normally. So when someone says those words, you won’t turn into the Winter Soldier. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I just wish you had told me earlier.” I can’t relax though. After learning that I feel on edge. Do they really know what they’re doing? “What if you’re making it worse?”

“I have faith in Tony, I really do.”

And I have to trust Stark because of that? “Steve, this is madness.”

“It’s madness to let Hydra have their way with you. We need to fight this, and if you’re unable to, I will. Hydra won’t win. Hydra can’t have you. You’re mine. You’ve always been mine. We belong side by side.”

I didn’t expect that passionate declaration and it takes me aback. “I’ll go along with it, but…I’m not sure I can still relax once I put them back on.” 

“That’s fine with me.” 

Steve suddenly exchanges his chair for my lap and I fight the urge to blush. Why does he do such things? I don’t know how to react. Steve takes my hand and guides it around his waist, showing me he wants me to hold him and I follow his lead. I feel terribly lacking. Compared to Steve I do have some experience in bed, but I feel like I’m the virgin here. 

“I’m going to kiss you,” he announces with an evil grin. “Yes?”

“Yes.” I feel mesmerized upon seeing him lean in closer. Then his lips press against mine; I love kissing him. When the tip of his tongue nudges against my teeth, I part them and savor the deepening of our kiss. Involuntarily my eyes close and my senses focus on the sensations Steve’s wakening in me; the feel of him against me; the wet sensation of his tongue exploring my mouth; the sound he makes while kissing me… Time comes to a standstill and suddenly…

“Oh, you like that,” Steve whispers teasingly.

The blush I was fighting makes a big comeback. “I can’t help it.” I can’t help growing hard with the way he’s rubbing against me. In a way I’m surprised I can still get hard; that my body’s still able to react to the sensual stimulation. After all I’ve been through my body still functions. 

“Don’t fight it.” Steve smiles and presses several kisses onto my throat. 

My predicament is getting worse with him moving his lips lower. “Steve, you should stop.” 

“I don’t want to,” Steve objects. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long and I’m not stopping. I know you want this too. It’s just been too long…” 

So he knows what it’s like for me. In a way this is all wrong. He’s the virgin and I should be the one… Suddenly Steve’s hand dips beneath the waistband of my sweat pants and that sensation renders me unable to think clearly. Just what the fuck is he…? Oh, those fingers wrap around my cock and start to stroke. No way I can keep this up for long. Steve leans in even closer, kisses the skin beneath my right ear, and starts humming. The sound undoes me and my body relaxes in release. 

Steve’s lips returns to mine and he kisses me again. My body trembles and I cling to him. I can’t believe he did that – out in the open where everyone can see us or walk in on us. I need a moment to gather my senses and the necessary courage to make eye contact. He looks fucking smug, proud even of what he did. “Steve…” I feel guilty for not having returned the favor. “I should…”

“You should enjoy this. That’s why I did it. You look amazing when you come.”

Steve rendered me speechless again. I never thought he’d be this uninhibited about sex. Especially when making out with me, but he seems comfortable and even eager to do it again. Maybe I should take my cue from him. “You made a mess.” I can’t seem to stop blushing and I hope no one watched us. 

“We can fix that, no problem.”

“I should… you know… return the favor. I didn’t…” Out of the two of us, I appear to be the shy one. I just can’t say the words. 

“You don’t have to, Buck. You made me come anyway.”

“Uh?” I applaud myself on that particular reaction. I really sound intelligent. I’m such an idiot!

“I came from just watching you, so don’t worry about it.”

He did? I search his eyes and realize he’s telling the truth. He always was unable to lie to me. Even if he tried, I always instantly picked up on it. 

“That’s what you do to me.” Steve claims my lips again and I eagerly give in. During all those years working for Hydra I never had a chance to imagine what a normal life would be like; with someone to love – a partner. I never entertained the thought that I’d one day find out. I was such a mess, who am I kidding, I still am, but these days life isn’t hell anymore. Like Steve said, my life has improved and I have him to thank for that. 

He presses one last kiss on my brow and then gets to his feet. “We should clean up. Let’s pray we don’t walk into anyone. T’challa would be too decent to comment, but Clint and Sam? And don’t even get me started on Tony!”

I follow him down the corridor and toward our new home. “I’m still stunned that they accept this.” What I’m really trying to say is that I’m shocked they accept ME into their lives. 

“They know what happened to you,” Steve explains. “Sam and Clint have seen ample combat to know what you went through, and Tony, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he had boyfriends in the past, even though he seems stuck on Pepper now.” 

A shadow passes over Steve’s face. “What’s wrong?” I ask.

“I wish Nat was here too. Then the group would be complete again, sort of.” Vision, Wanda, and Scott are still relatively new to the Avengers. “She was there with me from the start. She supported me when things got rough.”

I know her reputation. Hydra always made sure I was up to date with my adversaries. “I don’t mind her being here. Why don’t you invite her?” I hope she doesn’t mind me being here though considering the fact that I shot her twice. And didn’t I try to strangle her after Zemo released the Winter Soldier? Sometimes it’s my long-term memory acting up and sometimes the recent past is hazy. I really can’t trust my mind, no matter what Steve says.

“Good idea, I’ll do that.” Steve tilts his head and gives me a probing look. “What’s wrong? I know that expression”

I consider ignoring his question, but he’ll nag until I tell him. “I don’t know what memories are real. I feel like I miss a lot of information and I can’t be sure I’m remembering the truth. Hydra did have a way to make me see things their way.”

“We’re working on that. Just be patient.”

Since we arrived at our new rooms, Steve opens the door, and steps inside. I follow suit and almost walk into him when he comes to a sudden stop. “What?” He could have said something! Losing my balance, I grab onto him, which makes Steve smile adoringly at me. That guy’s going to be the death of me! “Why did you do that?”

“What, halt or smile at you?” 

As I said, the death of me. “Why stop?”

“Look,” Steve tilts his head. 

I look to the bedroom and find several outfits waiting for us on our beds. “What’s that supposed to be?” I let go of him and head toward the bedroom. The clothes are decent enough, some slacks, shirts, blazers and polished shoes. No sneakers though. I look to Steve for an answer. These aren’t ours. We didn’t bring any. 

“Here’s a card.” Steve picks it up and reads it. “Apparently T’challa is inviting us to dinner tonight. Looks like it’s a formal setting. He’s asking us to dress accordingly, hence the clothes.”

“Just the three of us?” I hope so!

“No, Clint, Sam, and Tony are invited too and there’ll be a surprise guest. Female apparently.” Steve smiles. “Maybe it’s Nat!”

“Did you contact her yet?” I move to the bathroom as I really want to clean myself up. 

“I’ll do so now. You okay in there?”

I sigh and roll back my eyes. “I’m fine. I can do this one-handed, you know.”

“Just shout when you need me!”

He’d love that! No, I need a moment on my own to process everything that’s happening. I’ll honor T’challa’s invitation, but if it were up to me, I would stay here instead. Steve, however, would make sure I went with him. 

As I clean myself up, I worry about dinner. I don’t do well around people. I hope I won’t embarrass myself.

oooooooooooooo

“You look ravishing!” 

The way Steve ogles me makes me wary. “Keep your distance. I happen to like these clothes and you’re not messing them up!” I went for black slacks, a black shirt and a blue jacket, simply because there wasn’t a black one available. I do prefer darker colors.

“No matter what you wear, you look always great. I remember the day you told me that you had been accepted into the 107th. That uniform looked damn good on you.”

“Are you drooling over me?” It almost looks that way!

“Well, I’ve been in love with you forever.”

“You look fine too,” I say gingerly, returning the compliment. Steve went for brown slacks and a blue shirt. “It feels strange,” I whisper, uncertain if I should tell him or not. “It’s been so long since I wore decent clothes that I forgot what it’s like.” Before the war I always took great care of my appearance. Steve often pestered me about my need to look good. 

I walk over to him, knowing we need to get moving, and hold out my hand for him to take if he wants that. Immediately he wraps his fingers around it and pulls me close. “Don’t.” If he starts something now, we’ll be late and we’ll have to change clothes again.

“You know me so well!” Steve winks. “Maybe later?”

Maybe Steve will forget about Stark’s instructions that I should wear those damn glasses in the evening too. That would suit me just fine. I don’t want to put them on at any rate. 

ooooooooo

Upon stepping into T’challa’s grand dining room, my unease kicks back in. Everything looks inviting; the table’s set, the food’s ready and T’challa is already waiting for us. 

“Welcome! I am honored you are joining me. I am happy that those clothes fit!”

“Thank you for providing them.” Steve shakes T’challa’s hand. 

I study our surroundings and notice three women hovering in the back. They’re tall, alert, and well-trained. My instincts warn me not to underestimate them. Looking out of the window, I realize it’s dark already. Time passes quickly here. 

“Please select your seat. We do not have a seating arrangement this evening.”

“You mentioned a surprise guest. Are you going to tell us who it is?”

I’m glad Steve asked that question. I want to know her identity too.

“It is your friend, Miss Romanoff. Mister Stark needed some of his equipment flown in and she is arriving tonight. So I invited her for dinner.” T’challa cocks his head. “You have a loyal friend in her, Captain Rogers. She helped you escape.”

“She turned against you,” Steve observes. “You have no hard feelings regarding that?”

“I admire a woman who makes her own decisions instead of doing as she is told, Captain.”

That doesn’t surprise me, as T’challa lets no one dictate his actions either. We’ve been standing for some time and I’m losing my grip on my footing. I need to sit down or find some support. I’m still recovering, although I hate to admit that. 

“Sit,” T’challa says and points to the chairs again. He sits down himself as well. “Do you want a drink?” 

Steve guides me over to the chair next to T’challa and I think that’s a good idea. That way I’ll be cooped up in between the two of them. I sit down and am glad to be off my feet. Ever since that ‘session’ this morning, I feel worn-out. Maybe fixing Hydra’s conditioning is more tiring that I thought. 

“I could do with some coffee,” Steve says before turning his attention to me.

“Tea would be nice.” No alcohol for me and I’m not in the mood for caffeine. During my short stay in Bucharest I started to drink green tea and I rather like it. I still remember the first time I headed into a supermarket to get some groceries. The wide variety of products made my head spin.

“We have some nice herbal teas.” T’challa signals one of the women, who then disappears. “You look much better,” T’challa says, addressing me. “Whatever you are doing, it seems to be working. Mister Stark has come around then?”

Why can’t he ask Steve instead? “I feel better, yes, it’s working.” I cringe at realizing how much I suck at this. Before the war, chatting was never a problem. Steve always said I had a way with the ladies, mostly due to my charm. I always knew what to say and when to say it. That’s gone now. Something else Hydra took away from me.

“I hope we’re still on time?” Sam walks into the room, closely followed by Clint. They also dressed for the occasion. “Looking nice,” he says appreciatively.

Now that those two arrived, I hope they’ll carry on the conversation and I can melt into the background.

“Next time, shave. Then you’ll look even better!”

Until that very moment, I didn’t realize Sam was talking to me. I glare at him and keep quiet. 

“All right, message understood. You’re not in a talkative mood tonight!” 

Sam moves onto the wine and pours himself a glass before returning and sitting down opposite me. There are so many seats to choose from. Why does it have to be that one? Maybe I can get away with ‘accidentally’ kicking him beneath the table. 

“If looks could kill, I would be the walking dead!” Sam quips and raises his glass to toast me. 

Clint sits down next to Sam and asks for some coffee, which is delivered a moment later. Both Steve and Clint sip cautiously as it’s still hot. I’m served herbal tea as requested and I wait for it to cool.

“We’re only missing Tony and Nat,” Clint remarks. He seems happy to be seeing her again. Steve did say they were close friends. 

“Ah, well, let’s get this party started! All it needs is me!” 

Stark walks into the room like he owns it, picks up some grapes, and pops them into his mouth. On closer inspection I see some dark circles beneath his eyes. I doubt he’s as chipper as he wants us to believe. 

“Mister Stark, please join us. What would you like to drink?”

“Champagne, of course!” 

Tony sits down – thankfully far away from me. I’m not sure I could deal with him sitting close to me and talking to me all evening. 

“Where’s Nat?” Clint asks and pointedly ignores Stark; I wonder why. Steve mentioned that Clint still bore Stark a grudge, but surely they buried the hatchet in the mean time?

“She will touch down within the next ten minutes and then she will join us,” T’challa informs us.

Stark is served his champagne and nips from it. Just when I start to feel safe, he looks me straight in the eye. Judging by the wicked gleam in his eyes, I reckon he’s about to say something that will make me extremely uncomfortable, but then he looks away, as if he reconsidered. I breathe out in relief.

“Is this a party or a funeral?” 

“Nat!” Clint’s the first on his feet and to reach her. He folds his arms around her and hugs her tight. “I’ve missed you! I’m so glad you’re here!”

That feeling seems to mutual as she hugs him back. Steve gets to his feet as well, and patiently awaits his turn to greet her. “It’s good to have you here!”

Sam waves at her and Stark looks ill at ease, which is odd, considering she supported him in the past. 

“Hello,” Stark says eventually and manages a weak smile at her. “Are you going to kick me in the nuts again?”

That comment causes me to blink. What?

“You don’t know, don’t you?” Damn, now Stark’s focusing on me again. “She did. She really kicked me.”

That must have hurt. I know she has a fierce kick. “What for?” Did I really say that? Romanoff turns her head and studies me. I can’t help readying myself for a fight. That reaction’s ingrained on me. Whenever I perceive danger, I react, and I don’t know where she stands – regarding me that is; the guy that shot her twice.

“Because he rather licked his wounds than face the two of you like he should have.” On her way over to the table she gets herself a glass of wine. 

I don’t like being scrutinized like that. She’s making up her mind whether I’m a danger to her or not. To my shame, I must admit to be doing the same thing. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Barnes. Cap’s definitely a fan of yours. Ever since finding out you are still alive, he’s been talking about you,” she says.

I didn’t expect that particular opening. However, I can picture Steve coming to my defense whenever someone’s badmouthing me. “I’m sorry about shooting you. If I’d been myself, I would never have done so.” Maybe it’s best to offer an apology first. 

“At least this time you recognize me, so I know this is you and not the Winter Soldier.” Natasha makes herself comfortable in her chair and sips from her wine. “In Russia you’re a legend. While I was in training they always told us that if we didn’t do our best, the Winter Soldier would come for us. That motivated us to work harder. When Steve told me the truth about you, you no longer seemed that frightening. I can actually relate to you. I’ve been brainwashed a few times, luckily I was quick to snap out of it. What I’m trying to say is, I know what it’s like to have no control, to be a puppet, and I don’t hold it against you that you shot me. You had your orders. The Winter Soldier would have done anything to obtain his target. Now that the Winter Soldier is in the past, I’m hoping to get to know Sergeant Barnes better.”

I feel immensely relieved. “Thank you, though I don’t deserve your leniency. I still shot you.”

“I’m still alive. No harm done,” she replies calmly. “Actually I got something for you.” She walks over to the doorway where she placed a large black bag on the floor. “This is yours, I believe.”

She removes a backpack and I do recognize it. It’s mine. “How did you get this?” She hands it to me and I take hold of it. The weight seems about right. My journals might still be inside. 

“Besides being a spy I’m also an accomplished thief. Security presented no challenge, and no, I didn’t look at the content. That’s private.”

I tend to believe her, but I can’t be sure. Great spies also make great actresses. “Thank you.” I place the backpack near my chair. Although I want to check its content, I’ll wait until I’m alone.

“Now that we got that out of the way, can we move on to dinner? I’m famished!” 

Stark just started on his second glass of champagne, which reminds me of my tea. It has cooled and I sip from it. Hopefully the rest of the evening will go well too.

ooooooooo

“That went well, don’t you think?” 

I agree with Steve. The rest of the evening was uneventful. They mostly reminisced, told bad jokes, and enjoyed pestering each other. Thankfully they left me out of it. I nod and tighten my hold on my backpack. I never counted on getting it back. I owe Romanoff. If only I knew who read it.

“You seem preoccupied.” 

Steve’s right again. I can’t wait to get my journals into safety. I don’t want anyone to have access to them. “I have a lot to think about,” I offer eventually. I follow Steve into our quarters and walk straight to the bedroom, where I sit down. I briefly forget about Steve’s presence as I’m fully focused on the backpack. I open it, and feel relieved upon seeing ten journals. They contain my memories. Each time I remembered something I wrote it down. I was afraid that I’d forget everything again. By writing everything down, I could reread it in case I forgot. That hasn’t happened yet though. My memory seems stabile at the moment. I don’t think I forgot something, but I can’t be sure.

“Buck, talk to me.” 

Steve sits down next to me and tries to peek into the backpack. I know I can’t keep this from him. If I want this to work, I have to be honest with him. “Those pages mostly contain murder, crime, and the names of my victims. It doesn’t make pretty reading material.” Hopefully he hears the warning in those words.

“Is that all there is? Just the Winter Soldier’s memories? What about yours? What about Bucky’s memories?”

“You make it sound like we’re two different people. Steve, we’re not. I AM the Winter Soldier. I carried out those crimes.”

“You WERE the Winter Soldier because Hydra controlled you. That’s over now.”

“You keep telling me that, but I don’t think that’s true.” I wish I could believe Steve, but doubt keeps eating away at me. “I remember killing them, Steve. I remember killing Howard Stark. That makes me a murderer.”

“Tell me...” Steve wraps an arm around me and rests his head against my shoulder. “If Hydra had gotten their dirty hands on ME and had brainwashed me instead of you, would you consider me a killer?”

“No, of course not! You would have fought them! The only way for you to commit murder is…” Oh, what the fuck? 

“See, you wouldn’t have blamed me. So how can I blame you? The others know this too. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. You had no choice. It’s like Nat said, you were their puppet. They held the strings. You fought them, but Hydra was too strong. You lost the fight and that must hurt, but you mustn’t blame yourself for that. ”

I avert my gaze. We are NOT having this conversation. I don’t want to hear it!

“You have to forgive yourself for Hydra being stronger. You fought them. I remember what you were like when I found you in Zola’s lab. You were still giving them your rank and number. You were fighting back, but that second time, Hydra was too strong. You were wounded. You fell into that ravine. They got to you when you were at your most vulnerable. Buck, look at me, please.”

I can’t deny him, and he knows that. Reluctantly I meet his gaze. 

“You know that I don’t lie, Bucky. I’m always honest. You know that!”

I nod and wonder what’s coming next. I don’t like the sound of it.

“You’re not to blame. Bucky, you didn’t do this. You fought Hydra. You were up against Zola, the Red Skull, and later Alexander Pierce. You stood no chance. They got to you when you were injured, maybe even dying. Hydra’s the monster here. They committed these crimes. They used you for their own means. If you need to be angry with someone, be angry with Hydra, but not with yourself. You’re the victim in this whole mess. You’re innocent.”

I wonder how many more times he’s going to tell me that. “Steve, I…” 

“Would you hold me responsible if I were in your shoes? Would you call me a killer?”

“No, you would never kill anyone like that…”

“Neither would you!”

“Stop it; you’re giving me a headache!” I pull free and get to my feet. I march over the window and center myself by looking at the waterfall. “You need to stop saying things like that!”

“I won’t – I’ll continue until you believe me. I love you…”

After walking up to me, he embraces me and pulls me against his chest. For one moment I want to push him away, but I don’t. I might not like it, but there’s some truth to his words. Hydra got to me when I was injured. I still don’t understand how I survived that fall. It’s true that I was barely alive when they found me, but I also think that I could have fought them harder!

“Why don’t we get some rest? You still need to wear those glasses for an hour. Why don’t you get ready for bed and I’ll hunt down some hot milk with honey? How does that sound?”

I’m relieved he’s backing down. I don’t know how to deal with this. “Fine with me.” I step out of the embrace and head for the bathroom. I close the door behind me and lean against it. Slowly, my exhaustion gets the better of me and I slide toward the floor. I just sit there, trying to slow down my breathing. What if Steve is right and I’m not to blame? But I did kill those people! My head hurts and I close my eyes. I need to figure this out, but I don’t know how.

oooooooooooooo

I’m about to check on Bucky, but when there’s a knock I head there first and open the door. To my surprise it’s Tony. “Did you forget something?” We spent most of the evening together, so what’s he doing here now?

“I just want to update that recording. I improved it. It should do away with any remaining programming on Hydra’s part.”

I step aside so he can enter. “Help yourself, Tony. I just want to check on Buck. He was upset earlier. I just can’t make him understand that he’s innocent of the murders. He remembers them, so he thinks of himself as a killer.”

“That makes sense, I guess.” Tony shrugs. “I would feel guilty too. He needs time. You can’t expect him to heal overnight.”

His words make me smile. “I didn’t know you cared.”

Tony shrugs. “I learned a thing or two from watching Hydra’s tapes.”

Is it just my imagination or is Tony actually shivering? “That bad?”

“It helped me gain some understanding where your buddy is concerned, yes. That’s why I no longer hold him responsible.” Tony heads for the bed where he fumbles with the device. “You’ll probably not hear a difference, but the subliminal message has changed. Working with the subconscious is tricky business. Hydra did a lot of grueling stuff, but this…” 

I’m relieved that Tony has firmly stepped over to our side. I no longer need to worry about that. I wonder if I too should watch those tapes and see what they did to Bucky. I probably don’t know half of the things he went through. Which reminds me… I head for the bathroom and knock. “Buck, it’s me. Are you okay?” I don’t get a reply, which worries me. I listen more closely and pick up on his labored breathing and soft mumbling. Whatever he’s saying is gibberish though, as it doesn’t make any sense. 

“What’s up?” 

I shrug at Tony. “I don’t know, but I’m checking on him.” Thankfully Bucky didn’t lock the door and I open it. Bucky’s on the floor. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arm around them. He buried his face between his knees and he’s shaking all over. “Hey…” I move slowly, as I don’t want to startle him. “Bucky…” I sit down next to him and carefully gather him in my arms. Dear God, he’s crying. The sound gets to me and I want it to stop. 

“Bucky, talk to me. What’s happening?” Recalling that rocking him helped calm him before, I resort to that. He doesn’t reply for some minutes, but eventually his breathing settles down and the mumbling stops. Was that Russian he was whispering in? Feeling rather helpless, I look at Tony, who’s sitting on his heels in the doorway. It’s a good thing he’s keeping some distance. I doubt Bucky knows how to deal with his presence. “Buck, come on, you worry me.”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Bucky mumbles in a broken voice. “I’m not that person anymore, Steve. Hydra fucked with my mind. Why won’t you put me back into cryo? I’m not Bucky anymore. He died that day in the ravine and what crawled out was a monster!”

At least he’s talking! That gives me the chance I need. “Maybe you’re not that Bucky anymore, but you’re most definitely NOT a monster! Just give it time. You’ve lived this nightmare for over seventy years and you’ve been with me for a week. You need more time to find out who you are and you have friends who support you.”

“Steve…” Bucky sighs and his head lolls against my chest. “You should forget about me. I’m grateful that you confronted me that day on the helicarrier. I did recognize you, but I had no idea what to do about it. Accepting that truth meant Hydra had lied all that time.”

“You beat the crap out of me and then you jump after me to get me out of the water. Hydra’s condition wore off during the fight, didn’t it?” I rub his back and he trembles against me.

“The longer the mission, the more I remember,” Bucky confirms. “When that helicarrier went down, I… For some reason I couldn’t turn my back on you. All I could think about was making sure you were safe. Something overruled Hydra’s orders, and yes, I jumped after you because I cared about you. I’ve never been that scared before. I had to make sure you survived.”

I exchange a look with Tony, who looks equally concerned. The good thing about this breakdown is the fact that Bucky’s finally opening up and not holding back. “You knew me. I remember the exact moment that realization hit you. Jumping after me took guts. After all, you still thought I was Hydra’s sworn enemy.”

“Maybe.” 

Bucky finally settles down, but he isn’t moving. I have the feeling he’s exactly where he wants to be. “Feeling any better?”

Bucky shrugs noncommittally. “This doesn’t change a thing. I’m still a cold-blooded killer.” 

I knew going into this that this would be a long battle and I’m not giving up. I’ll never give up on Bucky. “No, you’re not. You’re just confused.” I kiss his hair and pull him closer. “Just because you remember those scenes doesn’t mean you killed them. You had no choice.” I hold my breath upon seeing Tony getting ready to speak. I can only hope that he won’t make things worse. 

“Barnes,” Tony starts and Bucky immediately tenses up in my arms. 

“What Cap said, and more. I overreacted in Siberia. If you knew me better, you’d know that I’m too impulsive for my own good. I shouldn’t have tried to kill you, but I couldn’t get those images out of my head. I had just seen you murder my parents.”

I want to caution Tony that he isn’t helping, but Tony raises a hand and I decide to wait and see where this is headed. Bucky however continues to keep his head down. He’s avoiding looking at both of us. 

“Zemo manipulated me. He carefully selected the scenes he wanted me to see. He didn’t show me Hydra wiping your memory or messing with your mind. I didn’t realize what had been done to you. I did what Zemo knew I would do and I’m not proud of it, but that’s me. I’m trouble. What I’m trying to say in a rather clumsy way is that I no longer blame you for my parents’ deaths. I blame Hydra, and like Cap, I’m rather pissed that they used you to carry out their death sentences. You don’t deserve that. Whenever he gets the chance, Cap tells us about his best friend -- you. I listen – sometimes I really do pay attention! And I know you fought the right fight. You enlisted to kick Hitler’s butt. It was bad luck that Zola got interested in you.”

Bucky’s finally calming down and I sigh in relief. For some time I wasn’t sure if letting Tony speak was the smart thing to do. “Come on, Buck, look at us.” But he continues to avoid us and keeps his head down instead. Looking at Tony, I wonder what to do.

“I understand that you dislike putting on those glasses,” Tony continues. “But right now, they’re your best defense against Hydra. If we want to undo their conditioning that’s the way to go. You need to be patient though. The road might get rocky, and it won’t be easy, but you don’t have to do this on your own.”

Maybe I underestimated Tony all along, but then again, every time the guy grows on me, he does something dumb, like creating Ultron. “The floor can’t be comfortable, why don’t we move this over to the bed?” I want Bucky off the tiled floor and somewhere comfortable. Bucky nods and starts to get to his feet. He sways though and I steady him. He remains quiet, and allows me to guide him to the bed. Bucky sits down and waveringly lifts his head, finally make eye-contact. He looks miserable. “Well, we certainly mastered that little crisis. We can do this – together.” I sit down next to him and smile reassuringly. 

“I’m sorry about that,” Bucky apologizes. “I don’t know what happened.”

“You had a breakdown and I doubt it’ll be your last,” Tony remarks as he pulls up a chair closer to the bed. “It’s actually a good thing. I would worry way more if you didn’t have any meltdowns.”

“And that’s supposed to help?” See, it’s like I said, he did something stupid again!

“I’m serious,” Tony says in self-defense, ‘Those emotions need out. He never had a chance to deal with them before. It means Hydra’s Winter Soldier is weakening and Barnes stronger. He just needs time.”

Okay, that actually sounds logical. Tony could still have phrased that differently though. 

“Humor me, what’s in your backpack? You’re awfully possessive of the stuff.”

And here we go again. Just when I wanted to get Bucky to sleep, Tony does it again. I shake my head in warning, but Tony ignores it. I doubt Bucky will tell him. Discussing those journals set off his breakdown in the first place. I’m about to end this conversation when Bucky surprises me.

“My journals. I write about the things I remember. The people I killed. The missions Hydra gave me.”

“I suspected as much.” Tony gives Bucky a rather strict look. “Those journals are off limits to you. You’re not reading them, you hear me? You need to leave this behind you. Reading them will bring everything back and we want those memories to fade instead. Okay, I’ll take them. Hand them over.”

I’m curious about what Bucky will do. For a minute, Bucky remains undecided, but then he reaches beneath the bed and shoves the backpack toward Tony, who instantly opens it. He checks the journals, flips the pages, and except for one, all journals once more disappear into the backpack. “You can keep that one. It might help.”

Curious, I reach for that particular journal and I want to hand it back to Bucky. But then a newspaper snippet falls onto the floor. It’s an old one, picturing us after we returned from Zola’s camp. We both look happy. I understand why Tony is fine with Bucky holding on to that. 

“Now what?” Bucky asks in a tired voice.

Bucky seems to have surrendered to his fate. He looks tired, but also calm. I reckon I have Tony to thank for that, who would have guessed?

“Put on those glasses, listen to that recording, and if you can, sleep. You might feel a bit strange in the morning, but that’s to be expected. You might experience flashbacks or nightmares, I’m afraid that can’t be helped. But it’ll pass. I expect you to sleep soundly within a week. We need to tackle Hydra now. The longer we wait, the harder it’ll get.” Tony gets to his feet and takes hold of the backpack. “Take good care of yourself, Barnes. You’re fighting a war and Cap and I will kick your butt if you give up.”

A smug smile surfaces on Bucky’s face and I love seeing it. I don’t know how Tony did it, but Bucky’s responding, the old Bucky, that is. Tony waves at us in goodbye and marches out of the room. That leaves me alone with Bucky. “You heard the man. Strip, and let’s get ready for bed. I’ll get those glasses.”

“Is Stark always that bossy?” Bucky removes his clothes and slips into the t-shirt I hand him. 

“Most of the time, yes.” I put the glasses on the nightstand and slip into comfortable sweatpants and a T-shirt myself. “He means well, so we let him get away with it.” I lay back and gesture for Bucky to move into my arms, which he does. I don’t know what happened earlier, but the crisis is definitely over. Bucky seems at peace. “Comfortable?” 

“Yeah.” Bucky reaches for the glasses and puts them on. His hesitance to do so tells me he’d rather not, but he IS doing it. 

I switch on the recording, and after listening to it for a moment, I realize Tony’s right. I don’t hear a difference, but according to Stark it is there. “Ready to turn in for the night?” 

“Seems like it.” 

Bucky moves closer and rests his head against my shoulder. I wrap an arm around him and make sure he’s comfortable. I do hope Bucky will sleep soundly tonight. He needs that.

ooooooooooooooo

I stay awake because I worry about the impact those glasses will have on Bucky. Thankfully my worries don’t come true and his sleep is peaceful. Once the hour is up, I remove those glasses and put them on the nightstand. Bucky doesn’t wake up, and feeling reassured for the moment, I close my eyes and try to get some sleep.

ooooooooooooo

I wake up during the night because Bucky’s moving about. He’s not exactly fighting my embrace, but he’s moving restlessly. I wonder what to do. Should I wake him or let it run its course? Suddenly, he starts mumbling and I know enough Russian to identify the language. After listening to him rave for a few minutes, I realize he keeps repeating ten words. As his agitation stays within acceptable levels, I decide against waking him just yet. Tony said that something like this might happen and maybe it’s an important development. I guess there’s only one way to find out. I reach for my cell and text Tony – Bucky keeps mumbling 10 words in Russian, what do I do? – Hopefully Tony’s still awake. 

It doesn’t take him long to get back to me. – Let the guy sleep. I’m on my way and bring backup. –

The last part of the message puzzles me, but then I realize that bringing in Nat might help. I don’t know that much Russian and neither does Tony. Nat however does. I keep a close eye on Bucky and am relieved he’s isn’t getting worse.

About ten minutes later, Tony and Nat step into the bedroom. Tony looks intrigued and moves a chair closer to the bed. After removing some device from his jacket, he runs it along Bucky’s head and upper body. Nat takes up position behind Tony and appears to be listening closely to the words Bucky keeps repeating. “Do they make any sense to you? He keeps saying them over and over again.”

“I’ll tell you.” Nat waits for Bucky to start anew and then whispers, “Longing, rusted, furnace, daybreak. Seventeen, benign, nine, homecoming, one, freight car. That’s what he keeps repeating.” I’ve seldom seen that particular expression on her face. “What the KGB did to me was bad enough, but what they did to him…”

“I know those words,” Tony says, who reaches for the glasses and puts them back on Bucky. He switches them on and watches for some sort of reaction on Bucky’s part. “Hydra used those words to activate the Winter Soldier. This is extremely encouraging.”

“Why’s that? He’s obviously hurting.” I don’t like this at all.

“Because those words trigger the activation of the Winter Soldier, but we’re still dealing with Barnes. He hasn’t changed,” Nat says, obviously catching on faster than me. “We should have one hell of a fight on our hands right now.”

“Exactly!” Tony is obviously up to something now that he’s concentrating on his gadgets. “There, that should help.” The light on the glasses changes to yellow.

“What are you doing?”

“Helping him adjust.” Tony fully concentrates on Bucky and the readings on his device. “Those words are an important part of him. I can’t just wipe them from his memory. If I did, I would damage him and we don’t want that. What I CAN do is change their nature. Instead of triggering the Winter Soldier we can turn them into a yoga routine for all I care. Those glasses will help him find a new purpose for them.” Tony grins smugly. “I’m good.”

Nat shakes her head at that comment. “How long is this going to continue? He keeps repeating them.”

“This might go on for the rest of the night. By morning, those words should hold a new meaning for him. Maybe you can work them into a conversation during the day?” Tony gives Nat a hopeful look.

“And what if you’re wrong and we have Hydra’s assassin on our hands?” Nat asks; she doesn’t seem pleased with Tony’s idea and I must agree, I don’t like it either. 

“Kids, think! Saying them triggers the activation of the Winter Soldier. I lost count of the times Barnes has already said them. You said them too, Nat.”

“In English!” she protests.

“Say them in Russian,” Tony challenges her.

“Tony, did you lose your mind?” I glare at him. This is madness!

“If you won’t, I will. You two need to understand what’s happening.” 

Suddenly Bucky’s voice sounds from one of Tony’s gadgets. “You taped him?” I can’t believe this! I’m about to lecture Tony, when I realize Bucky isn’t reacting. I stare at Tony in surprise.

“See, we’re onto number seven and he isn’t reacting.” Tony looks smugger with each passing second. “Here comes number eight.” 

He even turns up the sound, the bastard. I hold my breath and stare at Bucky, who’s settling down. He stopped mumbling and is sound asleep again. Words number nine and ten pass by and nothing happens. “I didn’t expect you to succeed that quickly. I thought we would be at this for weeks.”

“The mind is a truly curious thing.” Tony puts the recording on replay. Bucky shows no reaction whatsoever, and Tony eventually shuts it down. “Your buddy must have decided to fight. He seemed a little lost earlier. But ever since that breakdown something changed.”

“You’re right about that. I noticed it too.” I allow myself to relax as well. 

“I’m happy for him,” Nat whispers. “Tony showed me some of the material Hydra shot of him. It’s bad. Barnes never stood a chance.”

“Maybe I should watch it too.” I really want to know what’s on those tapes!

“You might want to reconsider,” Tony warns me. “Barnes needs your support. He doesn’t need you to go on a guilt trip because you couldn’t save him.”

What Tony says is true, but I still want to see it. “Thanks for rushing over here. I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“I’m an insomniac, so don’t worry about it.” Nat smiles warmly. “I’m glad I could help.”

“And I was reading those fucking journals.”

Tony sounds mighty pissed off. “Maybe you shouldn’t.” 

“No, I need to know my enemy if I want to defeat him. I can’t give Hydra any advantages. If we want Barnes restored and the Winter Soldier gone, we can’t bury our heads in the sand. We need to know what we’re up against. One word of advice, Cap, don’t take Barnes to my lab any time soon. I set up Hydra’s machine in there to study it. I don’t want him to go into shock upon seeing it. I’m afraid of the effect it’ll have on your buddy.”

That’s it. I need to know what Hydra did to him. “I want to see that footage in the morning. No, Tony, I need to see it. Don’t fight me on this.”

“I’ll keep Barnes company while you’re gone. I’ll bring Sam along. He keeps asking how Barnes is doing. I believe Barnes has grown on him. You know what Sam’s like; big mouth, even bigger heart.”

“I like that.” I don’t want Bucky to become depended on me. Spending time with Nat and Sam will force Bucky to interact. “Meet me here at nine?”

“We’ll be here.” Nat moves toward the doorway. “Come on, Stark, let’s give them some privacy.”

“Which reminds me…” Tony ominously leaves that sentence unfinished. “Is that a hickey? I noticed it during dinner, but I didn’t want Barnes to feel embarrassed. So I shut up, which is, as you know, a major achievement for me!”

“Thanks for small mercies. He’d have shut down at once. He doesn’t really know how to react to such teasing. He used to be different. He loved to tease me and gave as got as he got. I do miss that.”

“Like I said, give it time. It’ll come back. He spent seventy years as a part of Hydra’s machine. It’s a miracle he’s still sane. A lot of guys would have lost their mind. He kept fighting, that shows strength.”

“Thanks, Tony.” I watch them leave and then turn my attention back to Bucky. He’s still sound asleep and cuddled up to me. Everything looks right again in his world and I hope it stays that way for the rest of the night.

ooooooooo 

Why does my neck hurt? Why is my mouth so fucking dry? And why do I feel like I just fought Stark all over again? I feel wasted and decide against moving just yet. Every cell in my body hurts. I don’t want to open my eyes as I fear the light might hurt them. I really feel like I just collided with a damn train!

“Hey, are you awake?”

Bless Steve for sticking around. “What happened?” Add a sore throat to the above listed aches. I feel like I screamed throughout the entire night. The thing is, I felt like this before and it’s not good news. I felt like this the few times Hydra stopped their proceedings once I was in the machine due to some unforeseen event. I’d be sick for days if they aborted. 

“A lot happened and I’ll bring you up to speed, but I want you to tell me something first. How are you doing?”

Steve sounds worried. “Like Stark beat me up to within an inch of my life.” I feel nauseous and I had better warn Steve. “I’m going to be sick.” He must have anticipated that because he presses a bowl into my hand. I empty my stomach and then I curl up on my side. Fuck, now I feel even worse. My headache is also growing worse. My skull is about to freaking explode. 

“Just take it slow. It’ll pass; at least, Tony said so. You had a bad night.”

That’s the understatement of the century! I curl up and pull my knees to my chest. I wrap my arm around my legs and pray for the pounding in my head to stop. Steve leaves the bed and I feel deserted, but a moment later, he presses a wet cloth against my brow. It helps.

“Don’t move. Take it slow.”

I can’t move even if I wanted to. My head, shoulder, and arm hurt. No wait, my arm’s missing, it can’t hurt. 

“Do you want me to get Akachi? Or Tony?”

“No, it’ll pass…” I’d rather die than have them see me in such a vulnerable state. “It happened before.” Maybe that will reassure Steve.

“What did? Come on, tell me. Don’t do this to me.”

He sounds rather desperate so I take pity on him. “Sometimes, when Hydra prepared me for another mission, something unexpected came up. They would abort, and I would be in pain for days. It always hurt when they prepared me for a mission, but aborting the procedure was even worse.” Steve remains quiet and I grow worried. Slowly, I open my eyes. The light isn’t too intense and I manage to focus on him. I’m seeing double though. There are two of him! “Don’t worry about it. It’ll pass.”

“I’m giving Tony a call. I don’t like this.”

“You don’t have to. See, I’m doing better.” I force myself to sit up, but then pay the price for overestimating myself. Besides seeing double, now the room’s spinning too. In the back of my mind I hear Steve speaking rather urgently, but I can’t be bothered to reply. It’ll pass, I know that. I just need to get through the first few minutes. We don’t need Stark!

“He’s on his way.”

Damn, Steve called the guy anyway. “You didn’t have to do that.” The vertigo’s fading and instead of seeing double, my vision is back to normal. “See, I’m improving.”

“I don’t care. I want Tony to check on you.”

“Since when is he a doctor?” I can’t help feeling grumpy. I told him to ignore it.

“True, he’s not a doctor, but he knows what’s happening to you. Don’t be like that. We just want to help.”

“I know that. I just don’t want him to see me like this.”

“Like what? Naked and having sex?” 

Stark marches into the room and the first thing I notice that the circles beneath his eyes darkened further overnight. 

“He was sick and I’m worried,” Steve informs Stark.

“Of course you are. You’re a mother hen if I ever saw one. So what’s going on?” Tony sits down on the side of the bed. 

“Nothing really. Steve overreacted.” Annoyed, I glare at Stark. Why is he this close? And why do I feel aggressive?

“Cap, fill me in. Your buddy is making this difficult.”

“He woke up disorientated. My guess is that his head hurts really badly. He threw up and was unable to sit up.”

Does Steve have to be so accurate? “I’m fine now!” I’m not, but they don’t need to know. 

“Do you remember anything that happened last night?” 

Stark’s question throws me for a loop. “What?” I have no idea what he’s hinting at.

“Last night, Cap called me over because you kept repeating ten words in Russian.”

I stare at him in shock. Ten words in Russian? No, I didn’t…. Why would I…?

“Nat translated them for us. Hydra used them to activate the Winter Soldier.”

While I do appreciate Stark’s honesty, his words make me panic. “What happened? What did I do?” I KNOW what happens when I hear those words.

“Nothing did. You had a restless night and I had to make some adjustments to those glasses. My guess is that last night was way too intense for you and the experience gave you a major headache.”

“That doesn’t make sense. I know what happens when I hear those words.” I never said them aloud before though. Why would I do that?

Stark draws in a deep breath. “I’ll try to explain this in a way it makes sense. Those glasses are changing your programming. You’re conditioning yourself all over again by wearing them, but in a good way. Those words will always remain important to you, but you won’t turn into a monster when you hear them. We tested that and you passed.” 

Stark actually winks at me. Just what the fuck is he saying? “You told me those words? Are you insane?”

“You’re still you, Barnes. No Winter Soldier, just your grumpy old self. Cap, is he always this big a nag?”

“We’re late! Sorry, we lost track of time!”

I can’t believe this is happening. What are Wilson and Romanoff doing in my bedroom? 

“Bad timing?” Wilson says, realizing they got in the middle of something. “We’ll wait in the kitchen.” 

Romanoff gives me a weird look that has me puzzles, but then follows Wilson out of the room. “What are they doing here?” And why am I still angry?

“Stark and I need to talk so Nat offered to take you for a walk. Sam’s worried about you, so he tagged along.”

Steve isn’t lying, but he isn’t telling me the whole truth either. My anger keeps building and my hand turns into a fist. “Fuck…”

“What’s wrong?” Steve notices something is wrong as well.

“I’m so fucking angry… I don’t know why.” And that feeling scares me, scares me of what I might do because of that rage.

“I know what to do!” Stark reaches for the glasses, presses some hidden indentions, and slips them back onto my head. “Better?”

It’s odd. My anger evaporates and I calm down. “Yes, but why… and how?” I don’t understand.

“Your brain’s busy adapting to changing circumstances. And you still have a lot of repressed anger inside you. That needs out.”

“My headache’s gone.” I can’t believe this! 

“Well, I AM a genius.” Stark jokes, but his expression is deadly serious. “May I make a suggestion?”

“Yes.” I nod; I’m starting to have some faith in the guy. Maybe he does know what he’s doing.

“Keep those glasses on for the rest of the day. They’ll help your brain adapt. I’ll look in on you tonight. If you can, go outside. Sit in the sun, soak up the warmth, and relax. Pamper yourself for a change.”

For some reason that sounds odd coming from Stark. Maybe he was honest when he said that he no longer holds me responsible for his parents’ deaths. I can never ask for forgiveness for the things I did, but I’ll take Stark’s friendship every day. “I’ll try.” Though that might be hard, now that I have to spend time with Wilson en Romanoff instead of Steve.

ooooooooooooo

“Where’s your buddy, Cap?” Sam asks as he pours himself a cup of coffee. 

“Getting cleaned up and dressed. He insists he doesn’t need my help, so I don’t pressure him. Is that coffee? Gimme!” I’m desperate for caffeine. Last night took its toll on me too. Sam hands me a mug of the black gold and I inhale its divine aroma. Sipping from it, I feel like coming alive again. “I need a lot more of that to get me through the day.”

“Rough night? Nat told me what happened.” Sam grabs an apple and takes a bite out of it.

Which reminds me, eating breakfast is probably a good idea. Thankfully Nat knows me best and prepared a royal serving of bacon and eggs for me. “Thanks!” I dive into the food, only now realizing I feel famished. 

“So what are today’s instructions?” she asks while sipping some orange juice.

“Keep our guy out of trouble.” Tony steals Sam’s refill and takes a big sip of coffee. Looks like he’s exhausted too. “Keep him out of my lab too. Take him for a nice walk. He likes the terrace, park his ass there. Go slow on him.”

I chuckle at hearing those instructions. I would have phrased them differently, but it would have come down to the same thing. “He’s nervous, Sam, so play nice.”

“Nervous? About moi?” 

Sam doesn’t fool me though; he knows this is serious and he WILL behave. 

“Don’t worry, Cap, we’ll be on our best behavior,” Nat assures me.

Looking at them, I realize they know the situation is serious. They will behave, and if they don’t, I’ll kick their butt!

oooooooooooo

I can tell Bucky doesn’t want to do this, but in the end, he joins Nat and Sam for their walk. He might feel like I’m deserting him, but he also knows why I’m forcing him to spend time with them. What he doesn’t know is how I’m going to spend my time away from him. “Tony, let’s do this.” I down the rest of my coffee, but I still feel ill prepared to face Hydra.

“You don’t have to do this, Cap,” Tony warns me.

“I may not have to do it, but I want and need to do it. I need to know what Bucky went through. I need to know the extent of that damage.” I’m not running away from this.

“That’s you being stubborn again. Don’t yell at me later. I told you not to do this.”

I follow Stark to the lab and come to a halt upon seeing Hydra’s machine there. It’s big and intimidating. I can only imagine what facing it must have been like for Bucky. “Show me those tapes.” Tony still seems unconvinced, but he remains silent. I’m done with him protesting my actions!

“How do you want to do this? Start at the beginning? Or at the end?”

“Let’s start at the beginning.” I pull up a chair and plant myself in front of the screen. “I need to see this.” The screen comes alive and I recognize the settings. “I know this place.” That’s the camp I rescued Bucky from. Bucky’s strapped to the bed, just like I found him that day. A construction similar to Hydra’s machine stands near the foot end. I didn’t notice it at the time, but now I know what they used it for. A moment later, Zola appears and I want to punch him for wearing that smug grin. Bucky suffers several injections and trashes on the bed. Then the scene fades away

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes, damn it.” I glare at Tony, daring him to lecture me on swearing. Tony nods reluctantly and starts another playback. We’re at a different facility this time. The camera zooms in on Bucky and I cringe at realizing he’s missing his arm. The so-called medical staff is cutting away tissue and to my horror, Bucky suddenly screams. He’s awake; they didn’t even sedate him! Horrified I watch as the butchers continue readying his shoulder for the vibranium arm. My stomach rebels against watching it and I fight down the nausea: I’m not going to close my eyes though. 

One of the so-called surgeons appears and speaks right into the camera. “Test subject number 342. I re-started the series of injections last night and so far everything is going according to plan. I will now inject Herr Schmidt’s DNA.”

“What?” I can’t believe it. I look to Tony for more information. 

“Yeah, Zola and his staff were definitely mad. He used the Red Skull’s DNA to create his own super assassin.”

The needle slips beneath Bucky’s skin and releases the fluid. “Bucky can never know this.” It would tear him apart.

“I don’t plan on telling him,” Tony reassures me. “If you think this is bad, ready yourself for something way worse.”

That doesn’t sound well. The next ten minutes I watch Bucky struggle against the serum and then he settles down. The recording ends with the scientist yelling at Bucky to move his metal arm, flex his fingers, and in the end, he complies. The expression on Bucky’s face is one of utter disorientation. “If these butchers weren’t dead already, I’d hunt them down and kill them.” The chill to my own voice briefly startles me. I mean it. I would kill them. The last scene shows Bucky grabbing one of the researchers and choking him. I’m watching the very birth of the Winter Soldier.

“Steve,” Tone walks up behind me and rests his hands on my shoulders. “Remember, no guilt trip. Barnes needs you, not some idiot wanting revenge.”

“I get it, but…” I gnash my teeth. “I hate seeing him like that.”

“Then stop watching.”

“No, show me the rest.” I need to do this now. I might regret it later, but I have to know. Reluctantly Tony hits another button. I instantly recognize the machine and cast a look at the contraption to my right. Tony’s voice pulls me away from my thoughts.

“They put him in cryostatis after he completed a mission. They got him out when they needed him again. They would start with wiping his mind and giving him his instructions. He fought them, you know. He fought them every time.”

With a heavy heart I watch Hydra’s soldiers push and pull Bucky toward the machine. It takes eight of them to make him sit down. The moment he does, the machine reacts and locks down his arms. Bucky continues struggling against the restraints, but I can tell he’s weakening. Two soldiers force his head back and force a mouth guard on him. Then the machine comes to life and encircles his head. Bucky starts to scream and my nausea returns. I force myself to watch though. It takes Bucky at least a minute to stop screaming. The expression in his eyes changes and goes from terrified to vacant. When the machine releases him, it’s the Winter Soldier staring back at me. All emotion is gone.

“They subjected him too many times to that procedure and it lost its effectiveness. That’s why they introduced those ten words. They introduced them to make Barnes more compliant. They needed the extra conditioning because your buddy was fighting back. They were losing their grip on him.”

Tony fast forwards to another scene. The machine is about to release the Winter Soldier again, and this time, one of Hydra’s officers moves around the chair. Bucky manages to fight his way through the first two words, but then his demeanor changes. The fourth word releases his rage and he fights his restraints again. Once they reach the last word Bucky is gone and the Winter Soldier firmly in place. Just watching it makes me sick to the stomach. “Seventy years, Tony. They had him for over seventy years.” Tony pushes another button and the frame freezes. I can’t stop looking at the Winter Soldier, ready to comply, and carry out Hydra’s instructions. 

“He fought them each time they got him out of the ice.” Tony sits down next to me, looking remarkably pensive. “There’s a lot more footage out there, but it’s all very similar.”

“I still can’t believe Zola used the Red Skull’s DNA on Bucky!” I do hope Bucky doesn’t know.

“I’m still making my way through those journals, but I can tell you that Barnes remembers a great deal more than he’s letting on. He was worried that he would forget what happened so he wrote everything down. He didn’t just list the murders though. As he recovered, he also entrusted his feelings and regrets to those pages. You should know that he never blamed you for Zola getting a hold on him.” Tony opens a journal and puts it in front of me. “Read that.”

I’m not sure I want to, but I start reading any way. 

I’m happy Steve got away that day. I’m still convinced it was payback for forcing him to go on that rollercoaster. At the museum I was stunned to realize there was so much information on me. I didn’t think they’d include me. I’m happy Steve managed to do that much damage to Hydra. I’m so very proud of him.

My emotions block my throat and I find it hard to breathe. I cough in order to rid myself of them and fight the tears rising in my eyes. “I should have gone back for him.”

“You couldn’t. You were fighting a war and Barnes knows that. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Steve. You did the best you could under the worst possible circumstances.” 

I close the journal and caress the cover. I smile upon seeing his name written there. James Buchanan Barnes. I’m relieved he found his way home. “What do I do now?” I can’t believe I’m asking Tony of all people for advice.

“Continue with what you have been doing. He needs your support more than ever before. He needs to adapt to his new life. You can help him do that. Just be careful; hickeys shouldn’t be exposed like that. They belong beneath the collar.”

Tony managed the impossible, he made me smile. “I doubt Bucky realizes the hickeys are even there.”

“I tend to agree, but it’s up to you not to embarrass the guy. Next time, I WILL comment on it.”

“Thanks, Tony.” Although I still feel miserable after finding out what Bucky went through, I also see some light at the end of the tunnel. Bucky kept fighting Hydra and he IS still fighting them today. “I need some fresh air.” 

“I totally understand that!” Tony returns to his research material, giving me some privacy. 

I hope he finds additional ways to help Bucky deal with this mess. I walk into the corridor and continue blindly. Eventually I end up on one of the many terraces. Looking out over the valley I see dark clouds in the distance. I don’t know much about the weather conditions in Wakanda, but that looks like a major storm brewing, which suits me just fine. I’m howling mad. I took care of the Red Skull and discovered Zola’s prolonged existence inside that research center, but I can’t destroy Hydra’s machine because Tony still needs it. I need to vent one way or another or this is going to poison me from the inside. 

“Steve, what are you doing out here? And where’s Barnes?”

“Clint…” I manage to compose myself again, but it’s hard. “Bucky’s going on a walk with Nat and Sam. And I…”

“You seem upset, wanna share?”

I smile weakly at Clint. I like the guy. When I found out that he has a family tucked away, my respect for him doubled. And now he’s staying here in Wakanda in order to protect them. “Tony showed me some Hydra footage. Let’s say I finally fully understand what Bucky went through during all those decades.”

“You seem mad.”

“Brilliant observation.” I instantly regret the tone I used with Clint. “Sorry, this is not your fault.”

“Maybe we should hit the gym and give you a chance to get rid of the anger.”

I actually like that idea. I need to release this rage before I accidentally aim it at the wrong person.

ooooooooooo

So far, things are bearable. Romanoff and Wilson mostly talk to each other and leave me out of their conversation. The fact that I glared at them for the first five minutes of our walk might have something to do with that. We’ve been walking for twenty minutes now and I’m beginning to tire. Maintaining my balance has become easier, but I still need to concentrate when I walk for a longer period of time. I need to sit down shortly and rest. I hate how weak I still am. I’ve been here for over a week and I still don’t function properly.

“This is a nice spot!”

Wilson locates a bench and sits down. Romanoff stays on her feet and takes in her surroundings, always alert. I blend them out and sit down at some distance from Wilson. I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath. I wish Steve were here instead. Having to constantly wear these glasses irritates me, but I don’t dare to take them off. I don’t want the vertigo and nausea to come back. I really panicked this morning. 

“Miss Romanoff, a word please?”

Fuck. T’challa sneaked up on me again. I didn’t hear him, but Romanoff did, as T’challa’s sudden appearance doesn’t surprise her. She exchanges a look with Wilson.

“Go ahead,” Wilson says, “I’ve got this.”

I wait for Romanoff to get out of hearing range and sneak a peek at Wilson. “I don’t need a babysitter.” Wilson raises his arms in surrender, but I don’t buy it. 

“I’m not babysitting, Barnes! I just thought you might enjoy the company!”

“You’re wrong then. Go away.” I prefer to be alone.

“Sorry, can’t do. I promised Romanoff to babysit.” He grins broadly.

I groan, really wishing he went away, but I know he won’t. 

“You okay? You don’t look well.” 

I don’t feel well, but I’m not sharing that. “That’s none of your concern.”

“Actually it is. I feel kind of bad about the way I treated you at first. I just didn’t trust you, you know. You fucking tried to kill me!”

“I didn’t,” I remark, feeling ill at ease. Why is he bringing this up now? “The Winter Soldier did.” If Steve’s reasoning is sound than Wilson should get that remark. 

“I know that – now. I didn’t get it back then.”

Wilson’s laid-back attitude surprises me. “I AM sorry for what happened back then.”

“Don’t sweat it. It wasn’t you. It was Hydra.”

“Thanks,” I whisper, pleasantly surprised that we’re actually getting along. If only he’d shut up, I could enjoy the garden. It’s hot, almost too hot, and thankfully we’re sitting in the shadow. We managed to walk a good distance and we’re actually getting closer to the panther statue. I’ve wanted to check it out ever since I got here. I reckon it’ll take me another twenty to thirty minutes to reach it, but I should be able to do it if I take some breaks, that is. 

“Maybe we should head back. Looks like some bad weather is building.” 

Wilson points at the sky, but I don’t worry. “Some rain won’t kill us.”

“Feisty!” Wilson grins and winks at me. “What are you up to?”

“I just want to walk some more. I need to get back in shape.” I push myself to my feet and test my balance; I’m good. “You can turn around and head back.” I start walking toward the statue and am not surprised to find Wilson at my side again. The big pest just won’t leave me alone.

“Oh no! Steve’s going to skin me alive if you get into trouble without me.”

Does that mean it’s fine if we get into trouble together? The sunglasses are getting uncomfortable and I remove them. The sunlight promptly blinds me, but I don’t put them back on. I want to know if I can manage without them. 

“Aren’t you supposed to keep them on?”

“Shut up,” I grumble. Wilson is getting on my nerves.

“I’m just trying to be a good babysitter!”

If I could I would punch him, but I’d probably get into trouble with Steve for that. I slowly advance on the statue. It’s quiet impressive from where I’m standing. “T’challa said that there’s a cave somewhere.”

“Hey, that’s where our adventure ends. We’re moving your ass right back home.” 

I want to tell Wilson to shut up when all hell breaks loose above our heads. “Where did that thunderstorm come from?” I curse and start to run. Hopefully I won’t stumble over my own two feet. “There’s the cave, come on, we need shelter!” I don’t mind getting wet, but I prefer not to be hit by lightning. Looking over my shoulder, I find that Wilson’s finally moving and following me into the cave. It’s bigger than I expected. I look about and thankfully notice the absence of any panthers. “Wow…” I turn around and look toward the entrance. It isn’t just raining – it looks like a flood of almost biblical proportions is coming our way. Or maybe I just forgot what it’s like to be caught up in a storm.

“You attract trouble, you know that, Barnes?” Wilson seems upset he got wet. “This shirt is brand new! I actually like it.”

“It’ll dry.” The guy desperately needs a reality check. “Looks like we’re stuck here.” I move a bit closer to the entrance of the cave and don’t like what I’m seeing. That’s one hell of a storm out there and a lot of water comes pouring down the hillside. The cave is situated below ground level, and if it continues to rain like that, we’ll get wet feet. I move deeper into the cave and search for a way out. There are several corridors leading away from the cave, but I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnels. That’s bad. 

“What are you doing?”

Suddenly Wilson is close and he practically breaths those words down my neck. I jump and stop myself from punching him in the gut. “Don’t do that. Don’t sneak up on me.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose, geeze!” 

He actually sounds offended. Why did I have to end up stuck in here with HIM? “I can’t always control my actions. Sneaking up on me like that will get you killed.” 

“You’d never get that close to me! I can hold my own!”

I give up. I tried to warn the guy, but he’s too stubborn for his own good.

“So what are you doing?”

I count to ten and pray for patience. I might end up hitting him after all. “This cave will get flooded if it continues to rain like that. I’m looking for a way out.” At that, Wilson looks outside and finally seems to realize the threat. 

“You may be right.”

Admitting that must be hard on him. “We have several options here, but I don’t know where these tunnels are headed.”

“Hold on.” Wilson uncovers his cell phone. “I have reception. It’s weak, but..” While he tries to make a call, I continue to study those tunnels. We need to get higher so we’re safe from the water. 

“Hey, Tony, it’s me. Yeah, I know I shouldn’t call except in case of an emergency, well, this is one!”

I grow impatient waiting for him to finish up. The first water is moving into the cave. 

“We’re stuck and it’s really bad out here. The thunderstorm… What? What thunderstorm? You need to get out of that lab more! We’re stuck in that cave… You know the statue of the panther? Barnes wanted to check it out. What? Why is this my fault? He wanted to go there…” Wilson then stares at his display and curses. “Fuck, not now!” 

“It went dead?” I’m surprised the connection lasted as long as it did. “We need to get moving. That water is heading our way.” Wilson looks at the entrance and nods. “Let’s go.” I don’t check if he’s following me. That’s his decision. I won’t blame him if he decides to head into another tunnel. Suddenly there’s a loud noise behind me. 

“Fuck!” 

“What?” I turn around and realize Wilson stumbled and the loose earth made him slide down a small slope. 

“I tripped!”

“You need to watch where you’re going!” I head back, lower myself into the pit, and wait for him to get to his feet. 

“I don’t have night vision!” Wilson suddenly looks up at me. “Do you?”

“I see enough.” It doesn’t matter to me if it is light or dark. I see perfectly – a part of Hydra’s accursed legacy. “What’s wrong?” Now that he isn’t moving, I grab his arm and help him up. Wilson tries to muffle the sound, but I hear his groan. “What happened?” He appears to be in pain.

“Don’t know. My leg hurts.”

“Don’t tell me you wrecked your foot. Can you put some weight on it?” 

“I can, but it freaking hurts!”

Wilson doesn’t strike me as someone who whines over nothing. I lower him back onto the rocks and kneel. I run my fingers down his leg and ankle. “It doesn’t seem broken. You must have twisted it.” But I can’t be sure as I’m no medic. Looking about, I locate several branches. I remove my shirt, rip the fabric into stripes, and use the material to construct an improvised splint. Wilson hisses, and I feel guilty about inflicting even more pain. “Come on.” I wrap my arm around his waist and help him along. I fight to restore my sense of balance, which is off again now that I carry most of Wilson’s weight too. Behind us an ominous sound travels down the tunnel. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“I can do this on my own. You need to scout ahead.”

“No, I’m not leaving you. No one gets left behind.” It might not be Hydra chasing after us, but I refuse to leave Wilson on his own. The tunnel takes a turn to the right and we’re suddenly climbing steps. “Slow down,” I caution Wilson. “Or you’ll end up with another injury. How did you survive the last few fights?”

“Shut up! I never get hurt! You’re the trouble magnet here!”

As long as he’s yelling at me, he’s fighting. I can tell he’s in pain; he just won’t admit it. Suddenly the path stops and we face a wall. I can see more steps higher up. “We need to climb.”

“You can’t be serious! I’m not wrecking my outfit.”

“Shut up.” If only I had duct tape, I would know what to do with it. “We’re going to climb that wall. There are more stairs higher up.” I understand that he doesn’t want to do this, considering his injury, but we don’t have a choice.

“And how do you plan on doing that, genius? You only have one arm.” Wilson’s breathing is growing labored due to the pain he’s in.

“Yours work perfectly so stop whining. Wrap your right arm around my neck.” The look Wilson gives me is almost comical. “I’m burrowing your left arm.”

“You aren’t going to rip it off, are you?”

I’m relieved he’s still capable of pestering me. It’s his way to deal with the pain he’s in. I play along and humor him, so I roll my eyes back. “If only I could…” It shuts him up. “Now do it. Grab hold of me.” Wilson finally complies. “Hold on with your right arm and use your left to pull us up. I’ll do the rest.” 

“You’re nuts.” 

His tone is a mix of disbelief and exhaustion. His pain must be getting worse. Maybe he’s more gravely injured than I thought. “Steve used to say exactly the same thing. You’ll learn to live with it eventually.” It takes some time to get used to climbing this way, but we quickly figure it out. It works better than I had hoped and it takes us ten minutes to reach the plateau above us. Beneath us, water begins rushing in. We escaped just in time. I lower Wilson onto the ground and look him over. “How are you doing?”

“In shock and awe of what we just did. No, seriously, I can handle it. The leg is rather numb at the moment.”

I’m not sure I believe him, but it might be true. “Numb isn’t good.” But I can’t do a thing about it. “Now what?” Looking about, I realize the plateau isn’t just rock. It’s a small lake, and at the other side of it, I see daylight. We’ll have to cross it. 

“Maybe we should wait it out. We’re safe here.” 

Wilson sounds tired. I hope he’s not going to faint on me. “I don’t agree. What if the water keeps rising? We need to get out of here.”

“What happened to you, Barnes?” Wilson’s voice shows his surprise. “Is this the same guy who just wanted to sit on that bench and hide from the world?”

“Contrary to what you think, I want to live.” I’m a survivor, I always have been. “I refuse to drown in here after I finally got away from Hydra.” And found Steve again. I have so much left to fight for. “You can swim, can’t you?”

“Yes,” Wilson confirms. “But I can’t move my leg. It might pull me under. And I can’t see a fucking thing!”

I tend to forget that his vision isn’t as good as mine. I mentally review my options and come to a decision. “We’ll cross that lake now. There’s daylight, so there’s a way out.” Wilson stares out over the lake and I read the doubt in his eyes. 

“I’m not sure I can make it, man.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll get you across.” I help him to his feet and lower him into the water. Thankfully the water isn’t cold. 

“I don’t want to do this!” 

“That’s too bad for you because we ARE doing this. The only thing you need to do is to hold on to me.” Wilson wraps an arm around my waist and I start to swim. The fact that I’m missing an arm annoys me as it slows us down. Wilson does the best he can, and after some time we reach the other side of the water. I pull him out and look about. “I can see a way out.” And it doesn’t involve climbing. “Let’s see if you can walk.”

Wilson curses beneath his breath, using a combination of swear words I never heard before. I don’t comment on it. It’s becoming apparent that he can longer put any weight on his leg, so I half carry, half drag him along. “See?” I point at the opening in the wall.

Wilson sighs in relief, realizing we’re close to safety. The opening isn’t that big, but big enough. Looking outside, I realize we’re high enough. We’re safe from the water here. “Do you think you’re within range again?”

“Not sure… Not sure my phone is water proof either.” 

I lower Wilson back onto the ground and sit down next to him. I watch him trying to make his phone work and he curses again. The display’s working, but that it’s it. 

“It must be the storm,” he mutters displeased. 

“Then we’ll have to wait. Steve will find us.” Wilson remains quiet and I’m fine with that. I like him being quiet. That precious silence only lasts about a minute though.

“You know…” Wilson pauses, “I was just a tiny bit jealous of you.”

I can’t believe he actually said that and I stare at him in wonder. “Jealous? Of me?” How in hell can anyone be jealous of me? Everyone’s life is better compared to mine!

“I used to be Cap’s best friend and then you showed up.”

“Did you really say that?” I turn toward him. “You’re out of your mind!”

“I know that. It’s not logical, but I was jealous.”

I merely shake my head at him. “Steve’s not like that. He doesn’t dump or neglect his friends. They are important to him. YOU are important to him. Don’t cut yourself short.” I’m still trying to understand how he can be jealous of me. 

“I just want you to know that things have changed. I’m fine with you hanging out with us. I’m sorry that I was kinda rough on you at the beginning. These days, I would move my seat up.”

He grins and it is contagious, I catch myself chuckling too. “That’s good to know.”

“I’m sorry about…”

“Be quiet…” I hear something. I raise my hand and Wilson shuts up. It’s an odd sound. Not like a plane or a helicopter. “Stay here. Don’t get up.” Wilson nods and I move toward the opening. I carefully search the sky. It’s still rough out there, but the thunderstorm itself has died. In the distance I make out a familiar form. “Fuck.”

“What is it?” 

“Stark…” But no, it’s Iron Man, which worries me. The last time we fought he wanted me dead. No matter what Stark said and did for me, I still remain suspicious. If he wants to finish me off, this is the perfect moment. Steve isn’t around and I doubt Wilson will betray Stark. So what do I do?

“Then we’re saved. Thank God!”

I don’t share that sentiment, but I can’t run and hide either. Wilson is injured and I’m responsible for him. I need to get him home in one piece. “Hand me your phone.”

“But it’s not working.”

“It doesn’t need to.” Knowing Stark, he’ll be scanning for anything odd. I switch it on, hoping Stark will notice the energy source. All I can do now is wait and hope Iron Man isn’t going to finish what he started in Siberia.

ooooooooooooooooo

Stark’s moving in on us so I’m confident he located us. “We should get you into safety first.” Wilson stopped talking and that worries me. He wouldn’t willingly pass up an opportunity to make fun of me. “Are you still with me?” I sit on my heels in front of him and dislike what I’m seeing. He doesn’t look well.

“I’m fine… Just tired. Don’t worry… I never thought I’d see the day that you’re worried about me.” Wilson offers me a tired smile. 

“The two of you just love to make my life difficult, don’t you?” Iron Man lands and Stark’s mask slides away to reveal his face. He looks terribly relieved. 

Now that Stark arrived I grow tense. His true colors will show shortly, but I assume he’ll want Wilson out of danger first. “He’s wounded. Maybe a broken leg, I can’t be sure.”

“Not another! First Rhodey goes down and now another flyboy bites the dust.” Stark kneels next to Wilson and gathers him in his arms. “We’ll have you safe and sound with the doctors ASAP.” Stark gives Wilson a reassuring smile. “It’s a good thing I brought an Iron Man suit along! I’m taking you flying, birdsuit!”

“Just shut up, Stark.” Wilson bites onto his bottom lip, making it bleed in the process. “What about Barnes? Are you getting him out too?”

“Of course I am! Cap would have my hide if I didn’t, but let’s look after you first.” The mask moves back in place, obscuring his face. “I’ll be back,” he says and takes off.

Relieved, I slide down the wall. Wilson’s on his way back home and I’m momentarily safe. We’ll see what happens when Stark gets back. Now that the adrenaline’s wearing off, my shoulder starts acting up. Getting the wound exposed to water was probably a mistake, but I didn’t have a choice. I seem fine otherwise, except for this exhaustion crawling into my bones. I reacted on instinct and didn’t think it over. I just had to get us into safety. 

“Honey, I’m back,” Stark announces as he lands in front of me. “You look like hell, Barnes.”

At least he isn’t trying to kill me – yet. “I’m fine.” I don’t look forward to Stark flying me out. He can easily drop me from a high altitude. Without my arm, I might not survive such a fall. Although, the last time I survived too, probably thanks to Zola’s serum. 

“So how are we going to do this? Are you fine with me flying you out?” 

I appreciate Stark asking me that. “I don’t have a choice, do I?”

“You can wait for the rescue troops to get here, but that might take some time. There’s been some major flooding, as you already discovered.”

I get to my feet and wait for Stark to grab hold. I’d never willingly put my life in someone’s hands, but if someone is entitled to end my life it’s Stark. 

“Let’s do this, Barnes.” 

Stark wraps an arm around my waist and takes me up with him. I wonder what he’s thinking. If he drops me now, I’ll smash to pieces on the rocks below us. I might stand a chance if I hit the lake instead.

“You’re awfully quiet. I hope you’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking!”

I sigh and look at the guy, well, the mask that is. “And what’s that?”

“About me dropping you to your death.”

“Are you considering it?” Maybe challenging him isn’t the best way to handle this, but I need to know.

“Nope,” Stark replies at once. “I consider you a part of the team and I would never do that to a teammate.” 

Since when am I a part of the team? I doubt I’ll ever understand Stark. 

“Welcome to the Avengers, old-timer.”

“I’m not that old. I just spent a lot of time in cryo.” 

“Well, now we’re discussing details and we can do that later. First I should drop you off. Someone’s very eager to see you.”

Oh, yes, Steve. He won’t be pleased I managed to get myself into trouble. We’re touching down and Steve’s already marching toward me. His face shows an odd mix of concern and irritation. Stark steps away from me the moment we land and the coward leaves me to face Steve’s wrath on my own.

“What do you think you were doing, Buck? You’re supposed to rest, not get into the middle of a thunderstorm and a flood!” Steve glares, but then relief settles in. “Damn, I’m happy to have you back!”

Suddenly he grabs me, pulls me into his arms, and holds me so tight I have trouble breathing. “Steve, I need to breathe!” He loosens his hold, but only marginally. “I’m fine! Don’t do this!” Not in front of the rest. Stark is grinning, Romanoff is studying her fingernails, and T’challa merely looks relieved. Clint nods his head, looking impressed. I wonder what Wilson told them.

“Sam told us bits and pieces, but I want to hear the whole story from you too. Not now, we need to get you inside, warm, and safe first.”

“Steve, you’re overreacting.” He’s making me blush. “I didn’t do anything special.”

“I beg to differ,” T’challa comments. “I know those caves. They are almost impossible to navigate or escape from.”

Not him too! “Can’t we forget about this? I just want some clean clothes, maybe a bath, and a bed.”

“And we should check on your shoulder,” Stark says as he walks up to me. “It’s not supposed to get wet.”

I’ll drop by his lab tomorrow, if that gets him off my back. “Not tonight, I’m beat.”

“Sure… Get some rest.” 

Stark gestures the others to follow him and finally I’m alone with Steve. “I did nothing special!” I repeat upon seeing the awe-struck expression on his face. “I just got us out! We were about to drown and I had to do something!”

“You did great. I worried about you. I thought that maybe you would give up. You’re so lethargic at times.”

“I do not have a death wish, Steve, I don’t!” At last he releases me from that crushing hold. “Just let it go.” 

“Come on, let’s go home.”

He takes hold of my hand instead and twines our fingers. I can’t stay angry with him and he knows it. “How’s Sam?”

“Ah, it’s Sam now?” Steve wiggles an eyebrow. “His leg is fractured in two different places. He’ll have to wear a cast for the next few weeks, but it’s nothing that won’t heal.”

“I didn’t think it was that bad. I assumed he had twisted his ankle, but then again, I have no medical skills.” I follow Steve into the building and am relieved I got off easy. I’m tired and want to lie down for a bit. 

“You saved his life, Buck. If you had stayed put in that cave you would have drowned. You got him out. He knows that.”

“He’s going to be even more annoying after this.” But I’ll deal with it. “Stark was acting odd too.”

“In what way?” 

Steve opens the door and I head straight for the bedroom. That bed looks very inviting and I sit down. I let myself fall back and sigh now that the mattress is cradling my body. I’m about to close my eyes when Steve tugs at my shoes, removes my socks, and then starts on my slacks. “Don’t.” I try to kick him, but my heart is not into it. I just want peace and quiet. 

“In what way was Tony acting odd?” 

I allow Steve to pull me upright again so he can also remove my shirt. I can do it myself, but I can’t be bothered. I’m too lazy. “He welcomed me to the team. And he called me an old-timer.” Steve finally leaves me in peace and I roll myself into the comforter. Ah, this is heaven. 

“I’m glad to hear it. Wow, these still work!”

I open one eye to find out what he’s talking about and realize he’s checking on the glasses. “Maybe they’re waterproof.” I’m tired to the bone and I pull a pillow into my arms. It carries Steve’s scent. “Switch on the recording, will you?” I close my eyes, press deeper into the mattress, and give into this all consuming exhaustion. 

Steve switches on the recording and hearing the rain fall soothes me. I like that sound much better than that of a thunderstorm. The last thing I notice before falling asleep is Steve kissing my brow and tucking the comforter around me.

ooooooooooooo

“You still seem upset,” T’challa comments as he sits down on the couch. “Everything ended well. Sergeant Barnes proved he functions well under stress.”

“He almost gave me a heart attack!” Instead of my normal beer, I opt for a shot of whiskey. I’m not much of a drinker, as alcohol has no effect on me, but I like the way the liquid burns down my throat. “I had no idea they had ventured that far into the jungle!”

“You cannot watch him every minute of the day.” T’challa seems less concerned. “Everything ended well.”

“Yes, but…” I shake my head in exasperation. “He was in danger!”

“And he got himself out of said danger.” T’challa sips from his tea. “Maybe Sergeant Barnes isn’t as helpless as you thought?”

“I have to admit it. I was afraid he’d given up. From what Sam told me, Buck took charge and didn’t hesitate to get them into safety. Bucky used to be like that. We saved each other’s life too many times to count.”

“I owe you an apology,” Nat says as she walks into the living room. She looks rather guilty. “I promised to keep an eye on him.”

“If anyone should apologize it is I, as I lured Miss Romanoff away from her charge,” T’challa says in an equally guilty voice.

“Well, love does that – makes you act like that, I mean.” Both of them give me a surprised look. Haven’t they figured it out yet? Ah, well, they will. “Don’t worry about it. Bucky does what Bucky wants; it’s always been like that. When we were kids he dragged me along to every amusement park in the vicinity and forced me onto these insane rides with him. We had fun though. Even though he threw up more than once.” Those are fond memories.

“I don’t need a fucking wheel chair, I can walk!”

I quickly walk over to Sam. “Keep your voice down, he’s asleep.” Clint pushes the wheelchair and Sam’s obviously pissed about the whole situation. 

“Steve, I’m so sorry, but he wanted to see that cave and I couldn’t let him go there alone, so I tagged along, and then all hell broke loose! The rain –“ 

“Sam,” I interrupt him. “I don’t blame you. It happened. No one’s too blame.” Sam looks relieved; he probably assumed I was mad with him. “How’s the leg?”

“I’ll be stuck with this cast for five weeks, man! Five!”

“Be glad it’s only five weeks,” Clint comments. “It could be worse.”

“True,” Sam concedes. “Still, it’s annoying.”

“How is Barnes doing?” Tony is the last one to join us. He pours himself some coffee and sits next down next to me. “I don’t see him about.”

“He was tired and fell asleep the moment he got home.” I hand him the glasses. “They got exposed to the water, but still seem to work. You might want to check on them.”

“I will, and how’s his shoulder?”

“Fuck, his shoulder!” Sam’s eyes grow big. “I didn’t think about that, but it got wet, didn’t he?”

“I don’t think he’s in pain,” I say after thinking it over. “He’s just very tired.”

“I’ll check on him in the morning. Just let him sleep. You did switch on that recording?”

“Yes, Tony, I did. I’ll check on him in a second.”

“Then go, what are you waiting for? I’m not leaving until you do.” Tony quickly downs his coffee.

“You should get some sleep too, Tony. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“I have a new project. Sleep is a waste of time. I’ll sleep when this is over.”

Realizing Tony won’t leave until I check on Bucky, I walk into the bedroom. Tony follows me at once, and I let him. “See, he’s sound asleep.” Bucky is still hugging that pillow and lost to his dreams. “No nightmares.”

“He’s probably too exhausted for that. He’s still recovering and getting them into safety wore him out. He’ll be fine. I’ll come back in the morning to see what we can do about restoring his arm.”

“Thanks, Tony. I appreciate it.” Tony leaves, and I sit down on the bed to stroke Bucky’s hair away from his face. “Sleep tight.” I press a feather light kiss onto his hair and then join the group in the living room again.

oooooooooooo

I wake up some time later, and at first, I’m not sure why. Then my stomach growls rather loudly, reminding me that I missed several meals. Seriously, I woke up because I’m hungry? That’s a first. Looks like I need to eat if I want to go back to sleep later. I want to get up, but find myself entangled in the comforter. I struggle with the damn thing until it finally admits defeat. After getting to my feet, I make my way over to the doorway. I’m light-headed, but it’s nothing serious; I’ll manage. 

I curse at hearing several voices coming from the living room. I need to get passed it in order to reach the kitchen. They’ll see me and will want to talk to me. I need to be sneaky about it. I keep to one side of the corridor and almost reached my target when Sam gives me away.

“Buck, my man!”

Fuck. I draw in a deep breath, give him my deadliest glare, and continue toward the kitchen. I refuse to let them distract me. As expected, it takes Steve only a few seconds to reach my side. 

“What are you doing out of bed?” Steve asks in concern.

“I’m hungry!” That should explain it. Steve chuckles and gestures for me to sit down at the kitchen table. 

“You could have yelled. I would have gotten you something to eat.”

“I’m not an invalid; I can fix my own meal.” I’m grouchy and don’t care. 

“I love seeing the old you, Buck. Grumpy as always when you’re just awake. I vividly recall that charming character trait.” 

I give him my patented glare, but unfortunately it doesn’t work on Steve. He became immune to it a long time ago. 

“Bucky, my hero! Let me shake your hand and thank you.”

Why again did I save that guy? Now he’s back to being a pain in the ass. “So you’re stuck in a wheelchair?” At least I’m no longer the odd man out. Now Sam has to deal with a handicap too. 

“Buck, what do you want to eat?” Steve asks, ready to get started.

Why is he giving me that look? “I don’t care. Surprise me.” I still have a hard time around food. With Hydra I ate what they gave me. Now that I’m allowed to make my own decisions, I feel lost. There’s just too much food to choose from.

“If I remember correctly, you love steak.”

I nod. I do love a good steak. “Do you also have peas?” I love peas. My mum would add butter and sugar to them and those peas tasted like a little bit of heaven.

“Ah, yes, I remember that too. Like your mum made them.” 

Steve gets busy, which means Sam gets his chance to pester me. He manages to maneuver his wheelchair into the kitchen and pushes one of the chairs away so he can also sit at the kitchen table. Both Steve and Sam keep eyeing me. They share the same diabolical grin and I wonder what trouble I’m in. “What?” I demand at long last.

“You’ve changed.” Sam nods repeatedly. “When we first got here, you were quiet, moody, and depressed. But now…”

He might be on to something. I feel different. I can’t name it, but I’ve changed. He’s right about that. “What, you don’t like it?”

“Oh, I like it – very much actually. Bullying you is way more fun when you react to it.”

I need to remember that. Sam keeps watching me, so I watch Steve instead. Maybe Sam will get the hint and leave. The steak is sizzling away in the pan and I do my utmost not to drool. “Where did you get that?” 

“T’challa keeps the fridge stocked in case we get hungry. Comes in handy.” Steve puts the peas in a pan and I can’t wait for the food to be ready. I never reacted like this before. But then again, Hydra’s food was bland and functional. It didn’t matter what it tasted like.

“Want some milk?” 

Apparently he remembers I like milk too. “Sure, I’d love some.” I remember the first time I had some when I was hiding in Bucharest. It brought back so many memories that I spent the rest of that day writing in my journals. And those were good memories, featuring my family and Steve. It’s all in the one journal Stark let me keep. Steve puts a glass of milk in front of me and I sip from it. I suppress the urge to drink it all in one go.

“Someone’s thirsty!”

I almost forgot about Wilson, but now he reminds me of his charming presence again. “Don’t you have places to go? Things to do?”

“Yeah, thanks to you I still get the chance to do that! You’re my hero now!”

I can’t tell how much is pestering and how much truth. In the end, it doesn’t matter, as Steve puts a plate in front of me. He already cut the meat into smaller chunks, so I don’t have to give that any thought. Just having one arm sucks. “I want my arm back,” I sigh, unsure confiding in them is the smart thing to do. “I’d even go with a normal prosthetic. I miss being able to hold things, and do certain things like cutting my meat.”

“Tony’s already working on that. You’ll get your arm back. Just be patient.” 

Steve sits down and watches me eat. Can’t he look at Sam instead? “So why gather in the living room?” Hopefully that question will redirect their attention so I can enjoy my steak and peas in peace. 

“Well,” Steve starts, getting himself a glass of milk too, “Nat feels guilty for a start.”

“Why?” I manage in-between bites. The steak is amazing. I tried to cook a little in Bucharest, but I suck at it. It’s great to eat real food again.

“Because she left you alone with Sam. She promised me so would keep an eye on you.”

“That’s crap. Wilson here was already babysitting me.”

“And look where that got you!” Steve gives Sam the evil eye. 

“Hey, I thought I was forgiven!” Sam defensively raises his arms.

“It wasn’t Sam’s fault,” I come to his defense. “I wanted to see that cave and then that weather happened.”

“Still, I should have stayed close,” Romanoff says, lingering near the doorway. 

“Don’t feel bad about it.” I too would feel guilty if I was in her shoes, but she can’t change the past. “Best to let it go.”

“Thanks,” Romanoff whispers and smiles weakly. 

These days I feel ill-equipped to deal with women. Everything has changed. 

“Come on, Sam, I’ll get you home. I don’t want you to get lost and break something!” Clint moves over to Sam and starts to wheel him toward the doorway. 

It’s good riddance as far as I’m concerned. I finish the steak, enjoy the last of the peas, and down everything with the rest of the milk. That was a great meal. Suddenly Stark joins us and walks over to Romanoff. I don’t like the way he’s whispering into her ear. Romanoff doesn’t seem to agree, but in the end she gives in. One thing Hydra taught me was how to perfectly read someone’s body language when they’re about to attack. I need to be careful. Steve refills my glass and I wrap my fingers around it. It makes a good weapon if necessary. 

“I asked Nat to translate some stuff for me. I do suck at Russian. It’s a hard language.” 

Why is Stark telling me that? I exchange a look with Steve, but he’s busy searching the fridge, probably looking for dessert. 

“She enjoys being my teacher way too much. She even threatened to ground me. Come on then, test me.”

What the hell is going on? I don’t know why but I feel on edge. Romanoff speaks and the hair at the back of my neck stands rigid. What are they doing? They can’t be serious! I recall Stark telling me that those killing words no longer affect me, but I don’t believe that.

“I know that one!” Stark exclaims victoriously. “It means longing!”

“Stop it, you fool, stop it!” They can’t be doing this! But Romanoff speaks again and I start to shake all over.

“That’s way too easy! Rusted!” 

The way Romanoff looks at me tells me that she’d rather not do this. “Stop it,” I tell her. “You don’t want to do this.” But then she continues and I stare at her in shock. “Don’t do this!”

“Don’t know why I know that word, but I do! It’s furnace.”

“Steve, stop this!” If I can’t make Stark and Romanoff stop, Steve has to talk some sense into them instead.

“Guys,” Steve says, but way too hesitantly for my taste. 

Romanoff looks me straight in the eye when she clearly pronounces the next word. It’s daybreak; it’s the word that usually robs me of my sanity. It’s the first word to bring out Hydra’s Winter Soldier in me. “Please stop!”

“Tony, don’t.” But Steve doesn’t seem serious about it and Stark knows it. 

Stark grins at Romanoff and translates the next word. “Seventeen.”

The bastard knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s screwing with my mind! Before I can protest again, Romanoff quickly finishes the sequence, throwing all the remaining words right at me at once. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I can’t believe they did that!

“Someone’s in shock,” Stark states amused. “Barnes, don’t give me the evil eye. This needed to be done.”

And then it hits me. I’m still me. I’m not tearing the place apart or trying to kill them. I’m mad with them for pulling this trick on me, but I’m still in control. Shocked, I stare at Steve and realize he trusted me not to change. “I can’t believe this.”

“You had to experience it for yourself in order to believe.” Stark leans back in his chair and nods his head repeatedly. “Do you believe me now when I say that Hydra doesn’t have a hold on you any longer? I can restore your arm without you having to panic about going insane again.”

So that’s what this is all about? I’m still upset and find it hard to calm down. “You risked your lives just now.” Stark’s manipulation could have cost them dearly.

“Nah,” Stark replies and grins. “We already know that you’re harmless. No risk at all.”

I’m still mad with them. I glare at Steve. “Why didn’t you stop them?”

Steve shrugs apologetically. “You didn’t react to those words the other day. I have no reason to assume that they would trigger the Winter Soldier this time around.”

“Still, you shouldn’t have done that.” My heart’s still racing like mad. Steve’s hand settles on my shoulder and he moves behind me, pulling me against his chest. For once, I don’t fucking care who’s watching. 

“Sorry about that.” Romanoff does sound apologetic. “But I agree with Tony. You would never willingly expose yourself to those words, and in order for you to move on, you need to know Hydra’s conditioning no longer works.”

She’s probably right; I would never have agreed to this. Steve wraps an arm around me and holds me close. Wasn’t getting stuck in a flooded cave enough excitement for one day? “You could have waited another day.”

“Nope,” Tony objects. “You would have been way more alert tomorrow. Now you’re so damn tired you never thought of making us shut up.”

He’s right again. Stopping them in a physical way never occurred to me. I don’t want to hurt anyone ever again. I’m done inflicting pain. “Just stop screwing with my mind.” I’m sick and tired of that.

“We’re doing it in order to help.” Steve whispers before hugging me even tighter.

“Just give me a day or two to recover.” Everything is happening too quickly. Stark looks to Steve and I’m quite sure Steve’s nodding. “Just one or two days in which I can rest. Get some sleep.” It feels like I’ve been on a rollercoaster ride ever since Steve found me in Bucharest.

“I’ll see what I can do.” Stark finishes checking on the glasses. “They’re waterproof, by the way, but I do suggest keeping them dry.” He puts them in front of me on the table. “Wear them tonight or you won’t get a minute’s sleep. Your brain has a lot to process.”

“I will.” I am desperate for more, undisturbed sleep. 

“We’ll have a look at your shoulder tomorrow.” Stark gets to his feet. “It’s not troubling you, so it should be fine.”

“My shoulder’s fine.” I pause, “but it feels like my arm’s still there. I close my hand and expect to be holding something, and then I realize the arm’s gone.”

“They created new neural pathways. As far as your brain is concerned, your arm is still there. We’ll fix it tomorrow.” Stark moves over to the doorway and Romanoff follows him out.

I do hope we’re alone now. “They drive me mad.”

“They mean well.”

Steve pulls me to my feet and I turn toward him. “Can we turn in? I’m so fucking tired.”

“Sure, if that’s what you want.” Steve wraps an arm around my waist and walks me to the bedroom. “Want to use the bathroom first or head straight for bed?”

“Bed, definitely.” I curl up on my side and hope Steve will join me. 

“Put these on.” 

Realizing doing as I’m told is in my best interest, I put the glasses back on. Steve switches on the recording and curls himself around me. “Get some sleep,” I tell him. “You look knackered too.”

“That’s from worrying about you.” 

I believe him. “Don’t. I’m not abandoning you. Ever.”

“I know that.” 

His fingers move through my hair and Steve kisses me, gently and slowly. It makes me smile. “Love you,” I whisper as I close my eyes. “Sorry, tired.” I want to stay awake, but I can’t. That little adventure exhausted me.

“I love you too, Bucky. I always have and always will.”

Those words accompany me into sleep, and I know they’ll bring me sweet dreams.

00000000000

“What are you doing?”

I curse beneath my breath because I woke up Steve. That hadn’t been the plan. “Go back to sleep. It’s still early.” Kissing him still feels unreal. I had long abandoned any hope that I ever would be able to express my love for him. All those years spent as Hydra’s prisoner never made me forget him though. In the end, I always remembered I loved him. 

“Where are you going? Come back here.”

Steve is reluctant to let me go. “Just going for a walk. I need some fresh air.”

“I can tag along,” Steve immediately suggests. 

I can tell he’s still sleepy though. “You don’t have to. I can do with some alone time. Go back to sleep. I’ll be back before you know it.” I kiss his lips again and move out of reach before he can kiss me back. I really need to visit Stark’s lab so he can check on my shoulder. That way I can spend the rest of the day with Steve and I don’t have to worry about Stark seeking me out instead. “Sweet dreams.” I really do love him. Steve smiles and nods before closing his eyes again. I’m glad he didn’t fight me on this. Maybe he realizes I occasionally need some time on my own just like he does.

I grab some sweatpants and a t-shirt and quickly change into them. In the back of the wardrobe I find a pair sneakers which fit. Heading out alone is something I need to get used to. Until now, Steve accompanied me most of the time, and I need to get comfortable with doing things on my own again. I can’t continue to use him as a crutch. 

I take several wrong turns before I end up in the research section. I head for the lab which produces the most noise. That must be Stark’s. I pause, draw in a deep breath, and step into the lab. I still find it hard to be around Stark. The guy pulled through each time since he showed up in Wakanda, but I don’t trust easy. Stepping inside, I sweep the room for Stark and freeze. Gooseflesh forms all over my body and I find it hard to breathe. I panic and want to run away, but my body remains frozen. I stare at the machine standing in the centre of the room, casting an ominous shadow onto the wall behind it. Remembered pain slides through me and it feels like I’m confined to that chair all over again. I double over, scream, and end up on my knees. That diabolical contraption can’t be here, but it is! Why?

“Fuck, no!”

Suddenly Stark closes in on me. I want to run away, but I am frozen in place. I can’t move. Just like I couldn’t move back then. “No… please…” I can’t stop whimpering. “Please don’t do this.” I don’t want to live through that pain again. I’m not sure I’ll survive the ordeal, knowing what my life can be like with Steve in it. “Please, don’t!” I’m not above begging at this point. 

“Calm down, Barnes. Nothing bad is going to happen. You’re safe with me. Nothing bad is going to happen. You’re safe.”

I have no idea why he’s lying. I’m not safe. He’s going to plug me into that machine like Hydra did. Wouldn’t that be his ultimate revenge? To make me suffer indefinitely? Hydra stopped the procedure once the Winter Soldier was firmly in place, Stark can prolong it as long as he wants. I don’t want to lose Steve. I don’t want to lose myself. I’d rather die. “Just kill me. Please, just end it.”

“No one’s going to hurt you, but someone else is definitely in trouble. I told them to make sure you didn’t come in here. I didn’t want you to know that the machine was here. I’m studying it.”

Stark’s calm and steady voice slowly gets through to me. It’s like fighting my way back from a swamp that continues to drag me under. I concentrate on the voice, as that is all there is. I cling to it. The next thing I grow aware of is hands resting on my shoulders. Someone’s holding me, trying to make contact, but I know it isn’t Steve. His touch is different.

“Come on, Barnes, Buck, don’t do this to me. You made so much progress. You need to fight this. Don’t give into the fear.”

That’s easy for him to say. I make sure I don’t accidentally look at the monstrosity and focus on Stark instead. I’m still trembling and I can’t breathe properly. 

“Calm down. You’re fine. You’re safe. You’re with me.” Stark smiles at me. “I’ll be your blessed protector now that Steve isn’t around. Why isn’t he around to begin with? I’m going to kicks his ass for not watching you.”

Stark’s constant babbling provides me with an anchor and I hold on tight.

“That’s better. Now don’t look at it. Don’t even think about it. Let’s get you more comfortable. That’s a nice looking chair over there, comfortable too!”

I gratefully grab on when he helps me up from the floor. I still feel disorientated. Merely knowing Hydra’s machine is in the same room with me makes me physically ill. 

“Yes, that’s better. Comfortable? I should probably get Akachi in here. I’m no doctor.” 

Stark is moving about, but I concentrate on his voice instead. I need it in order to block out the screams in my mind. Memories keep rushing back in; I remember screaming myself hoarse, but no one ever listened. No one ever cared about the pain I was in. All Hydra cared about was their Winter Soldier performing to perfection. 

“Barnes, can you hear me? You’re worrying me, and I don’t worry easily. Talk to me.”

I still can’t suppress the tremors shaking my body, but I manage to raise my head and look at him. It’s like watching him through a haze. I know it’s Stark, but everything is blurred.

“Akachi will be here any moment now; he’ll know what to do. What were you thinking barging in here like that?”

I’m not sure I recovered enough to speak, but I try anyway. “My shoulder… You wanted to check on it.” My voice sounds odd, raspy and tired. I don’t feel well. My heart is pounding and I’m dizzy. 

“I planned on dropping by sometime today. I didn’t expect you to be awake this early. Did you at least get some decent sleep last night?”

My breathing finally slows down and my hands stop shaking. Stark’s question helps me to focus again. “Yes, I did… Everything was fine.”

“Until you sneaked out on Cap,” Stark comments and moves his chair closer to mine. “Feeling any better?”

I nod, knowing damn well I’ve got Stark to thank for that. The guy remained calm and didn’t panic. Sudden commotion near the doorway causes me to look that way. Please don’t let it be Steve! Thankfully it’s only Akachi.

“What happened?” The physician moves toward me and studies me.

“Sergeant Barnes had a panic attack. We need you to make sure he suffered no lasting damage.”

“I didn’t have a panic attack!” Even if I did, I don’t want to hear it. Akachi reaches for my wrist and checks my pulse. “I’m fine.”

“Maybe you’re fine NOW, but you look awfully pale. What caused this panic attack?” Akachi asks as he continues to check me over.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I can’t talk about it. Talking about it confirms the machine is really here at the facility. 

“Not now,” Stark agrees to my utter relief, but then he adds, “But soon.”

“You should get some rest. I can’t find anything wrong with you at the moment,” Akachi says, “but you need to slow down.” 

After that, he moves away, but stays in the room. He seems to busy himself with some of Stark’s material, but I think he’s faking it. He’s staying close in case I break down again. “I can’t look at it,” I tell Stark. Please don’t make me face that machine.

“Then don’t. Do you want me to take you back? Steve is probably worried.”

“No,” I say after a moment’s thought. I came here for a reason and Hydra no longer dictates my life. I refuse to give them that much power over me. Never again! “I want you to check on my shoulder. That’s why I’m here.” Stark holds my gaze longer than necessary, but then nods. I’m relieved he agrees. I doubt I have the energy necessary to convince him if he had objected. 

“Fine, you’re the boss. I have to remove this though.”

He slips the protective cap off my shoulder and I look at the wall instead. I don’t want to see the mess my shoulder currently is. The odd sensation in it still unbalances me. “It feels like my arm’s still there. Can you shut that off?”

“Why would I want to do that?” 

Stark shakes his head. He doesn’t touch the shoulder; he merely runs several gadgets along it. I’m relieved there’s no pain. “Because it’s confusing.”

“Well, if you want your arm restored, me dabbling with your neuro circuits to shut it down is really not advisable. If you can, try to live with it. I’ve been studying your arm and Hydra’s data on it. I’m confident I can restore it and get it to function again. I assume you want that?”

I consider it. “I’m not crazy about restoring the arm. I can do so much damage with it. But I also want to watch Steve’s back when he’s out there fighting and then having my arm back will help.”

“Ah, so you plan on being an active member!” Stark sounds pleased.

I briefly flinch when something short circuits and sends a spasm into my shoulder. I keep quiet though. I can deal with the pain, the sensation merely surprised me.

“Sorry about that. Me being clumsy.” 

Stark continues his examination and I bare the discomfort. “Did the water do any damage?”

“Fortunately no. You probably don’t want to hear this, but Hydra knew what they were doing when designing that arm.”

“You’re right. I don’t want to hear it.” Fuck, I didn’t want to say it aloud! 

“I get that,” Stark says reassuringly. “Now, this might sting, so don’t beat me up later.”

He’s right; it stings, but it is way below my pain threshold. 

“No pain?” Stark arches an eyebrow.

“It doesn’t compare to what I’m used to.” 

“Steve is like that too, but for a different reason, I think.” Stark finally finishes up. “Can you come back tomorrow? I want to try some things. In the meantime I want you think something over.”

I wait for him to continue. “What?”

“You need to be conscious when I restore your arm. I need you to tell me if the arm is working properly so I can make adjustments. I can’t do that if you’re unconscious. You might want to mentally prepare yourself for that.”

Stark gives me an odd look. He’s not telling me everything. He’s not exactly hiding something, but there’s more. “Why’s that?”

“It might bring back memories. You’ll probably flashback to the time they fixed you up with that arm.” Stark leans back in his chair. “I’m still amazed you survived that fall.”

I avert my gaze. I’m not telling him why. My darkest secret is mine to keep. “I don’t know how I survived.” Stark’s expression tells me that he doesn’t believe me. I’m not telling him about Zola’s experiments. I want to forget about them instead. 

“Fine with me if you want to pretend you don’t know.” Stark covers the shoulder back up again. “Today’s instructions are, and please pay attention: wear your glasses, get some rest, don’t get into another major crisis, and, did I already mention getting some fucking rest?”

“I get it,” I grumble, feeling annoyed. I get to my feet and carefully keep my back toward the machine. I don’t trust myself to be able to deal with the sight. I move out of the lab and feel relieved when the door closes behind me. I never expected my past to confront me like that. I didn’t even know Stark had moved Hydra’s machine to Wakanda. Maybe I should have known though – that guy wants to take out Hydra as much as I do. I should probably return to Steve, but I can’t – not yet. Just one look at me would tell Steve something bad happened, so I head for my favorite place instead- the terrace.

oooooooooooooo

I’m stunned to see the amount of damage yesterday’s storm did. It tore trees from the earth, destroyed large sections of vegetation, and even the panther statue looks changed. Was there some sort of rock avalanche? A stream has formed and it runs right past the cave. We were lucky to escape that deadly trap. 

I sit down and watch the sky. It’s all blue with only a few tiny clouds. It looks peaceful, but yesterday taught me how fast the weather conditions change around here. I won’t be caught unaware again. 

“I knew I would find you here.”

I expected Steve to seek me out, but it is T’challa instead. The sweatpants and shirt he’s wearing don’t suit him. I’m used to see him dress way more sophisticated. 

“I just inspected the damage the storm did. You were extremely lucky to get out alive. But then again, maybe luck had little to do with it. Your survival instincts kicked in.” T’challa sits down and looks at the ruined site below us. “It does break my heart to see my beloved kingdom in ruins, but we will restore the land.”

“I’m sure you will.” I feel lost for words. Before Hydra got to me, small talk was never an issue. I would talk for hours without end. These days, everything is different. Luckily, T’challa doesn’t pressure me into a conversation. Like me, he seems to enjoy just sitting here and taking in the jungle.

oooooooooooooo

“Hey, I missed you.” 

Steve’s voice takes me aback. I was lost in thoughts and didn’t hear him approach. I hope Hydra isn’t sending their agents after me any time soon because I’m a way too easy target. I didn’t notice T’challa leaving either. I really need to pay attention to my surroundings, but the truth is, I still feel jittery after discovering that Hydra’s machine is here. My worst fear is coming true. The things one can do with that machine… I don’t ever want to go through that ordeal again. I would rather kill myself than let myself get wiped again. Steve sits down on the bench next to me and gives me a puzzled look.

“What happened?” 

The tone of his voice indicates he suspects something bad happened. I don’t want to tell him, but I also know I can’t afford to keep secrets in this relationship. I don’t want to lose Steve’s trust and I do need his support. I’m not ready yet to stand on my own two feet. The incident in Stark’s lab proved that. “According to Stark and Akachi I had a panic attack when I discovered the… machine in Stark’s lab.” Steve’s reaction is instant and I cringe at seeing the pained expression in his eyes. I never wanted to put it there. “But I’m fine now,” I add quickly, but I doubt he’ll believe me.

“What were you doing in Tony’s lab to begin with?”

Although his tone is fierce, he isn’t overreacting, for which I’m grateful. I can do without the drama. “He wanted to check on my shoulder, remember?”

“Yes, but…” 

Steve grows quiet. I can tell he’s fighting with himself. His hands turn into fists and in his eyes appears that certain look which promises hell and damnation to my enemies. We really need to address his urge to protect me at all cost. It might cost him his life one day. “Steve, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. You’re way too pale and you’re trembling. Don’t deny it; I can tell.”

He doesn’t sound pissed off – he sounds worried. “I didn’t know it was there! I had no idea Stark had it transported to Wakanda! I wouldn’t have gone into that lab if I’d known! I don’t want to see it ever again. I don’t want to be near it!” I need to stop myself from yelling at him. I’m not mad with him – I’m scared of what that machine can do to me and I’m furious with Hydra.

“I know that.” Steve sighs and moves closer still. “Buck, I just want to keep you safe. You weren’t supposed to know about that thing being here. If I’d known where you were headed, I would have stopped you.” 

“It’s not your fault.” I don’t want him to think I blame him. 

“But we should have told you,” Steve admits. “If you’d known about the machine, you wouldn’t have visited Tony’s lab. Part of this is my fault, no matter what you say. We shouldn’t have kept this from you.”

“Maybe… we’ll never know. Don’t feel guilty, I don’t blame you.” I rest my head against his shoulder and reach for his hand. I cradle it within mine. Being comfortable with reaching out and touching him is a slow process for me. I still can’t believe I’m this lucky.

“Buck, I felt guilty for long time. I couldn’t save you that day when you fell into that ravine. I always blamed myself for not going back to bring home your body. I wanted to, but there was always some battle to fight. I’m not asking for forgiveness, but…”

“Hey, don’t do this!” Alarmed, I raise my head and make eye contact. Steve’s eyes swim with unshed tears. Hell, why is he doing this to himself? “I don’t blame you! I never did! It was war and we fought a deadly enemy. Hydra had to be stopped and Zola…” I shiver violently at speaking that name, “He was on that train. It was a risk we had to take. Sometimes sacrifices are necessary. Do you know what my last thought was while I fell?” 

Steve shakes his head. “I don’t.”

“I was grateful that it was me and not you. I wanted you to live and to win our war. As long as I can remember you wanted to make a difference and you never gave up on being accepted into the army. You succeeded. I wanted you to live your life and to be happy.”

“Bucky, don’t say stuff like that.”

I didn’t mean to make him cry and quickly wipe away his tears. Crying doesn’t suit him at all. I want him to smile instead. “I’m serious. I was expendable and we both know it. You weren’t. They needed you to defeat Hydra and you did. I’m so fucking proud of you!” Damn, why is he still crying? “That was supposed to be uplifting,” I tell him.

“You really don’t know how devastating losing you was, do you? I love you, Bucky. I was in love with you back then, I just didn’t realize it. I always was too shy to tell you about it. I didn’t think you felt the same way about me. And then I lost you before I could tell you about my feelings. I had to bury my love for you deep inside. Sure, Peggy was a great support and I loved her, but never in the way I love you.”

Now I’m fighting back tears as well. “Steve, what happened, happened, it’s in the past. We can’t change that.” A determined expression replaces the sorrow in Steve’s eyes.

“You’re right about that. We need to make the most out of the present, which brings us back to me wanting to protect you and to be there for you. It’s not due to guilt – I love you, Bucky. I couldn’t deal with losing you again. I need you to stay alive for me. I need you to take care of yourself – for my sake, for my sanity.”

“Understood,” I whisper, slightly reeling from the passion in his voice. Steve is serious about this. “I’ll be careful.”

“You’d better be.” 

Steve drapes an arm around my shoulder and pulls me close against him. I learned a lot today. I never knew the full extent of Steve’s feelings for me. I never realized just much he loves me. I also learned that, with help, I can face Hydra. I might have a panic attack and someone has to talk me through it, but I survived facing that machine. Maybe I’m stronger than I thought. Maybe I AM worth the hassle I’m putting Steve and his friends through. Just maybe, I can convince myself I’m worthy of having a life again. 

ooooooooooooooo

“Would you like to join Mister Stark and me for lunch?” 

This time, I heard T’challa’s footsteps upon his approach. I raise my head and look to Steve for an answer. What does he want to do?

“Sure,” Steve says and nods. “We need to eat. Did you even have breakfast, Buck?”

“I wasn’t hungry this morning.” I’m not used to being hungry. That showed when I woke up hungry the other day. It wasn’t on my priority list while Hydra pulled my strings. “But I can eat now.” My stomach isn’t exactly rumbling, but it does feel rather empty. 

“We’re joining you.” Steve tells T’challa.

Gone is the jogging outfit. T’challa looks smart again. I used to dress like that; I made sure I looked good. These days, I hardly care. Running my hand along my chin, I consider shaving after all, and if I fail at it, maybe I’ll ask Steve to do it instead. He’s the only person I might bare being that close to my throat with a razor. 

“Is something wrong, Buck?”

I quickly shake my head. “Probably just over thinking something.”

“Then stop it and follow me.” T’challa turns around and walks into the corridor.

My heart misses a beat the moment Steve reaches for my hand and tightly intertwines our fingers. I still have a hard time believing he’s comfortable with expressing his feelings for me in public. The guy must really love me.

ooooooooooooo

The moment I step into the dining room, Stark’s eyes are upon me. It helps that I know why he’s staring like that. He’s probably worried I’m about to break down again. Instead I take a seat and look at the variety of food. T’challa once more presents us with local cuisine. I’m rather curious what the food tastes like. 

“How are you doing?” Stark asks, while casting a look at Steve too.

“I told him,” I say, after deciding to be honest. “Steve knows what happened.”

“I hope I am not prying, but…” 

T’challa, discreet as always, offers me a choice to explain or not. I’ve really come to like the guy. “I made the mistake of visiting Stark’s lab. I didn’t know that the ma…chine was there.” I still have a hard time addressing it, as memories keep resurfacing. Being in that chair meant pain, brutal and merciless agony. The worst thing was screaming my heart out and no one caring about it. I was at their mercy, and Hydra, Hydra doesn’t take prisoners. With Hydra there’s only order and order comes through pain!

“Bucky…”

Suddenly Steve is beside me and the palms of his hands enclose my face. He’s speaking softly, almost humming, as if to reassure me. “What happened? What did I do?” 

“You were citing Hydra’s ideology.”

I was? Fuck! Ashamed, I lower my head. “I didn’t know I was saying it. I thought I was merely thinking it. I’m sorry.”

“Seeing that machine brought it all back.” Stark says, looking equally worried. He exchanges a quick look with Steve and seems to reach a decision. “We know how bad it was for you. Hydra was extremely fond of taping their ‘achievements’. There’s a lot of footage of them wiping your mind and prepping you for a mission.”

The blood in my veins freezes and I can’t breathe. I raise my head and stare at Steve. “Did you watch it?” Please God, I couldn’t bear that. The mere thought of Steve having seen me like that chills me to the bone. For him to have seen me so weak… I disgust myself. I don’t want him to see me like that. Looking into his eyes, I already know the answer. “You did.”

“I had to know what you went through. I need to understand what Hydra did to you.”

I can’t blame him – not really. If our roles were reversed, I would have done the same thing. “Did you watch it too?” I ask Stark and T’challa. T’challa shakes his head and I believe him. He looks like he doesn’t know this, but Stark… “You did too.”

“I had to in the name of research. Trust me, I’d rather not have. I only studied the footage because it’ll help me help you.” 

I can’t blame him. “Watching that must have disgusted you.” Stark opens his mouth as if to reply, reconsiders, and then speaks.

“What do you think disgusted me?”

He’s going to make me say, the bastard. I don’t want to, but I need to get it out in the open. “That I couldn’t fight them off. I didn’t want them to put me into the machine. I tried everything – kicking, punching, even begging. It never worked.” Steve squeezes my hand, but it’s Stark who speaks.

“You’re utterly, completely, wholly, mistaken!”

I didn’t expect that and blink at him. What’s going on?

“Hydra disgusts me. The way they used you disgusts me. Their ideology is an abomination. No one knew Hydra had gotten their dirty hands on until recently. You’re not to blame for what happened. Those bastards have so much blood on their hands they can never wipe it off. Zola, the Red Skull, Pierce, they disgust me. You don’t. You’re the victim in all this. You happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“He’s right, you know,” Steve adds. “I had a hard time watching that footage because they kept hurting you. If I’d known you were still alive, I would have come for you.”

“Don’t,” I tell him. “We already discussed this. I don’t want you to feel guilty about that.”

“And I don’t want you to feel guilty either. You need to be angry with the right person, and that’s Hydra. If Fury hadn’t killed Pierce, God help me, I would have gone after him to finish the job myself.”

My mouth’s gone dry and emotions make it hard for me to breathe. “Don’t let them turn you in a murderer, Steve. They already did that to me.”

“If I may speak,” T’challa starts and waits for anyone to object. When no one does, he continues,” Mister Stark is right. You should not let Hydra corrupt you,” he says, addressing Steve and then those eyes focus on me. Their gaze is piercing and I fight the urge to look away. “You, my friend, need to heal. Place the blame on the villain, which is Hydra, and let your friends help. You have already come a long way, compared to the way you were when we first met. I look forward to get to know you better and I do consider you a friend. I would never welcome a murderer to my home. That should tell you something.”

With the three of them practically telling me the same thing, I start to wonder if they may be right. If they are, it means I need to rethink what I know – or what I think I know. Steve would never lie to me, I know that. Stark started out as my enemy, but I’m beginning to believe he’s for real and wants to support me. Maybe he even considers me his friend. T’challa has no reason whatsoever to lie. He’s impartial in all this. He’s the one looking in from the outside. If he thinks I’m not to blame then… 

“It’s hard to believe that I’m not evil,” I open up; I can do nothing less now that they’re honest with me. It’s one of the hardest things I ever did. “That machine… it paralyzes your mind. It takes over. It’s like someone else takes control of your body. I fought it every time, but when the breaking point came, I…” I search for the right words to make them understand. “In a corner of my mind I knew what was going to happen. I watched… my body; I had no control over it. Hydra gave the order to kill and I did. But in my mind I was still awake and I had to watch… They made me watch how I killed those people and I couldn’t stop myself.”

“I can’t imagine what that’s like,” Steve says in a voice thick with emotion.

Steve slowly pulls me to my feet and hugs me tight. In a way I feel embarrassed, but I hold on at any rate. I’m lost without him. 

“When I’m done studying that damn machine, we’re going to dismantle it, Barnes. You and I. You’ll get to take, or if you prefer that, tear, it apart. Hydra’s never going to use it on anyone ever again. That’s my promise to you.”

“I’d like that,” I admit and shyly look at Stark. “I want that thing gone.”

“Consider it done. Now sit down and eat.”

Stark’s reply helps me relax. I actually manage a weak smile. Steve releases me and I sit down again. I feel odd. I can’t explain the feeling though. It feels like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel free and maybe even empowered in a way. I have the three of them to thank for that. “Thanks for being my friends.” I hope I don’t presume too much.

“You can always count on me,” Stark says reassuringly. 

Stark seems relieved the crisis is over. I don’t blame him. This was my second meltdown today. T’challa nods and smiles warmly, but the expression in his eyes tells me something different; it screams of murder. Only a few days ago, I would have assumed that anger was directed at me, but I know better now – it’s directed at Hydra.

00000000000

“Remember what I told you! Rest!” Stark says as he heads back to his lab. 

Steve gives me a knowing look and I surrender. There’s no way in hell he’ll allow me to do anything but rest for the remainder of the day. “I’ll be good,” I promise. Steve beckons me over and I fall into step with him. “Where are we headed?”

“Home.”

The way he says it, his tone and the eagerness, tells me he considers this home. I know the truth which Steve might not be ready to accept yet, namely that we can’t stay here forever. Something bad will happen and Steve will want to head out into the world to fix it. That’s the way he is and I’m fine with that. I’ll be there to watch his back. 

I expect him to drag me along into the bedroom, but he doesn’t. Instead he heads for the living room. How odd, until now I didn’t realize it came with a balcony. Like the terrace it offers a breathtaking view of the valley. “This is beautiful.”

“I knew you’d like it.” Steve walks onto the balcony. 

I smile at seeing several comfortable pillows on the balcony floor. We can build our own nest. “Do you remember that we used to do this as kids? We would put pillows on the floor and imagine it was a fortress, a mountain, or a pirate ship.” Those are fond memories. 

“We usually ended up in a huge pillow fight,” Steve adds as he sits down while arranging the pillows around him. “You broke my mother’s favorite vase, remember?”

“And you told her you had done it, so she wouldn’t lecture me.” I sit down next to him. 

“Why don’t you lie down and get some sleep?” Steve uncovers the glasses from a pocket. “You should be wearing these, remember?”

I take hold of the glasses and put them on. “Yes, I remember a lot these days. I don’t need to write it down though. Now that Hydra can’t wipe my mind again, I won’t forget about you.” I feel shy lying down and resting my head on Steve’s thigh. It’s incredibly intimate. I still need to get used to being touched, and even more, loved. Steve runs his fingers through my hair and strokes my brow. It’s unbelievably soothing and I can’t help but relax. “It’s making me sleepy,” I whisper as my eyes threaten to close. I want to look at him though. “I missed you so much. Even when I didn’t know your name, I knew you were important to me.”

“Get some rest. You’ve been through a lot today. I’m happy to guard your sleep.” 

Steve leans in closer and kisses my brow. My skin tingles where his lips touched. “I’m sorry for being so much trouble.”

“You’re not. I’m so very happy to have you back. I just want you to stay and never vanish on me again. Don’t die on me, do you hear me?”

“I’ll try…” I’m sleepy and my eyes close. That little breakdown earlier this morning took more out of me than I thought. “Sorry,” I whisper while falling asleep. I’m just too tired.

ooooooooooooooooo

I rest my head back against the wall and close my eyes. These last few hours were intense. Bucky is growing more independent, and I need to be aware of the risks that brings. I never expected him to seek out Stark in his lab. I would never have let him go there alone. Although, I probably should have told him about the machine being here. If he had known the truth, he wouldn’t have gone there. The mere notion of Bucky suffering a panic attack because I didn’t warn him makes me feel guilty. I could have spared him that.

T’challa is right though. Bucky came a long way since we arrived in Wakanda and he continues to improve. We just need to take small steps.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Bucky remains peacefully asleep for some time, but then starts twitching. Alerted, I watch him closely. Maybe it’s just an intense dream, but it might be more. A lot happened to him today. He might have trouble dealing with it.

“No, please don’t… I don’t want to… Not that machine… please, it hurts so much!”

Bucky is begging and it’s time to wake him from his nightmare. I don’t want him to live through that ordeal again. “Hey, Bucky, it’s me, Steve. You’re having a nightmare. Wake up.” I rub his arm and pull him against me. “You’re just having a bad dream. You’re safe with me. Wake up for me.” It works. Bucky’s sudden sharp intake of breath tells me I got through to him. I remove those glasses as I need to see his eyes. They never hide a thing. “Nightmare?” The fact that he’s still trembling tells me that he’s still dealing with whatever memories are haunting him. “Maybe talking about it helps.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

That sounds definite, but I don’t believe him. “Did you dream about the machine?” Call it an educated guess, but I really believe this morning’s events still haunt him. A curt nod confirms this. “You felt helpless, didn’t you?” Bucky groans and buries his head against my shoulder. “You screamed your heart out and they ignored you.”

Bucky closes his eyes and his breathing speeds up again. “You have no idea how much it hurt. It was torture. It felt like being ripped apart and then being rebuilt from scratch and there was so much pain. There were times when I lost consciousness. Then they had to wait for me to wake up so they could start all over again. I felt so fucking alone. I was an object to be used or put on ice whenever it suited them. I wasn’t a human being. I was a thing… an animal to them. Order comes through pain. That’s what they kept telling me.”

I slowly rock him in my arms and it seems to help. “How about we replace those bad memories with some good ones?” When he lifts his head and looks at me in a puzzled way, I know I made him curious. “There’s a lot of footage of us fighting the good fight. They taped us – the Howling Commandos. Did you ever see any?” I saw some at the museum and later on, Tony provided me with a lot of tapes.

“I saw a short clip at the museum, but I didn’t dare to stay long. Hydra has eyes and ears everywhere and they knew I might go there once my memories returned.”

“I’ll give Tony a call and ask him to prep some stuff for us. Maybe we can get out the popcorn and pretend we’re at the movies?” To my surprise Bucky chuckles.

“Does that mean I have to rescue you again? You always end up in trouble when you go to the movies.”

“Hey, that happened one time and the guy was disrespecting our troops.” I smile, recalling that time as well. “Would you mind making it into a public viewing? I’d love for the others to watch it with us. They don’t know our history that well. It might help them understand why you’re so important to me.” I expect Bucky to fight me on this, but he nods, completely surprising me.

“I can live with that. Just make sure there’s no other footage around.”

I know what he’s referring too – the tapes Hydra collected on him. “I promise. Feeling any better?” He stopped trembling and looks calm. 

“Yeah, I do. I’m sorry for…”

“Don’t.” I lean in closer and kiss him on the lips. I’ve wanted to do that for hours now. Taken aback, Bucky’s eyes widen, but I continue the kiss anyway. I want to taste him. Bucky parts his teeth and I deepen the kiss. Passion is about to overwhelm me and I want to do things neither of us are ready for. I pull away and smile at him. “I love the way you taste.”

Bucky blushes. “I like kissing you too.”

“We should have done this decades ago. Instead, we played games. You know why those double dates never worked out, don’t you?”

“Yeah, we should have dated each other instead.”

“At least we’re getting there now.” I run my fingertips down his throat and chuckle at encountering those hickeys. Tony is right. I need to be more careful as I don’t want to embarrass Bucky. “Do you want to stay out here, our..?”

“I like it here.”

Bucky moves about and I part my legs to accommodate him. He sits in front of me, leans his back against my chest, and rest the back of his head against my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him and pull him close. “Don’t ever leave me again, do you hear me? I need you… I can’t imagine a life without you.”

“You’re an overly sentimental geek.”

I burst out laughing. “Am I too romantic for your taste? Too much drama?”

“No,” Bucky says in a surprisingly serious tone. “You’re like that. That’s why I love you.”

He did it again. I kiss his neck and he groans softly. That sound travels straight to my groin and makes me hard. “The things you do to me.” I shift to create some distance between us. “I’ll give Tony a call. You put on those glasses again and enjoy the view.” Bucky complies and makes himself comfortable by moving closer again, damn it. I dial Tony’s number.

“Your always alert and friendly, neighborhood Iron Man here…”

I roll my eyes back. Trust Tony to come up with something like that. “I have a request.”

“And what might that be? Does his lordship want lasers added to that arm? Or maybe a rocket launcher?”

Bucky chuckles, as he’s listening along. “Do you want that?” I ask him.

“Hell no!”

“I take it you’re working on the arm?” I’m curious.

“Yes, it took some severe damage when I blew it off…”

Emotion seeps through in Tony’s voice. “Hey, Zemo manipulated you. You thought you were avenging your parents’ deaths.”

“Yeah, but still… Well, at any rate, I need to tweak some things. I might have to fortify some sections with adamantium. Whoever designed that arm was a genius, but I’m way smarter. I’m going to make some improvements. You’ll see when you drop by tomorrow. Now, what is this about a request?”

“Can you put some old footage together of the Howling Commando’s? Anything you can find on Bucky and the guys back then? After watching those Hydra tapes, we need something… something positive.”

“Sure, I can do that. Want me to bring popcorn?”

Tony catches on fast. “You’re all invited, if anyone wants to tag along that is fine with us. No obligations, of course.”

“Great, I get to push bird suit’s wheelchair! We’ll be there. Let’s say about eight this evening?”

“Sure, suits me.”

“Oh, and I’m also diving into Shield’s archives. Let’s see what dirty secrets are hiding in there. Did you tape any porn by chance? I’d like to find out who’s on top when you get hot and dirty.”

“Behave,” I tell him. But thankfully Bucky’s merely chuckling. He doesn’t seem offended. 

“Impossible! I never do! I’ll see you around eight!”

I put my phone aside and concentrate on Bucky again. “Tony’s crazy, but a good kind of crazy.” Bucky nods, but remains quiet. I can almost hear him thinking. “Was it the porn question?” I know him so well.

“Why would he wonder about that? We haven’t even had sex yet.”

“But Tony doesn’t know that.” Sensing a chance, I move in. “So, what is it for you? Top or bottom?” I’m not surprised to see Bucky blush. He looks away and seems awfully nervous. “I’m flexible,” I hint. “I can do both, I think. It’s not like I have any experience, of course. I did watch some porn… You know, I AM a guy, but never gay porn.”

“Are we really discussing this?” Bucky cringes and gives me a desperate look.

“Apparently we are, yes. Come on, spill it.” I do want to know.

“I don’t know…” Bucky shrugs. “I never thought about it.”

“There’s no time like the present,” I gently urge him on.

“I really don’t know… I do know that I would have a hard time being held down or pinned down. I would need to see you… have eye contact,” He pauses, obviously lost for words. “I’m not sure I can be on the receiving end… for now,” he quickly adds as if he’s afraid to offend me.

“Don’t worry about it. I understand. I really do. You need some control. I’m fine with it. Really.” I kiss him on the lips, but keep it light and undemanding. “We’ll know what to do when we get there.” Which will take us some time, but I’m fine with that. Bucky is worth it.

oooooooooooo

“Steve?” I walk into the bedroom where Steve is slipping into a shirt. I come to a stop and stare momentarily. Steve looks bemused and arches an eyebrow.

“Like what you see?” he asks smugly.

“I always liked you. It doesn’t matter what you look like. I loved the scrawny kid back then too.”

“I know that,” Steve whispers and walks toward me. I find it hard to label the expression in his eyes. “Is there anything you want?”

I swallow hard, trying to find the courage to ask him. “I need to shave, but I don’t trust myself around a razor.” I lift my hand and show him I’m shaking. “I don’t know why I’m freaking out about this, but it is happening.”

“Sure, I can help.”

The feel of Steve’s fingers caressing my face makes me close my eyes. Being touched still comes unexpected and I’m far from used to it. “I have to warn you though. I don’t know what will happen. The mere thought of someone coming near my throat with a razor blade worries me.”

“Even if you do it yourself?”

I nod. How do I explain something that I don’t understand myself?

“Let’s do this.”

Steve walks me back to the bathroom and I remain standing there while he gets out the necessities. Looking into the mirror makes me flinch. No matter how often I bath or shower, I still feel dirty. The face looking back at me feels wrong. 

“Turn around, Buck.”

I comply and Steve proceeds to rub the shaving cream onto my face. So far, so good, but I still might freak out upon seeing that razor. 

“What’s this about, Bucky?” Steve takes hold of the razor and gets started.

“I have no idea,” I really don’t know why this gives me the jitters. I shut up because I don’t want Steve to accidentally cut me. My hand becomes a fist and I fight the urge to punch him and kick him out of my way. 

“You’re doing fine. I’m almost finished, and damn, you look good.”

I don’t react to that. I’m busy fighting whatever is pushing my buttons. I only know that it has something to do with Hydra. Maybe with their scientists… maybe with them butchering my shoulder. 

“This takes off years, Bucky! Your baby face’s showing!”

Thankfully Steve keeps up the banter. Silence would make things worse. I want him to hurry though. This eats away at my nerves.

“Almost done.” Steve finally finishes up and removes any remaining shaving cream. “Why don’t you check yourself out in the mirror?” Steve suggests.

Now that the razor is gone I feel confident enough to reply. “I don’t like the face that stares back at me. I’d rather not. I know you did a good job.” I’m about to turn and flee the bathroom when Steve’s arms wrap around me from behind. 

“There’s nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. Come on, Buck, you can do this.” He maneuvers me back in front of the mirror. “Look at yourself, Bucky. Trust me, you look good.”

I sigh deeply as I don’t want to do this. “You don’t understand. This isn’t about being good-looking or being clean shaven. When I look at my face it is Hydra’s assassin staring back at me.”

“I’m going to tell you this as many times as you need to hear it,” Steve starts and kisses my neck. “You’re not to blame. You’re not a murderer. Hydra took over your mind. They forced you to do those things. Being unable to stop it made it worse, I understand that, but please Bucky, don’t let them win.”

I give in – I always do where Steve is concerned – and face my reflection. Surprised I look at the face staring back at me. Now that the facial hair is gone, I look different. Steve is right. I look much younger and a bit more like the old me. “You did a great job.” It feels great to be rid of all that facial hair. 

“I only revealed the face beneath all that hair.” 

His fingers slide down my face and caress my lips. I have a hard time accepting Steve wants this – to touch me, be with me, and kiss me. I know what I did. I know what I am. Even with the threat of the killing words gone, I remain dangerous.

“Why so unhappy?”

Looking at him using the mirror, I try to explain. “Sometimes everything just hits me. The horrible things I did. All that time spent in cryostatis, the lives I took. I shot Romanoff; I killed your director, Fury.”

“Actually you didn’t. Nick is still alive. In a way you did him a favor.”

I turn in the embrace and look at him. His expression is honest; he means this. “In what way? How can shooting him possibly equal doing him a favor?”

“Hydra infiltrated Shield. Pierce was running the show and by shooting Nick you gave him the chance to go underground. He faked his death. He’s somewhere in Europe today.”

“I didn’t know that.” I was under the impression he was another accomplished hit. “It’s good to hear though.”

“Now get dressed. You don’t want Sam to see you like that. You’d never hear the end of it.”

I completely forgot that I’m only wearing boxers. Steve definitely made a point. I move over to our closet and frown. “Each time I look in here, there are more clothes.”

“Blame T’challa. I suspect he enjoys spoiling you.”

“Might have something to do with him almost killing me.” The Black Panther’s fucking fingernails still freak me out.

“I don’t think so,” Steve says as he sits down on the bed, watching me. “I think he genuinely likes you and wants to help. Once he knew the whole story his demeanor changed. You have a friend for life in him.”

I’d like that. One thing a lifetime in Hydra’s captivity taught me is that friends are a precious gift.

ooooooooooooooo

As expected Stark is the first to show up. With one hand he’s balancing three bowls filled with snacks and his other holds three bottles of beer. “I come bringing gifts,” he says and tries to take a bow. The top bowl slips and starts to fall. I quickly catch it and save the contents.

“Good thinking,” Stark says and winks at me. He walks into the living room, deposits everything onto the coffee table, and then heads for the screen. He plugs in some memoroy stick and drapes himself all over the couch. He already feels at home here. I exchange a look with Steve, who’s grinning all over his face.

“That’s Tony, you’ll get used to it,” Steve whispers. 

“Did you?” 

“Not yet, but the guy kinda grows on you, trust me.”

Steve is a good judge of character, so I believe him. “What did you find?” I ask Stark: hopefully nothing too embarrassing.

“Some old news footage, Shield’s archives also hid a number of gems and I even searched my father’s private collection.”

Stark bringing up his father makes me feel awkward. “I always liked Howard,” I admit. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that though. What right do I have to tell him something like that? I killed his parents!

“I didn’t know that at first. I never realized that my dad knew you that well. He even recognized you that evening.”

Stark sounds bemused, something I don’t expect. “We worked quite closely together. He designed some gadgets and improved our weapons, which helped us take out a lot of Nazi’s. The Howling Commando’s owe him a lot.” Luckily there’s a knock on the door before I can get myself into even more trouble.

It’s Romanoff, and Clint pushing Sam’s wheelchair. Being restricted in that way must drive him nuts. I’m surprised they decided to show up. But then again, they’re probably doing this for Steve. They know he wants us to get along.

“Hello there,” Clint says as he parks the wheelchair next to the couch. “So what’s this? A family movie night? Are we starting a new tradition?”

“As long as we’re not watching porn I’m fine with this new tradition.” Romanoff grins in a way that suggests, she’s actually fine with porn, and I keep my mouth tightly shut. I’m not going to walk into that one.

“Come on, Natasha! You don’t know what you’re missing out on!” Sam shakes his head. 

“Hum, I could do gay porn. Watching two hot guys going at it…” she says, which shuts up Wilson at once. 

I silently applaud her for that move. I need to remember that in case Sam starts acting up again. Everyone settles down and Steve puts beers and wine on the coffee table. Something Clint just said puzzles me though. A family movie night… Does he really accept me as a part of the team? 

Steve heads for the door and T’challa steps inside, joining us. Like Stark, he comes bearing gifts; he’s once more presenting us with Wakanda’s cuisine. T’challa takes up possession of the second couch, which leaves Steve and me little choice but to sit down next to him. I sit in between the two of them and I’m fine with that. Out of the whole lot – except for Steve of course – is T’challa the one I tend to trust. He took me in just because he cared.

“So what are we watching? You never told us,” Romanoff says and pours herself a glass of white wine. 

“You’re gonna love this!” Stark hints as he grabs hold of the remote control.

I feel wary all of a sudden, as I don’t know what Stark wants to show us. I should have demanded having a look at it first. Steve must have realized the same thing, judging by the sudden alert look in his eyes. 

Stark starts the playback, and at first, I’m not sure what I’m looking at, but then I remember something that I read at the museum. “You really started out as the star of a show with dancing girls.” I chuckle and watch Captain America hit Hitler in the gut. “This is precious.” The others are howling with laughter too. It really is funny.

“I’m glad you like it,” Steve says, slightly miffed. “We all have to start somewhere.”

“I didn’t. I was made a Sergeant right away.”

“You little…” 

Steve lunches for me, but I move out of the way. “Just be very careful who you call little!”

“Way too much information, guys,” Romanoff says, but she’s grinning too. 

“They didn’t want me to fight so they used me for their propaganda. It might have been different if Erskine had lived,” Steve says pensively. 

“Isn’t that the guy who invented the serum that turned you into Mr. Perfect?” Sam asks, while grinning like mad. He definitely likes the show!

“Yes, Hydra killed him once they realized the serum worked. I even went after the killer, but he committed suicide,” Steve explains.

The screen briefly turns to black and then a newspaper clipping appears. I lean forward to study it. “I remember this. The rescue mission appeared in the paper some days later. That’s from when you got us out of the Red Skull’s prison.” I shiver, unwillingly remembering my capture and torture at Zola’s hands. 

Clint moves his chair closer to the screen and studies the picture. “You look like shit, Barnes.”

Well, it’s the truth. “I didn’t realize it back then, but Zola did quite a number on me.”

Steve nods and joins in. “Bucky was repeating his rang and number when I found him. He was weak and I could only think of getting him out of there as quickly as possible.”

I should probably not share this, but maybe it will help if they know more about me. “Zola built a prototype of Hydra’s final machine. He was already trying to control me and wipe my mind. I hoped that by repeating my rang and number I wouldn’t forget those.”

“But you did recognize me,” Steve reminds me.

“I wasn’t that far gone yet. Zola was merely trying to break me.” A silence settles over the room and I frown at realizing just how quiet everyone is. They’re all staring at me. “What?”

“Steve told us bits and pieces,” Romanoff says, “But it’s the first time we actually hear it from you. Combined with that footage it really brings home what Hydra did to you.”

I shrug. This is old news to me, but it’s new to them. The screen comes alive again and I wonder what’s next. Do I really want to know? Actually, it turns out quite all right. “Where did you find that?” Steve – the old, scrawny Steve-moves across screen and I’m following behind, obviously pleading with him. We already abandoned our dates for that evening.

“This stems from my father’s private archive. It’s from the Modern Marvel Pavilions. I didn’t notice the two of you at first, but Friday did, using facial recognition.”

Sam’s eyes widen as he takes in the scene. “Oh God, you really were tiny, and thin, and… Well, you look undernourished. Didn’t they feed you?”

“He ate lots… that never was the problem.” I remember Steve eating way more than I did. “I worried about that at first too, but Steve always easily finished my leftovers. I guess he just burned everything right up.”

Steve points at the screen. “That was the evening Erskine recruited me. Before I met Erskine we watched your father’s show. Howard really impressed us, remember that, Buck?”

“What was it about again? A flying car?” I smile, fondly remembering that evening. Back then we didn’t even know about Hydra. We were incredibly naive. 

“Yeah, and the car malfunctioned. Howard wasn’t amused.” Steve chuckles.

“I wouldn’t be amused either,” Stark says, but smiles and relaxes. 

The next scene puzzles me for some moments. It’s clearly a party and Steve is in uniform. “Looking good,” I whisper into his ear.

“Likewise,” Steve whispers back.

“Guys…” Romanoff gives us the evil eye. “Save it for the bedroom.”

And boom… I’m blushing all over.

“I remember that one too. We had freed a battalion stuck behind enemy lines and the military threw us a party – it was good promotion, of course.” Steve sucks in his breath the moment Peggy appears on screen.

“She was an incredible woman,” I console him. “Do you remember her shooting at you because she caught you kissing a girl?”

“I nearly peed myself when she did that.” Steve smiles. “If it hadn’t been for my shield...” 

I can’t resist and turn to Stark. “Howard once invited Peggy for fondue. Steve here thought for years that fondue equaled sex.” Steve elbows me in my side and hisses for me to shut up. “When he found out what Swiss fondue actually was, Steve was shocked he had gotten it so wrong. It also explained why Peggy got pissed off because Steve never made a move.”

“Thank you for sharing that!” Steve glares at me. The rest however starts to laugh, which causes Steve to elbow me again.

“Go easy on me. I’m still recovering!” Steve’s glare turns even deadlier. Time to make a peace offering. “She always ignored any passes I made at her, remember? I was invisible to her.”

“But never to me.”

Fuck, suddenly Steve leans in closer and kisses me on the lips. I quickly pull away and shake my head at him. “Not here.” But it’s too late. The cat calls and kissing sounds start all over again. 

“Guys!” Steve gives them a pleading look. “Back off.”

Stark draws a heart in the air and blows us a kiss. Well, we only have ourselves to blame. Steve suggested watching that footage and I was dumb enough to agree to it. I’m afraid to find out what’s next. 

The scene shifts to another bar and I instantly remember that night. I nursed the worst hangover of my entire life the next morning. “Who the hell taped that?”

“I found it in my father’s collection. I never thought he would ever participate in a drinking match.”

Because that’s what this is. A drinking competition. “Steve wasn’t allowed to compete. Alcohol has no effect on him.” And suddenly, I realize who taped this. “You filmed us?”

“Well, it was rather amusing.” Steve offers me an apologetic smile. “If it means anything to you, I completely forgot the tape existed.”

“Who’s the big guy? He’s emptying those bottles like he’s drinking water,” Sam asks, looking on in wonder.

“Dum Dum,” I whisper. “He had a great sense of humor.” Damn, I miss him. “Jacques was part French. He could hold his liquor too. Usually one of them won.” But that evening had been different. “Howard decided to drink with us. Howard really was a great guy. His inventions saved our lives countless times. He wasn’t used to drinking though. It didn’t take much to get him drunk.” I watch Howard topple off his chair and gracelessly end up on the floor. At that point, I stopped drinking too. I could have won the game, but I wanted to look after Howard instead. Dum Dum, Jacques, and Gabe continued their drinking contest and I ended up carrying Howard over to one of the padded chairs in the corner where I made sure he was comfortable.

“I watched the rest of that tape. You stayed close to make sure my dad was fine.”

“He wouldn’t be the first to throw up and end up suffocating in the process. Drinking that much when you’re not used to it is dangerous.” Later that night, Steve and I took Howard up to his hotel room and checked on him each hour. The screen turns black again, and I sigh, lost in memories. “As I said before, Howard was a good guy. He made some modifications to my riffle which helped me hit my target from a greater distance. It saved Steve’s life at several occasions.”

“You were a sniper back then?” Clint sounds curious.

“I have excellent eye sight, and back then, an extremely steady hand.” These days, I always end up shaking myself to pieces when I’m upset. “Howard helped us in many ways. He was a good guy. I’m sorry about –" Stark however cuts me short. 

“Don’t say it, and you know that I mean it. You didn’t do that and that’s the end of it.” 

Stark sounds decisive and I respect his wishes. I hope this was the last of the footage. 

“I still find it hard to grasp that you fought in the Second World War,” T’challa comments, who had been quiet up until that point. “You do not look that old… It goes against my sense of logic.”

“We usually fought Hydra,” I say in a thoughtful voice. “And we were mostly up against the Red Skull.” I shiver and force my thoughts away from the monster. “I died before the war ended.”

“Well, technically speaking you didn’t.” Stark shakes his head. “You survived that fall.”

“There are more ways to die than to just stop breathing.” Stark nods, which tells me he get it. 

“Peggy organized a memorial service after we lost you. We buried an empty coffin, but I needed a place where I could go and mourn…” Steve swallows convulsively. “Those were rough times. I wasn’t ready to lose you.”

I bury his hand in mine and give it a reassuring squeeze, uncaring they see it and can comment on it. I don’t fucking care. Only comforting Steve matters!

“This helps me understand where the two of you are coming from. You shared a life before this.” Sam seems oddly pensive.

“You once told me it was hard to find someone with shared life experiences,” Romanoff says, addressing Steve. “I think you found him though.” I avert my gaze when she looks at me. I can’t forget that I shot her twice and still feel guilty about it. “I think the two of you are a good match.” She continues. “And Barnes, no hard feelings. We’re good.”

I can’t believe she said that. I give her a probing look, but she seems to genuinely mean it. “Thanks.”

“Well, it’s time to give our lovebirds some privacy. Let’s go people!” Stark finishes his beer and grabs a handful of potato chips. While the rest leaves one by one, Stark stays behind. “Remember to drop by my lab tomorrow. We’ll work on the arm.”

“We’ll be there,” Steve confirms before I can speak. Stark leaves as well and it is back to being just the two of us. “It was a good evening, wasn’t it?” Steve says contently. “It was great to see that footage, especially of Howard ending up dead drunk.”

I smile, but a sense of melancholy remains. I feel out of time, and it must be the same for Steve. But he found a way to deal with it, I’m still searching. 

“It’s late already and we should get some sleep. Tomorrow will be nerve wrecking. Knowing Tony he’ll run several tests on you and on that arm. He’s a perfectionist and working with him is exhausting.”

I’m fine with getting some sleep. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow either, but it’s something that needs to be done. I want my arm back and I’ll take whatever pain having it restored will bring.

ooooooooo

I can’t breathe… I just can’t breathe. The mask makes it impossible, the muzzle Hydra put on me, keeping me from speaking and even breathing properly. I can’t take it anymore and I scream. I cry out like I did before, but no one ever listens.

“Bucky, what’s happening? Don’t do this to me. You need to wake up and talk to me.”

I don’t register the voice at first, as there is only pain. I’m back in the machine: its long arms circling me and eventually capturing my head in their claws. The machinery moves across my face and then presses against my skull. The light is unbearably bright and then starts flashing, and with that, the pain builds into a crescendo of agony. “No!!!!” 

“Bucky, listen to me. It’s me, Steve; you’re here with me in Wakanda. You’re safe. You’re having a nightmare. Please come back to me.”

The voice grows in strength and sounds familiar. The pain threatens to pull me under though and I fight my way back to the surface. If only the light would stop flashing! It drives me mad. I can’t deal with the constant bombardment of light and pain and curl up.

“Bucky, listen to me. Come back to me. I need you. They’re about to beat me up. I need you to kick some ass, come on, Buck!”

What’s that? Steve needs me? Is he in danger? I want to reach out to him, but I can’t speak. The mouth guard prevents that. I try to spit it out, but they always push it back in. I can’t breathe, I just can’t breathe…

“What’s happening in here? Why is he screaming?” 

That second voice sounds familiar, but I can’t identify it. 

“He’s having one hell of nightmare, Tony. What do I do? It was never this bad before!”

“Let me try something, Steve. I know what’s happening. Today was way too much stimulation for his overworked brain. This time the glasses are making it worse.”

I gasp the moment the machine releases me from its clutches. The claws retract and I can breathe again. The light finally fades and I draw in a deep breath. I’m so relieved Hydra stopped this time. That pain was bad, really bad.

“Bucky? Can you hear me? Can you talk to me?”

Is that Steve’s voice? But what is he doing at Hydra’s facility? Did they capture him? I need to know and look at him. He looks panicked, but doesn’t seem injured. They didn’t get to him yet and I vow they never will. “Steve…”

“Finally.” 

Steve wraps me up in his arms and I let him hold me for a moment. We can’t afford this luxury though as we’re wasting time. “We need to get you out. You have no idea what Hydra is capable of. I need to get you out of their camp.”

“We’re in Wakanda, Buck. T’challa took us in, remember? You’ve been staying with me for over a week now. You’re safe and Tony here has been helping you. Do you remember any of that?”

His words make me frown. Wakanda? It sounds familiar, yes, but who’s Tony? I look at the guy and from the deep recesses of my mind, I drag up another face and name. “Stark, Tony Stark. You’re Howard’s son.”

“Don’t look to me,” Steve tells Tony, who looks equally confused. “I have no idea what’s happening either.”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” 

Stark’s question puzzles me, but he’s Howard’s son, so I trust him. “They were wiping my mind and prepping me for a mission, but this time it was different. I screamed and then I heard Steve…” Looking about I realize Hydra’s machine is nowhere in sight. “Where am I? Are we prisoners?” Hydra never treats their prisoners this well though. 

“No, we’re not,” Steve says slowly. “We’re in Wakanda with T’challa. We came here after the disaster in Siberia took place. T’challa took us in. You don’t need to worry about Hydra.”

T’challa. I know that name… I fought him – I think. He was dressed like a big cat – a panther? “Wakanda…” Suddenly it all comes rushing back and it makes me dizzy. I hold on to Steve while I try to deal with my memory restoring itself. “What the hell happened?”

“Sensory overload, I’m afraid, and it’s my fault. You didn’t cause this.”

I look at Stark, and the last set of memories shift into place. “I doubt it’s your fault. It’s my mind. I can’t trust it. It’s unstable.”

“No, it was just sensory overload. Just listen and I’ll explain. Stop being stubborn, Barnes.” Stark puts the glasses aside.

The chuckle coming from Steve surprises me and his nod tells me I should hear Stark out. “What do you think happened then?”

“Too much exposure which in turn created sensory overload. This time the glasses worked to your disadvantage. It’s time to stop wearing them. They’re no longer useful. You encountered the machine in my lab and suffered a breakdown. Later we watched a lot of stuff from your past… That was too much information for your brain to process.”

“See, I can’t trust my mind.” Stark actually proved the point I’m trying to make.

“No,” Stark objects. “This isn’t about Hydra brainwashing you and causing you to go ballistic. This is about your mind trying to put itself right again. You need to give it time.”

“You heard the guy,” Steve whispers into my ear. “You’re not unstable. It’s quite the opposite; you grow more stable each day. Your brain just has to work out some things.”

I recall them teaming up against me before. “I don’t want to go back to sleep.” That nightmare still unsettles me. I don’t want to have another bad dream tonight.

“So, we stay awake and talk.”

I don’t want to talk either, but Steve sounds so damn hopeful that I don’t have the heart to oppose. “Fine.”

Stark switches on the recording and puts the glasses into his pocket. “We have faith in you, Barnes. Don’t give up, you ARE getting better.”

If he says so… but I find it hard to believe.

oooooooooooooo

Sitting at the kitchen table I simply stare at the food instead of eating it. Steve prepared breakfast and gives me a hopeful look. He wants me to eat, but my stomach rebels. I’m nauseous. That nightmare shook me up. I had nightmares before, but last night I was absolutely certain that I was back in that machine. “It felt so real,” I offer, knowing Steve well enough to realize he’ll make me open up. I prefer to give in without a fight. I don’t want to fight Steve at all. Steve sighs, which tells me he’s relieved I’m addressing this. 

“I underestimated the power that machine has over you. I saw Hydra’s footage and I know what they put you through, but until last night I never fully realized the hell they put you through.”

It’s not what I want to hear. I want him to reassure me and tell me that I was merely overreacting. “I…” I’m lost for words. I don’t know what to say and grow quiet instead. 

“Maybe we should consider pulling in Wanda…”

“No, I don’t want that. I don’t want another person poking around in my mind.” That’s one thing I know for sure. 

“If that’s what you want. Maybe later, once you feel better.”

Steve isn’t giving in easily and I know why. He thinks she can help me heal, but I doubt that. I need to find my own way home. “I worry about going back to that lab later today. I don’t want to end up on my knees and drooling all over the place like a mad dog.”

“You’re exaggerating.” 

Steve sounds upset. Is it because of the way I phrased that? I’ll never understand his feelings for me. I can understand Steve being in love with the old Bucky, but not with the current version. How can anyone love a murderer?

“I know that look.” Steve moves closer and slips his fingers into my hair, keeping me in place so I can’t avert my look. “I understand that Hydra is very close right now and their hold on you might feel overwhelming, but this is only temporary. We’ll find ways to deal with this. Just give it time and me a chance.”

I search Steve’s eyes and see the love there. He does love me for some elusive reason. “I’m trouble, Steve. Why won’t you put me back on ice? It would solve so many problems!”

“No, we had that discussion before and my answer remains the same. I’m not losing you a fourth time. I won’t let you do that to me.”

“A fourth time?” I frown at Steve, not getting the remark. “You only lost me once.”

“No, when I heard the Red Skull had captured your regiment I thought I had lost you already. I went in there hoping to get you out alive, but dreading I would find you dead instead. The second time was the worst. I was forced to watch you fall to your death. And then, when I finally found you again onboard of that Helicarrier, we fought, and I faced losing you again. If you hadn’t come back for me and rescued me, I might have drowned.” Steve moves his chair closer, leans towards me, and rests his brow against mine. Looking into my eyes he continues, ”And then you walked away after you got me out. You walked away, Buck. I was conscious at that time. I wanted to stop you, but I was too weak. I wanted to wrap my arms around you and keep you from leaving. Why did you leave me – again?”

This hits me completely unprepared and my throat feels tight with emotion. I force myself to keep breathing and to calm down so I can answer him. Steve deserves an answer. “I was confused, Steve. It didn’t make any sense. I only knew what Hydra told me. Pierce was very…persuasive… I didn’t dare to believe you were for real. When their conditioning wore off, I realized that it was my chance to get away from Hydra. So I ran. I didn’t think of you as an ally or friend at that time. You confused me. I cared about you, but I had no idea why. I just wanted to hide from Hydra.”

“I would have helped…” Steve sounds hurt. “But I understand why you did what you did. You could only think of getting away from Hydra.” 

Steve is still very close and I break the contact by leaning back in my chair. I can’t yet maintain eye-contact for a longer time. Not like that. It’s too intense. Thankfully Steve seems to understand as he doesn’t pressure me into looking at him again.

“I dislocated your shoulder and broke your arm. Did you at least get medical attention?”

Steve sounds and looks guilty and I don’t want him to feel like that. “I fixed it myself. I’m a fast healer.”

“The serum,” Steve remarks in a thoughtful voice. “I wonder about Zola’s serum.”

I’m not getting into that. Steve can never know the truth about that serum. I would rather die than tell him. “I don’t know a thing about it.” Steve looks like he wants to say something, but ends up biting down on his bottom lip instead. An uneasy moment passes between us and I wonder what he’s hiding.

“You need to eat,” Steve reminds me. “We have a long day ahead of us.”

I pick up my fork and move the bacon and eggs around on my plate. I still feel queasy. “I can’t eat anything. I’ll just throw it up again. I’m nauseous.” Steve moves a glass filled with orange juice toward me and gives me an encouraging nod.

“At least drink something, and no, I’m not giving you coffee if your stomach is acting up.”

I wrap my fingers around the glass and force myself to sip from it. Thinking of what lies ahead makes me nervous as hell. I want my arm back, but I dread entering that lab again. I can only hope I won’t panic and suffer another breakdown.

“I have faith in you. You can do this. I’ll be there with you – every single second. I won’t let you out of my sight. You can count on me. We’ll do this together.”

Steve sounds so damned convinced that I almost start to believe it myself. “I can’t promise you that I can do this. I’m fucking scared.”

“I get that, but as I said, you’re not alone. We’ll do this together.”

I have to put my trust in Steve. If anyone can pull me through it is him.

ooooooooooooo

I need a moment before I can set foot into Stark’s lab. Just knowing the machine is in there is enough to unbalance me. Steve notices it and gives me an encouraging look. He believes I can do this, and I know that I must do this. I owe myself that much.

“It’s going to be fine,” Steve whispers, “I have faith in you. Remember, I’ll be in there with you all the time. I won’t leave you. We’ll do this together.”

I know he means it and I draw some courage from that. I step into the lab, and although I don’t want to look at the machine, I can’t help checking on it. Stark covered it up though. It’s no longer visible and that helps, even though it’s still there.

“Over here, guys.” Stark gestures for us to join him.

I should have expected to find Akachi here as well, but I never thought that far ahead. I was too preoccupied to even consider it. “Thanks for…” I tilt my head toward the machine. Stark catches on and nods.

“Hop on,” Stark says and pats the medical bed next to him. “Time to check on that shoulder.”

I freeze up though, catching sight of my arm. It looks intact. “Is it… functional?” I hate the way my voice trembles, revealing my unease. Steve moves closer and takes hold of my hand, offering silent support.

“Fully functional and even better than that. There were some weak spots in the design and I fortified those with adamantium. Your arm is a bit heavier than you’re used to, but not much. You should hardly notice any difference.” 

I lie down on the medical bed and swallow hard. I feel uneasy. This setting reminds me too much of my time spent at Hydra’s mercy. But I need to do this. I endured so much in the past. I can handle this too. Steve squeezes my hand and I look at him. Just knowing he’s here and supporting me helps.

“Removing your shirt will help,” Stark hints and smiles reassuringly.

So I remove my shirt and drop it onto the floor. I feel naked and exposed, and most of all, vulnerable.

“I’m going to place some electrodes on your chest and head. We need to know how you’re doing,” Akachi announces and then waits for my permission to proceed.

I’m grateful they keep in mind how hard this is for me. “Sure, go ahead.” I hate the way the electrodes feel against my skin. It’s a familiar feeling and I shiver. I keep my gaze trained on Steve – he’s my lifeline in all this.

“Let’s see how you’re doing. Friday, run diagnostics.” Stark watches his pad closely and then looks up. “No need to stress out over this, Barnes. You’re safe with us.” 

“I know that… It’s not you,” I say, cringing. “It’s these settings. They remind me of…” Thankfully Stark doesn’t make me say it. He simply nods. “Don’t worry about it. I can deal with this.” As long as Steve is here with me I can handle it.

Stark removes the protection from my shoulder and starts poking. In the meantime, Akachi hooks me up to an intravenous feed. “What’s that?”

“Pain medication,” Stark says before Akachi can speak up. “I don’t want you to be in discomfort while I’m figuring out how to restore your arm. I need you conscious, remember?”

And suddenly it hits me. “You are going to do this now?” I thought he wanted me to come in for some tests. I had no idea he planned on restoring my arm today!

“I didn’t want you to worry. This way. It’s less stressful.”

I look at Steve. “Did you know about this?”

“No, but it makes sense. I can’t fault Tony for this. We both know what it’s like. If you had known about it you would have panicked.”

“And I can’t panic now?” Where’s the logic in that?

“Nah, just focus on your boyfriend. Think of all the ways you can do the dirty deed. That should keep you busy.”

Trust Stark to come up with something like that. “You should have told me.”

“Nope, and now shut up and let me do my job.” 

Steve moves closer and tightly twines our fingers. “Tony is the best. Maybe we should just trust him?”

Steve knows how hard it is for me to trust anyone and now he asks me to trust Stark. A series of spasms moves through my upper body and I stare at Stark. “What was that?”

“Neural pathways are still functioning, that’s beautiful!” Starks sounds pleased. “Did it hurt?”

“No, but… it felt odd.” 

“Don’t worry about that. Just tell me if it hurts. We’ll dial up your drugs in that case.”

I can’t help but wonder what Stark is really up to. I get an idea of his plans when he moves my metal arm closer. Although it’s a lethal weapon, I do consider it a part of me.

“Steve, help me out, will you? I need you to hold that arm in place so I can work on it.”

“I’ll have to let go of your hand for that, Buck.”

I realize that too. “Just do it.” I’ll be fine. I can still look at Steve and that’s enough to keep me grounded. I blend out the noises, the smells, and even my feelings. I return to that vacant state that took me whenever the Winter Soldier took over. It’s like watching them from afar. I feel disconnected, out of mind in a way. It’s the only way I can get through this. Steve starts to talk to me, and although I hear his voice, I can’t make out any words. It’s the same thing when Akachi addresses me. I promise to come back the moment Stark finishes.

“Bucky? Come on, buddy, don’t do this. I need you here with me. Buck? Buck!”

Steve’s voice eventually pulls me from that dark and lonely place and I focus on him. He looks and sounds worried. “I’m fine. What’s wrong?”

“What happened?” Steve sounds more than just worried. He sounds panicked.

“Nothing. It’s nothing but a trick. I just retreated into my mind.” It helped me many times in the past, especially whenever I ended up wounded during one of Hydra’s missions. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. You scared me. You looked… like you weren’t there anymore.”

“I wasn’t.” I look down at my shoulder and realize Tony succeeded in restoring my arm. The weight feels familiar and comfortable. I feel whole again. “Does it work?”

“Why don’t you give it a try? I still have to fine tune it, but it should work. Careful though… that’s a powerful weapon you have there.”

I understand why Stark cautions me. I move my arm slowly and carefully. I lift it, open my hand, and close it. I flex my fingers, bend my arm at the elbow, and pick up one of Stark’s tools. “It works,” I mumble in awe. I can’t believe Stark made it work. 

Stark studies the readings and makes last minute’s adjustments. “No pain?”

“None… At least, none that I’m aware of.” Maybe it’s due to the pain medication. 

“Here, move this about using your fingers. Try to be delicate. Don’t crush it.”

I move the pen about. “Feels like it used to.” 

“Sit up… And now catch this!” 

I barely pushed myself upright when Stark unexpectedly throws something resembling a screw driver at me. I catch it effortlessly.

“Looks promising. Akachi, you can remove that drip.” Stark sits down next to me. “Listen carefully. You too, Cap.” Once he feels assured of our attention, he continues. “Use your arm as much as you can. Lift things, throw stuff, try your range. If something feels off, come to see me. I don’t expect any problems, but one can never be sure. Don’t forget, that arm is a powerful weapon, so be careful. You’ve been without it for some time. You might miscalculate some moves.”

“Understood.” It is obvious Stark cares. “I’ll be careful.” 

“Not too careful. We need to find its weak spots, if that arm has any.”

“I’ll watch him.” 

“I know you will, Cap. I’m counting on that. Now get going and play, kids. Leave Uncle Tony to a well deserved nap!” 

Akachi removes the IV and electrodes and gives me the all clear. I get off the medical bed and am happy to stand on my feet again. I’m relieved that I don’t experience any problems with my balance; I was worried that I had to get used to the weight all over again. But apparently my body still remembers. I ignore Hydra’s machine and make my way toward the exit. I want out of here as quickly as possible.

“Slow down!” Steve catches up with me and falls into step beside me. “Want to hit the gym and find out if your arm works properly?”

I’m not sure about that. What if it malfunctions? But then again, Steve can help me out. “Fine with me,” I decide eventually. ‘We should test it.”

“Great!” 

Steve seems way too enthusiastic about this and I wonder why. Then again, maybe he just needs some exercise. He has been cooped up in here with me for days.

oooooooooooo

Putting any pressure on my arm feels odd. I was just getting used to living without it and now it is back. I lift some weights, bench press, and do some push-ups just using my arm and it feels stable; it feels strong. It feels more compact in a way.

“Buck, is everything fine?”

“Yeah… looks like Stark really managed to improve it. It feels amazing.” I stare at my arm in awe. In the future I’ll only use it to fight the good cause. I’ll watch Steve’s back and I know he’ll watch mine. “What are the Avengers like? I don’t know that much about them.”

“It’s hard work. There are way too many ego’s in this group, but somehow we always works out. We recruited some new members recently and we’re still getting to know each other. It’s a big family and you know what most families are like.”

I understand what he’s trying to tell me. “Sounds like surviving the playground at school.”

Steve laughs loudly. “You can describe it like that. Thor is odd, but he’s a great guy. And Vision, I haven’t figured him out yet. And then there’s Banner. Just when I thought I had seen it all, I found out about the Hulk.”

“Can’t wait to meet them,” I quip rather sarcastically.

“You’ll fit in nicely. I don’t worry about that. We cut each other some slack. No one is perfect. We all made mistakes. It helps that Tony is on our side now. He really had me worried for a while. We often nag and pester the guy, but Tony is important to the Avengers. Without him, the dynamics change and we mess up. We need him onboard.”

Suddenly I feel cooped up in here and I want out. “Want to go for a walk? Maybe we can help clean up some wreckage. The valley does look bad. That storm did a lot of damage.”

“You just want to show off your arm,” Steve says and walks over to me. I’m sitting down and he moves between my legs. He straddles me and leans in closer to kiss me. Moments like these still stun me. He continues to kiss me and I relax. He feels warm against me and I crave the closeness.

“And we’re back at it, ladies and gentlemen. Natasha, you wanted some gay porn and here it is! I present to you, Steve does Bucky!” 

I almost push Steve off of me upon hearing Wilson’s voice, but Steve merely smiles at me and whispers, “Don’t listen to him. Listen to me. Everything is fine. Don’t overreact.” If only it was that easy. Looking over Steve’s shoulder I find Romanoff standing behind the wheelchair. Is it just my imagination or is she blushing?

“Cut them some slack, Wilson.” 

Romanoff actually told the guy off. I smile at her, but don’t expect to get a smile back. She then surprises the hell out of me by grinning at me.

“You should warn a girl, you know. Just put up a sign saying you’re busy.”

“We might,” Steve quips and grins back at her. “We’re going to help the locals clean up after the flood. Wanna help?

“I doubt we’ll be much of a help with Sam stuck in a wheelchair and little me. I’ll leave that to you two.” 

She’s right. There’s little they can do. Steve and I’ll help the best way we can.

ooooooooooooooo 

“Looks like that arm works just fine.”

Steve is right. “Even better than fine. It feels good – really good.” So far it functions perfectly. I’m relieved about that as I don’t plan on returning to Stark’s lab any time soon. We’re making good progress. We move the debris the workers can’t reach with their machinery.

“Thank you for helping out, but you do not need to do so. You are my guests.”

I caught T’challa’s scent and footsteps long before he showed up. Which is good. I’m back in the game. “We know that, but we love to help it. It also gives me a chance to test my arm.”

“I’m happy to see that Stark managed to restore your arm. You aren’t experiencing any problems with your balance?”

“No, it feels familiar. I’m used to it. I feel whole since a long time.” Now that the arm is back in place, it feels like my mind is shifting into place too. I’m grateful for that as I really need a break. 

“Maybe…”

The fact T’challa doesn’t finish and gives me an odd stare makes me curious. “What is it?” That guy definitely knows how to push my buttons. 

“Maybe you would like to explore the valley a bit? I can supply you with a map which features several cabins. We use them to patrol the valley in case there are poachers or other suspicious visitors. You might enjoy some time away from everything.”

There’s something T’challa isn’t saying, but I can read between the lines. It’s a chance for me to find out how much I’ve recovered. Can I rely on myself? Can I rely on my arm? Steve moves toward me and eagerly nods his head, telling me he likes T’challa’s idea. I like it myself. “Are you sure we won’t cause any trouble for you? We don’t want to trespass.”

“No trespassing,” T’challa says reassuringly. “This is your home now and you are free to explore it. Just watch out for the animals out there. Wakanda is home to lions, tigers, panthers, and other big cats. They do not usually attack humans, but it is possible. You should also avoid any elephants you might encounter.”

I suddenly realize the opportunity we’re given. T’challa offers us a taste of complete freedom. I look to Steve again as I don’t want to decide this over his head. “What do you think?”

“I like the idea! We can backpack and enjoy some time off.”

Again I hear the things left unsaid. Such a trip would take me away from the medical ward, Stark’s lab, the machine, and the rest of the group. Although they’re growing on me, I’d love to have Steve just to myself. I also need to test myself. What can I cope with and what will trigger a panic attack? “I want to do this too.”

“I will have everything delivered to your rooms during the day. Now, I suggest you head home and rest. You might feel recovered, but you need to pace yourself. Doctor’s orders. Akachi told me himself.”

I should have known Akachi would update T’challa. Steve rests a hand on my shoulder and smiles at me.

“They’re right. We did a lot today and you should get some rest. There’s no sense in overdoing things and having to pay for it later. I want you to take things slowly.”

I know he’s right, but I don’t like it. Looking about, I see how much more work needs to be done. 

“Do not concern yourself with this clean up organization. You are my guests.”

I understand where T’challa is coming from, but I want to repay him for everything he’s done for me. “I want to help.”

“You are helping by resting in your rooms. I would be a bad host indeed if I did not look after your needs.”

“This is important to you.” I noticed that before. 

“Being a good host?” T’challa chuckles. “My father always felt hospitality was very important. Wakanda honors this tradition. Furthermore, I wronged you when I went after you. I attacked you instead of finding out what really happened. I could have injured you, or even worse, killed you. I do feel the need to make up for that.”

I shake my head at him. “You didn’t know any better. You thought I killed your father and you had no reason to doubt that.”

“Still, I should have made sure I was chasing the murderer and not someone being framed into a killer. Zemo manipulated me and I eagerly went along.” 

I continue to shake my head. “You’re so very wrong.”

“No, I am not and that is the end of it. Please behave as a guest should, return home and rest. Let me take care of you.”

T’challa actually rendered me speechless. I can only stare at him. I never thought he felt that guilty about what happened. “I’ll rest,” I promise, giving in. “And I would love to trek through the valley and to get to know the land.”

“It shall be done.” T’challa nods and walks away.

I feel bad for what happened just now and look at Steve, who also seems ill at ease. “He has nothing to feel bad about! He was manipulated and believed what Zemo wanted him to believe. I don’t want him to feel guilty.” My breath catches when Steve moves closer still and looks me in the eye. He’s going to say something I won’t like.

“Doesn’t the same apply to you? Hydra manipulated you and you believed what they told you. I don’t want you to feel guilty either. You never had a choice. Maybe it’s time the lot of us stopped guilt tripping.” 

I’m not sure what to say. Steve got me in a corner. “But it’s different for me…” I protest eventually. I want to continue, but Steve cuts me short.

“Yes, it IS different for you. Hydra had you for over seventy years, brainwashed you, put you on ice whenever it suited them, and repeatedly wiped your memory. You never stood a chance and you carry no guilt whatsoever. T’challa on the other hand gave into his anger and hatred. He could have chosen differently. You, on the other hand, never had a choice.”

Several days ago, I would have told Steve that he was wrong, but these days, I can’t. They keep telling me the same thing over and over again and I can’t deny there’s some truth to it. If only I didn’t remember each kill, then things might be different. “Let’s go home. I’ve got the feeling T’challa might be watching us to see if we really head back.” 

“You’re right. Let’s go.”

I follow Steve up the slope and watch my surroundings. Several workers have their eyes on us, but they don’t appear hostile. I bet they’re T’challa’s spies. 

oooooooooo

Maybe T’challa was right to send me home. The moment I sit down on the couch, I realize just how tired I am. I might have overestimated myself. 

“You look sleepy all of a sudden,” Steve remarks as he sits down next to me. 

He hands me a cup of green tea, which he knows I like. I don’t sip yet as it’s still steaming hot. It needs to cool first. I blow onto the surface in order to help it cool down. “T’challa was right,” I admit. “I might have overdone it.” Steve lifts an arm and I cuddle up to him. He folds his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. “I’m so happy to have my arm back. I didn’t know how much I missed it until Stark repaired it.” The words suddenly escape me. I didn’t plan on telling him that. 

“You do seem relaxed.” Steve presses a kiss on my brow and gives me a cheeky look. “Just how relaxed are you?”

I catch on a little late, as I don’t expect any innuendo. What the hell is he up to? I quickly place my tea on the side table, just in case Steve makes an unexpected move. He can be rather impulsive at times. “What do you mean?” I’m not prepared for Steve to exchange the couch for my lap. He straddles me and I have to look away because the expression in his eyes is too intense. 

“Don’t,” Steve whispers and rests his hands on either side of my head. “I want to look at you. I love looking at you.”

I can’t help it. I feel entranced and gingerly answer his gaze. The amount of love Steve has for me is overwhelming. “What did I do to deserve you?”

“Nothing – you get me for free. I’m yours until the day I die. Don’t you realize that? There’s nothing you can say or do to make me change my mind. I love you. I always have.”

I want to tell him that I love him too, but his lips descend onto mine and silence me. Hesitantly, unsure of how to act, I wrap my arms around him, like he did in the past. I pull him against me and savor the pleased groan leaving his lips. He’s definitely enjoying himself; he has grown hard and rubbing against me. I can’t help but react and grow hard myself. “Steve…” I have no idea what to do next. Rationally I know what to do, but emotionally it’s a different story. I have a hard time taking the initiative. Hydra drilled submission into me.

“I get it,” Steve whispers and pants softly. “Just follow my lead…” 

His right hand slips beneath my shirt and the sensation of him running his fingertips along my skin makes me tremble. I want this. I want him, but can I actually follow through?

“This has to go.” 

Steve resolutely removes my shirt and sighs appreciatively. I wonder what’s there to like. Erskine’s serum perfected Steve’s body. Compared to him I’m lacking. 

“All this… and it’s mine.”

Steve’s possessive tone stuns me. I never expected… Fuck, now he’s moving lower. He slips below the waistband and wraps his fingers around my cock. I rest the back of my head against the couch and surrender. Steve’s lips leave a wet trail down my chest and abdomen and then he shifts, so he can push down my sweat pants. Steve exposing me like that causes me to blush. 

“All mine at last…”

Steve presses his lower body against mine and makes me yelp. If he keeps this up, I’m going to come! It’s like experiencing another form of sensory overload. Steve sucks the skin right below my ear and his hand speeds up, stroking me faster and pushing me toward the edge. Fingernails teasingly scratch down my chest and it becomes too much. I can’t hold back and come all over his hand. I fight for breath; he really drove me over the edge. All I’m capable of is staring at him and trying to collect myself. I feel like I fell apart and now my body is trying to put itself right again. “Steve…” I reach for him and pull him against me. I wish I felt confident enough to return the favor, but I’m hesitant to touch him in turn. I feel rather lost.

“I love the way you look when you come…” 

The things he says to me... “I love you, Steve.” 

“I love you too, Buck.” 

Steve takes hold of my right hand and guides it beneath his shirt. Catching on, I remove it and lick my lips at seeing that perfect chest. My hand moves out of its own accord and my fingertips stray lower, pretty much mirroring the things he did to me a moment ago. “I can’t believe I’m this shy.” I slept with women, but that never felt right. With Steve, everything feels so perfectly right, but deep down I’m still terrified to disappoint him. I know I’m damaged goods at the very best. 

Steve tilts his head and looks at me for a long moment. My heart skips several beats when he suddenly gets to his feet. What did I do? What did I do wrong?

Steve steps out of his slacks, removes his boxers, and slides back onto my lap. Maybe I didn’t screw up after all. I find it hard to look below the waistline. What the hell is wrong with me? When did I turn into a prude? Maybe it’s because of the things you went through. Maybe you just need time. I assumed that annoying voice was gone since I didn’t hear it again, but now it’s back. “I know what to do, but… I’m…” How do I explain this to Steve when I don’t understand my hesitance myself?

“Let me…” 

I’m not sure what Steve means, but I catch on when he takes my hand and guides it to his cock. He wraps my hand around him and then covers my hand with his. We start off slowly, but he quickly speeds up the pace. He’s very vocal, I never expected that, and it turns me on. I claim his lips and he greedily returns the kiss, deepening it. He tenses against me, groans loudly, and climaxes. He sags against me and I hold him, tenderly kissing his neck and shoulder. Steve trembles and lowers his head onto my shoulder. I hold him and wait for him to come down from his high. He doesn’t release my hand though and twines our fingers instead. Then he does that thing again; he rests his brow against mine and looks me in the eye. I still find it somewhat unnerving, but after what happened just now I manage to answer his gaze. 

“That was great!” 

Steve’s enthusiasm reassures me that I didn’t do anything wrong and I relax. Looking him in the eye is getting easier. Maybe I didn’t disappoint him. 

“Just imagine what it will be like in the jungle! It will be hot and sweaty! We can ditch our clothes and go for a nice swim. Those waterfalls make the perfect backdrop!”

I smile at him. I reckon that means he wants more of what we just did. I should warn him. “The jungle will tire us and it isn’t the romantic getaway you think it is!” 

“We’ll see who is right.” 

He actually winks at me. For some reason I just can’t stop grinning. “You made a mess again.”

“I’ve got the feeling you’ll have to get used to it. I intend to make a lot of messes. I have to catch up on lost time and so do you. We have seventy years to catch up on!”

Why can’t I stop blushing? I can’t help but wonder what I got myself into this time. Maybe I shouldn’t have agreed to head into the valley, but I do want to roam free. I just need to find a way to deal with Steve’s hormones. 

ooooooooooooooo

“So what happened?” 

Tony arches an eyebrow at finding Bucky sound asleep on the couch in the living room. I’m not going to embarrass Bucky by telling Tony what happened earlier. “He might have overdone it. He overestimated himself. He wanted to test his arm in every possible way and ended up exhausting himself.” That explanation has to suffice. 

“Are you sure that’s all there is to it? Those hickeys look recent. I’m sure he didn’t have that many earlier on.”

“That’s private.” Trust Tony not to know when to stop. I gesture him to follow me into the kitchen. “I don’t want him to wake up. He needs to sleep.” I even moved the recording to the living room, so Bucky can hear it. “Is that still necessary?” 

Tony nods. “Take it with you on your hike. It’s small and light. It won’t slow you down.” Tony sits down at the kitchen table. “What do I have to do to be offered a drink around here?” 

“What do you want? And why are you here?” He showed up out of the blue.

“Coffee would be nice.” 

I head for the coffee maker, fill it up, and switch it on. I get a cold one from the fridge and lean against the counter. “So why are you here?” 

“I heard you’re going backpacking.”

I nod. “And that’s a problem?” Tony never does anything without a reason and he looks worried. 

“You know he’s far from fully recovered, don’t you? He’ll have more breakdowns and panic attacks before he’ll get better. It’s not realistic to think that he can work through seventy years of imprisonment in two weeks.”

“I know that but I can handle anything that will come up; he trusts me.” 

“I get that, but you still might need some support. Take this with you. It’s more reliable than a cell phone.” Tony places something that looks an awful lot like my current phone on the kitchen table. “I know it doesn’t look like much, but it will enable you to get through to me at any time. Reception or not. It’s one of my gimmicks and I think that you really need to take it with you.”

“I will.” I’m not fighting Tony over something this trivial and I actually like the idea of being able to call in back up if necessary. “Do you have more advice for me?”

“Not really. Just keep a close eye on your boyfriend, and should that arm act up, notify me at once. Thanks!” Tony reaches for his coffee and adds a horrendous amount of sugar to it. 

“I know he’s not over the hill yet, but he’s getting there. He continues to make progress. When we first got to him, I didn’t think we would ever reclaim him.”

“I know what you mean, Cap. But then again, love does wonders.”

I reckon Tony is right. Love will pull us through.

Ooooooooooooooooooo

I check on the gear T’challa had delivered to our quarters. Everything we could possibly need has been stuffed into two backpacks. I take out the map and study it. We don’t have to hike that far to get away from civilization. I can barely wait to have Bucky all to myself. I use a pen to put together a possible route we can take. I sit back, quite liking this whole idea. It’s an adventure and we both need to find out where this relationship will take us.

Ooooooooooooooo

“Bucky!”

I sit up with a start. I scan my surroundings, fully expecting to be back with Hydra. Cold sweat covers my body and I’m trembling. I want to jump to my feet and run, but then I register a warm body next to me. That can’t be a handler: they touch me as little as possible. To them I’m not human: just the asset they need to take care of. Who then…?

“Remember me? It’s Steve.”

Steve? Steve! I can’t take my eyes off of him. “Are you real?” Nightmares, memories, flashbacks… I can’t trust any of them. He feels real though; he feels warm and for some reason we’re skin-on-skin. Why am I only wearing briefs? Where’s the rest of my outfit?

“Focus on me if you can and listen, yes?”

I nod; how can I possibly not look at him? Steve’s my best friend. We’ve been close since Kindergarten. We have been on some crazy adventures, and although I drive him crazy at times, he always tolerates me. I love him… I really do.

“Great. You had a bad dream. We’re staying in Wakanda and… you’re my lover.”

“Lover?” I blink in confusion. “That can’t…” I shake my head, but Steve merely kisses me on the lips. Fuck, he feels real for sure.

“We decided to date.” 

Steve smiles and brushes some stray hair away from my face. “We did?” I search my mind; I don’t expect to find any proof of that, but then I remember making out – twice. 

“Judging by the fact that you’re blushing, I say you remember something.”

I nod again. I feel shy – too shy to speak.

“Everything’s fine, yes? You’re back in the present, aren’t you? You tend to flashback to what they did to you back then.”

He’s careful not to call them by name and I’m grateful. Hydra will always haunt me, but Steve’s reaction to my panic helps me to calm down. He hands me some water and I eagerly empty the glass. I feel dehydrated and the water’s refreshing. Past experiences made me realize just how precious something simple as water is. “Can I have some more?” In the past, I would never dare ask for more, but this is Steve and he’s my friend – my lover even. Though I still wonder how that ever happened.

“Sure.”

Steve fills it up again and hands me the glass. This time I go slow. I study him and try to gauge his mood. “This must be tiring for you; having to ground me again and again.”

“No, never. You have no idea how grateful I am that you remember me. The fact that you trust me after everything you have been through fills me with awe. I’ll never tire of you and I don’t mind doing this for you. I’ll pull you back each time. I want you to remember that when you go to sleep again.”

“Thanks, I…” How can I ever show him just how grateful I am? My hand trembles and Steve rescues the glass before I can drop it. He puts it back on the nightstand and embraces me. I surrender and rest my body against his. “I fucking hate this!” Tears gather in my eyes, but I fight them back. I don’t want to cry again. 

“You’re getting better. It just takes time. Thankfully we have all the time we need.”

“What if the Avengers need you? Or Fury calls you in? I’m in no condition to fight.” I’ll be left behind – on my own again and I… “I need you,” I admit, hating myself for saying it. I need to toughen up instead! I can’t tie Steve down like this!

“Bucky, listen to me. I’m not going to accept any missions as long as you need me. I’ll tell them no and I don’t care what they’ll say to that. You come first. Only your wellbeing matters to me.”

“But –“ I want to object. He should join them if they need him!

“No,” Steve says resolutely, cutting me off. “You had better accept that it is the way it is. You come first. The Avengers, Fury, or whoever calls me in, can go to hell.”

He does sound decisive. “I’m sorry about…” He cuts me short once again. 

“No, you have nothing to be sorry for. I love you and you love me back. This is OUR time and no one’s going to take that away from us. We deserve some happiness and I’ll make sure we get it!”

Steve guides my head back against his chest and then… I suck in my breath and want to pull away. “No, don’t.” I can’t believe he’s reaching for my left arm, caressing and holding my fingers. “Don’t,” I beg. 

“Why?” 

“I…” I fight for breath now that he cradles my hand in his. “It’s Hydra’s. That arm… You shouldn’t do that. You don’t have to do that. I killed… those fingers pulled the trigger and… Fuck, this can’t be happening again!” I panic – big time! 

“There’s nothing to worry about. You’re fine. We’re safe and you’re going to calm down for me. We’re in our bedroom, in a very comfortable bed, and I’m not letting go. You can count on me to stay with you. If you let me, for the rest of your life. I love you, James Buchannan Barnes.”

I don’t know how Steve does it, but he manages to reassure me and the panic subsides. 

“Better?”

Steve tilts his head and smiles at me. It’s hard to believe he actually loves me. I want to apologize again, but he shifts me in his arms so I’m resting against him. I keep quiet, knowing he doesn’t want an apology. “I love you, Steve. Thanks for being so patient with me.” In a way, it’s an apology, but I doubt he’ll call me on it. 

“I love you too, Buck.“

He continues to hold me and then begins to rock me. The motion soothes me and I relax against him. Steve might say that he’ll stay with me until the end, but I’m not sure. He’ll hit a point where he’ll get fed up with my behavior. 

ooooooooooooooooo 

Steve is preparing for our departure, but I’m having second thoughts. Last night proved just how unstable I am. “Maybe we should postpone our trip.” I hate doing this to him as I know he’s looking forward to our adventure. Steve doesn’t pause packing though and adds clothes to the backpacks.

“And why is that?” 

I nibble on my bottom lip and force myself to stop before I draw blood. “What if I freak out on you and we’re in the middle of nowhere? Staying here is the safer option.”

“Maybe it’s safer – for you, but I want us to do this. I have faith in you. We managed last night and we’ll deal with it the next time it happens. If you find it hard to believe in yourself, believe in me instead.”

How can I deny him? How can I possibly argue with him? “I have complete faith in you. You’re the only one who can keep me sane.”

Steve continues to check the backpacks and doesn’t really pay me any attention. He whistles a tune and seems relaxed. I guess, this means that I have to do this after all.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

I decided against telling our friends that we’re leaving. Bucky seems nervous and a big send off would only make things worse. I look over my shoulder to see if he’s still following. He looks miserable, but I doubt it will last. The valley fascinates him and that fascination will lift his spirits. “How about some climbing?” I point up. “I bet we’ll have an amazing view from up there.” Bucky nods demurely. I remind myself to give him time. He’ll recover. Last night shook him up pretty bad. 

I start to climb and another look tells me that Bucky’s catching up. I never expected him to panic when I touched his left hand. Maybe I underestimated his feelings toward his metal arm. Just how many times did they tell him that he was Hydra’s fist; a weapon to bring order to mankind? “Look out.” I was lost in thought and because of that, careless. Some of the rocks came loose and Bucky avoids being hit by them. “Sorry.”

“Just keep on climbing.”

He sounds calmer… Maybe the physical exercise is helping. I continue my way to the top and pull myself over the edge. I offer Bucky a hand and pull him up. A quick look tells me he’s fine. He’s not even out of breath or sweating. Finally taking in the view, I sigh appreciatively. “That’s worth the climb, don’t you think?” Not getting a response, I cock my head to look at Bucky and am not disappointed. He looks in awe at the valley below us. I knew he would love it out here. I wrap my arm around his waist and pull him close. Bucky leans against me and smiles. “You like what you see!”

“I do… It’s amazing… So this is how it feels to be free like an eagle.”

“Good thing you said eagle instead of falcon.” I wink at him and he quickly catches on.

“I do feel sorry for the guy being stuck in a wheelchair. That sucks.”

“I didn’t know you cared.” I press a kiss onto his cheek and grow quiet as we savor this perfect moment in time.

00000000000000

After walking for another two hours we reach the cabin I mapped out. It’s close to the waterfalls; that’s why I choose it. I count on us going skinny dipping tonight. “Are you okay with staying here for the night?” Bucky looks about and quickly realizes just how close we are to the waterfalls. I don’t expect anything short of a nod, and yes, there it is. Bucky approves as I knew he would. I lead the way and open the door. The cabin is small but clean, and comes with all necessities. There’s a small kitchen, a couch, and a bed in the corner. “This will do,” I say and check Bucky’s reaction. He seems fine with it too. I put my backpack near the bed and head for the kitchenette. “It even comes with flowing water and there’s a coffee maker. Want some?” He probably prefers tea, but I can’t find any.

“Sure, yeah…”

Bucky sounds mesmerized and I seek out his gaze. I know he is be in love with those waterfalls and now he can’t take his eyes off them. “Want to go for a swim later?”

“Yes…” he whispers, absent-mindedly. 

I’m fighting a lost cause here! I chuckle and enjoy seeing Bucky so carefree. I have the feeling, he’ll love our stay here and will quickly forget about his objections.

ooooooooooooooo

Steve made lunch and practically forced me to eat it. I understand his protective feelings, but he makes a really obsessive mother hen. I ate some to get him off my back. I was hungry, I couldn’t deny that as my stomach kept growling, but even more, I wanted out and to visit the waterfalls. We are on our way there now and Steve’s grin makes me fear the worst. He’s up to something and I wish I knew what it was. Upon reaching the waterfalls, I look up to study them and find them even more impressive from up close. Steve has other ideas though and begins to strip. I turn bashful and look away. 

“Aren’t you joining me? I thought you’d be in the water long before me!”

I would be, if I didn’t involve taking my clothes off. I’m not proud of my body these days. It was different when I was young. I even loved showing off my looks, but now? This isn’t exactly my body anymore. Hydra made so many alternations to it that it feels alien at times.

“Care to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”

Steve moves in front of me, and fuck it, he is naked. He could have left his boxers on! I look away and a sigh escapes me. It’s beautiful out here.

“Bucky, I noticed this before. Each time we get naked or I touch you, you freeze. Why?”

I find it hard to look at him. I love this man with my entire being and yet, I feel ashamed and guilty standing in front of him. I wish I was the man Steve deserves. “This body… Hydra created it. I…have a hard time accepting it’s mine.” I want to tell Steve that I hate my body, but stop myself just in time. That admission would have gotten me in trouble.

Steve draws in a deep breath as if to steady himself. “I love you, Bucky. It doesn’t matter to me what your body looks like. And to be honest, it looks and feels quite familiar. The only real difference is that arm, and we already established that you wanted it back. You feel real beneath my hands, your skin is warm against mine. Try to accept what we have. Things could have turned out so much worse.”

Steve’s right hand slips beneath my shirt and rests against my chest. His left is rubbing the small of my back. Steve so readily accepting me still throws me for a loop. “I’ll trust you in this,” I tell him. Steve is a great judge of character and if he thinks I’m fine the way I am, I’ll trust him on that. That doesn’t change the fact that I do feel shy. Steve however knows how to deal with that. 

“Arms up,” he says and proceeds to remove my shirt. 

Then he gives me a look that says I can either remove my sweatpants myself or that he will do it for me. Reluctantly I step out of my sweatpants and that look is back since I’m still wearing boxers. I consider fighting him over it, but it doesn’t seem worth the hassle, so I lose them as well. Unsurprisingly Steve’s grin makes a huge comeback. The fact that he’s licking his lips makes me only more tense. I don’t trust that expression. 

“Come on!”

Steve takes hold of my metal hand and pulls me along. Feeling his fingers wrapped around mine is a weird sensation. I have complete sensation in my vibranium arm; it’s also why I went down when Stark blew it off. I went into shock due to the pain and loss. I follow Steve into the water, knowing better than to protest. Steve will do whatever it takes to make me see things his way. The water is warm – not too warm, but pleasantly warm and I relax. Steve releases my hand and begins to swim. Not wanting to be left behind, I trail after him. The noise the crashing waterfall makes is louder than I thought, but I don’t mind. Steve settles down at the edge and I join him there. On my back, I manage to keep floating. I look at the heavens and the water falling from the top of the rock. I love it here. When I sat on the terrace I wondered what being here would be like. Now I know. I’m not paying attention and I bump into something with my head.

“Hello there,” Steve whispers and then chuckles. “Now that I found you, can I keep you?”

Emotions make it hard for me to answer. How can he so easily undo me? “I’m yours already. I always have been. Don’t you know that?”

“I do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing it.” 

Steve leans in closer and kisses me, but our position is awkward. I turn around and get to my feet. Steve doesn’t waste any time and immediately ties me up in a hug. He’s good at kissing, he really is, and I surrender to the sensation. In the back of my mind I know where we’re heading. Steve is holding back on my account; he would have instigated making love some time ago. I caress his face and wonder about that. What will it be like to make love with him? Do I want that? Am I ready for that? My body certainly is. It doesn’t take much for me to grow aroused these days. I also know Steve won’t take the first step; he’ll leave that up to me. So what do I do?

“Bucky?”

Steve knows something is up. “We need to talk.” That’s definitely not what he wants to hear, but he nods and we make our way out of the water. We settle down on the grass and feeling the rays of the sun on my skin still feels so very odd. Steve doesn’t even seem aware of the fact that he’s naked. 

“What do you want to talk about?” 

Steve looks apprehensive and claims my left hand again. It’s almost like he does that on purpose. I allow it and even twine our fingers oh so carefully as I don’t want to crush his hand. For some reason, Steve’s expression brightens and he smiles contently at me. “About… sex.” I can’t help growing flustered. I’m bad at discussing intimacy. That never changed. I sucked at it back then too. “You want to make love, don’t you?” Steve has the grace to blush. It’s good to know he feels a bit awkward too. 

“Yeah, I do,” Steve confirms in a remarkably shy voice. “Don’t you?”

This is going to be tough. “I do, but –“ 

“But what?” Steve gives me a concerned look. “You love me, I know that!”

I manage a smile. “I do. I love you, Steve, I do, but… It’s difficult for me.” Realizing he has no idea what I’m talking about, I try to explain it to him. “For over seventy years I felt like I was a thing, an object. No one willingly touched me. And then you come along and you touch me so easily. I’m still getting used to being among people, to being accepted as a part of a group and, yes, I want you too, but…” I avert my gaze and look at the waterfalls again. “I’m not sure I’m worth this. I don’t understand how you can still love me after all the things I did. Hell, I don’t even understand why you don’t feel disgusted touching my arm.” I pause and Steve gives me the time I need to gather my thoughts. “Rationally I know that Hydra made me do it, but I have to live with the consequences. Some thoughts, certain memories and nightmares will never go away.” Steve moves closer and folds an arm around me. He doesn’t let go of my hand though. 

“Then let me show you that you ARE worth all this. I can’t take away your memories, but I can chase off your nightmares. I can hold you in the morning when you wake up all confused and hurting. I want to make you laugh. I want you to have fun and to enjoy life again. I want you to know what making love feels like. For the record, I want to know that too. I’m the virgin here, remember?”

I nod, but… “You can have anyone you want, Steve. The thing I don’t get is why you want me.”

“Because I love you. There’s no big explanation to go with that. I just love you. I want you close. I need you in my life. This heart…” Steve guides my left hand to his chest and presses it against it, so I can feel his heart beating beneath my fingertips. “This heart beats for you. Just for you.”

The beat of his heart entrances me. I can’t comprehend how much he loves me or why; I just know he does. How can I not react to such a passionate declaration? I gather my courage and lean in closer. Steve reacts at once and kisses me. His eagerness for close contact still puzzles me, but I don’t question it. Steve uses his hold on me to pull me on top of him when he lies down in the grass. I follow his lead and straddle him. Normally our situation is reversed. I’m growing hard again and Steve’s arousal never faded to begin with. Realizing where he plans to go with this, I grow nervous again. “You want to do this here?” Out in the open where people could be watching us?

“I want you – now. Please, Buck…” 

He’s leaving everything up to me. He wants me to decide how we’re doing this and I feel lost. Sure, I had some one night stands over seventy years ago, but that doesn’t mean I feel confident being on top. But can I really expect Steve to take over? He doesn’t have any experience at all. This is up to me and the thought makes me nervous. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You can’t… Super serum, remember?” 

Being reminded of that is reassuring, but still. “You never did this before.”

“Have some faith in us, Buck.”

I’m still thinking about the best way to proceed when Steve takes action. He rolls me onto my back and now Steve is back to straddling me. I’m still trying to figure out what to do next when Steve raises himself and then slowly lowers himself onto my cock. The sensation is overwhelming, but I still try to slow him down. “Steve…” But the smug grin he gives me tells me that his is exactly what he wants. Who am I to stop him then? He leans forward to kiss me and I arch against him, involuntarily thrusting up. Steve groans and I wrap my left arm around him in order to steady him. “Slow down!” 

“Can’t,” Steve whispers, offering me the dirtiest grin I’ve ever seen. “You drive me mad.”

He deepens the kiss and I give in – like I always do. His hands roam all over my body and I react instinctively. I thrust up again. Apparently my body still remembers those primal dynamics. Steve grabs hold of my hand and wraps it around his cock. I finally catch on and stroke resolutely. I don’t want him to stay behind. I lose track of time, moving to this ancient rhythm. I know one thing though; there’s no way I can last long with Steve riding me like that and refusing to slow down. Steve climaxes first and throws back his head. The sounds he makes pushes me over the edge and I give in. 

Steve claims my lips again and this time the kiss isn’t urgent; it’s sweet and tender and tastes of promises. “Fuck, you practically glow!” Steve laughs at hearing that and lowers himself onto my body, fully covering me and holding me. “Steve…” 

“Yes?” 

He reminds me a big cat who’s about to purr. “What happened to taking things slowly?”

“Not that slow. You see, I realized something. Giving you time to think matters over is a bad thing. You do tend to overreact, love.”

Love… Hearing that causes my heart to thump louder in my chest. “No one ever called me that before.”

“I hope not. I’m the only one entitled to do so.” 

I can’t describe the expression in his eyes and I wonder what I look like to him. I can’t begin to describe the amount of trust I have in him and how much he must trust me in turn. Words seem utterly lacking at the moment, so instead I kiss his brow and pull his head back against my chest.

“I like this… I love you… Maybe we can do this again?”

Steve’s naughty tone makes me smile. “I’m sure we can work something out.” Steve chuckles and the sound vibrates against my chest. I love him so much and it will stay that way until the day I die.

oooooooo

This past week has been heaven on earth. I can’t remember ever being happier. Bucky still wakes up disoriented and confused in the morning, but I’m getting better at pulling him into the present. Usually some kisses do the trick. I love seeing him getting stronger and more confident. When we went for a swim earlier today, he needed no coaching to strip and he made the first pass at having sex. We’re getting better at that too. Practice makes perfect and I want to practice for the rest of my life. Thankfully Bucky feels the same way.

But our time in paradise has to end; we both knew that coming up here. I received a call from Tony telling me Fury’s flying in. Apparently something urgent has come up and so Bucky and I will head back in the morning. This is our last night here. I expected Bucky to feel down because of that, but he takes it in stride, probably because he’s determined to watch my back. He wants to be at my side for the rest of his life.

“You look troubled,” Bucky says as he sits down next to me. 

We decided to visit the waterfalls one last time. I must admit I fell in love with the place too. “Not troubled exactly. I wish we could stay here instead.” I look at him and relish seeing the tan he gained during these last few days. Gone is the deathly pale skin color. He looks healthy and fit. “I want to make you a promise and it’s one I can actually keep.” Bucky grows curious and leans in closer. “I promise that we’ll come back here. Whenever we have some down time, we’ll fly in and spend time here.” I know it’s doable as long as I put some effort into it. “I’m serious.”

“I like that.” Bucky looks out over the water and smiles. “This feels like home.”

“Yeah, it does, and I wish we could stay. I really do.”

“But according to your friend, Fury, the world is coming to an end.”

“Again.” I can’t help being a tad sarcastic. “We faced that threat before.”

Bucky shakes his head and smiles. “You know I won’t let you march off alone. I’ll be there.”

“Do you feel up to that? I don’t want to sound patronizing…” 

“I AM getting better. I might not be one hundred percent yet, but I’m in control. And I want to be there. You need me to be there so I can save your ass.”

I like his sense of humor. It finally made its grand comeback. “My blessed protector.” I curl an arm around him and lean against him. We enjoy the view and it feels peaceful. “I really like it here.” I’m about to kiss him again, when there’s some commotion to our right. Suddenly two black shapes jump from the bushes and run toward us. I sigh in relief, realizing there just animals. For a moment, I worried Hydra had sent their assassins after us. “What’s that?”

“Looks like cubs,” Bucky remarks, observing the big cats too. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it were black panthers. T’challa did say they live here.”

The two cubs keep moving toward us. They pause momentarily upon noticing us and then sneak closer, as if hunting. They present no danger, as we can easily defend ourselves, so we just watch. “I never saw a big cat from that close before.”

“Maybe we should leave. They’re heading straight for us.”

“Let’s stay put. We don’t want to trigger their hunting instinct.” Like Bucky, I’m alert, but mostly I’m curious. The cubs are still rather small. They can’t be that old yet. Bucky sucks in his breath when one of them rolls right into his lap and makes himself comfortable there. The big paws gently press against his abdomen and the cat yawns. “I think it wants you as its pillow.” Bucky is mesmerized though and only has eyes for his new pet. The other cub circles us and then lies down in the grass in front of us.

“They’re not scared at all,” Bucky whispers and keeps still. The cub occupying his lap licks his metal arm and then gives him a puzzled look before curling up and closing his eyes. “This is weird.”

“Let’s hope the parents will think we’re cute and harmless too.” It’s only a matter of time before they show up. “We’ll just have to chase them off.”

“Not yet…” Bucky slowly raises his left arm and pets the cub, who opens his eyes, and allows it. Bucky suddenly looks to our left and I realize what caught his attention. It’s the parents and they look much more menacing. “What do we do?”

“Nothing… Let them make the first move.” One panther calls to the cubs, who protests in turn, releasing a series of displeased mews. “Listen to mum… or dad,” I tell them. “It’s safest for everyone involved.” The cub lying in the grass reluctantly gets to his feet, stretches and returns to his parents. The other cub isn’t in a hurry though. He get to his feet, looks at Bucky and roars, well, attempts to roar. It doesn’t sound threatening at all. The cub then turns around and joins his family. Mum and dad give us one more look and then the four of them disappear between the trees. 

“That was weird.” 

I still hear the awe in Bucky’s voice. That encounter impressed him, as it did me. “I wonder what T’challa would say about that.” 

“Maybe we should tell him when we get back.”

Yes, maybe we should.

000000000

Being back feels strange. I shouldn’t have gotten used to that sense of utter freedom when we stayed at the cabin, but I can’t help it. Steve feels the same way, he told me. Now we have to play the cards we’re dealt. I was afraid that everyone assembled to hassle us upon our return, but I’m relieved to find only T’challa welcoming us home. He looks pleased and I wonder just how closely he had us watched. 

“Welcome back. Did you enjoy your stay at the cabin?” His gaze travels from Steve to me. “You look well. You even gained a tan!”

“I loved it out there,” I tell him honestly. “It was paradise on earth.”

“You are always welcome here. I will make sure that cabin is maintained and stocked in case you return.”

“Thank you…” Steve’s already moving toward the entrance of the building, but I hesitate.

“Is there something else you wish to share?” T’challa inquires curiously.

Steve halts and has this knowing expression in his eyes. He returns to my side and smiles. “We had a special encounter,” he says. “Tell him.”

T’challa’s curiosity grows, but he still waits patiently for me to spill it. “On our last evening at the cabin we had two cubs on our hands. One of them decided my lap made a good bed. They stayed until their parents showed up. We expected a fight, but the four of them then left.”

A particular expression appears in T’challa’s eyes. “Are we speaking of black panthers?”

“Yes, I…” Suddenly I feel silly for needing to tell him. “Just forget about it.”

“No,” T’challa states. “This is remarkable. Black panthers are considered sacred in Wakanda and to encounter one is a blessing. But cubs actively seeking someone out is extraordinary. You have been blessed in a very special way.”

I had the feeling he was going to say something like that. “They were cute; the cubs, that is.” T’challa laughs warmly and pats my shoulder. 

“This land has truly accepted you as one of its own. Consider this your home for the rest of your life. You actually received a panther’s blessing so I consider you my brothers.”

“That’s quite an honor.” I look to Steve to help me out. 

“We will always return here,” Steve says, “But now we should find out what Fury wants.”

And it’s back to business. I don’t mind though, knowing I have a home to return to when this mission is over.

‘So, what’s up?” Steve asks T’challa. “Tony didn’t tell me much.”

“You have a visitor. He arrived some minutes ago. His name is Nick Fury and he said you are friends. That is the only reason I allowed him to land. He is asking for you specifically, Captain, although Miss Romanoff was also very glad to see him.”

“You should definitely talk to him.” I’m not fond of the idea, but I know Steve considers Fury a friend, and any friend of Steve’s is a friend of mine in turn. The only thing that worries me is Fury’s reaction upon realizing I’m here. It’s best to keep my distance.

“Yeah, I should. Come along then and let’s do this.”

I shake my head. “YOU talk to him. I shot him, remember that? I doubt he’ll be happy to see me and I value my life. You don’t become head of Shield by allowing your enemies to live.”

“You’re not his enemy. Nick’s smart. Give him the benefit of the doubt, Buck.”

I’m not sure I should. “I’ll watch from a distance. We’ll see what happens.” And that’s my final word in the matter.

ooooooooooooo

I take up position on a terrace that offers me a view of the room where they’re gathering. I can hear and see everything perfectly. I’ll stay here and make up my mind while they talk. I don’t expect T’challa to join me though and wonder why he’s still here. He remains quiet though and that convinces me he’s waiting for the perfect moment to make his move. I ignore him for now and focus on the conversation happening below us.

Steve is obviously happy to see his old friend, whom he hugs and then shakes his hand. “Nick, it’s good to see you, although I didn’t expect you to drop by any time soon!”

“You know what’s like…There’s always some bad guy trying to destroy the world. I need your help, that’s why I’m here.”

“I figured that out already.” Steve however seems reluctant. “What’s happening then?”

“We have a god wannabe on our hands by the name of Apocalypse. Apparently he’s recruiting four horsemen. Sound familiar?” Fury continues after Steve nodded. “Actually we got a call from Charles Xavier, asking for backup. Looks like this is an end of the world scenario. I told him I’d try to assemble the Avengers.”

That does sound grave. I never heard of Apocalypse before, but just by looking at Fury’s body language, I can tell he’s worried. He isn’t faking this. He thinks this threat is for real.

“I already talked to Vision, Scott, Peter, Clint, Tony, and Romanoff. They’re onboard if you join in. Apparently it’s all or nothing.” 

Fury isn’t sure Steve will agree to this and I wonder why. Steve will never turn down a cry for help.

“That depends,” Steve says and looks Nick in the eye. “These days I’m a package deal. There are two of us.”

I blink at hearing that. What the hell is he up to?

“You have a very loyal mate in Captain Rogers,” T’challa suddenly comments.

“I know that.” I search his gaze, but T’challa merely tilts his head and remains quiet.

“Romanoff told me about you and Barnes. Stark even threatened to kick my ass if I caused trouble,” Fury says as he moves toward Steve. I can’t help but tense up now that he is getting closer to Steve.

“The question is, Nick, can you accept Bucky as a part of the team? He would never have shot you if he’d been himself. Hydra controlled him all that time.”

Steve’s sticking up for me as I knew he would. “But I did shoot him,” I whisper.

“Hydra controlled him. I know that. I don’t blame Barnes,” Fury replies.

That sounds rather encouraging and I catch Steve’s gaze as he looks up. He wants me to come down and join them. I still think that’s a bad idea.

“You’re not going to shoot him, or get back at him in any other way?” Steve asks, wanting to make sure, probably more for my benefit than his.

“I’ll be nice. Where is he? He’s watching this, right? From what Romanoff told me you never let him out of your sight. I didn’t know you were that close back then.”

“We weren’t, but we’re now. Do you have any problems with that?”

“Steve, you should know me better than that. Just tell him not to shoot me again. He came way too close to killing me.”

“Well, even back then he was a great sniper…” Steve says with something akin to pride in his voice.

Steve beckons me to join them. I’m still hesitant though, especially when Fury locates my whereabouts. He looks slightly startled to actually see me.

“I shall accompany you. As your host it is my duty to ensure your safety, Sergeant Barnes.”

I shift my gaze away from Fury and to T’challa. “Are you always going to call me that? My name is Bucky.” T’challa inclines his head.

“As you wish, Bucky, though addressing you in that way feels odd.”

T’challa heads towards the staircase, giving me a chance to make up my mind. What do I have to lose? The worst thing that can happen is Fury throwing a punch at me. I can deal with that. So I follow T’challa, descend the staircase, and step into the room. Fury’s gaze immediately settles on me and I can tell he’s evaluating me. I keep still as I don’t want to provoke him. This is up to him.

“So this is the legendary Sergeant Barnes. We never realized the truth about you back then. I never knew what Zola did to you. It happened before my time… But I do owe you an apology.”

“What?” I can’t believe he said that. “Why would you own me one? I should be apologizing for shooting you.” 

Fury raises a hand and waves away my comment. “You kind of did me a favor, though it hurt like hell. Well, not many people can say they’re important enough for Hydra to dispatch the Winter Soldier. I don’t blame you… Once I knew Hydra kept you prisoner, I should have tried harder to get you out. I owe you an apology for that. I didn’t put enough effort into that.”

I exchange a look with Steve. Why is everyone so fucking forgiving?

“So are you onboard? I’m always looking for good men. I’d love to have you on the team, plus, Cap will never say yes without you being there too. So what do you say, Barnes? Are we going to war?”

“I’ve been fighting wars my entire life.” I turn toward Steve and search his eyes. He wants to do this. He wants to help. Of course he does. “I reckon one more time won’t make a difference.” Steve sighs, and I can tell it’s not just due to any relief he feels because I agreed; he’s also worried.

“We need you to lead the team, Cap, we really do.” Stark enters first and then the rest follows; Romanoff, Clint, Sam, and even T’challa look like they want to do this. 

“We’ll do it together – like we always do,” Steve insists.

I agree; it was like that with the Howling Commando’s – we were close friends too. “Let’s do this then.” I’ll be at Steve’s side every step of the way. I’ll watch his back and keep him safe. If necessary I’ll lay down my life for him. And I know he’ll do the same thing for me. Time and time again.

The end


End file.
